Paul Gallegos has been featured here twice before. The first time he talked about his HIV prevention work, standing at busy intersections in Palm Springs, California with a home-made sign urging people to get tested. You can read that interview here.

In his second interview with PositiveLite, Paul talked frankly and honestly about life in prison and what it feels like to be an HIV-positive inmate.

Today he brings his wife Kelley in to the pictrtue. Kelley is HIV-negative and they have had two healthy HIV-negative children together, which brings their family to six.

Our subject today is an important one. It’s how relationships where partners of differing HIV-status work. I had told Paul and Kelley that they didn’t have to answer any of my questions if they didn’t feel comfortable about doing so. They answered all of them. Somehow I knew they would.

Paul can be found on twitter at @Pauly1999. Kelley is @sallynjacknight. Stop by and say hello. I think they’d like that.

Anyway, here’s the interview.

Bob Leahy: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us again, Paul. This time we’re talking also with your wife Kelley. Hello to the both of you. Today you agreed to talk about sero-discordant couples, but I’m not sure that everyone likes that terminology. I’ve heard the term “magnetic couples” used sometimes . What’s the term you would like to use?

Kelly Gallegos: I prefer “magnetic”.

BL: First of all I need to put this in some perspective. Tell me where and when you met.

Kelley Gallegos: Paul had just gotten out of jail for something he did. I was talking with some friends, when his name came up, I was young and I wanted to meet him.

BL: Was it love at first sight?

KG:  Yes, I knew he was the one for me.

PG: When I met Kelley she was young and I didn’t think we’d end up together.

BL: At that time, Paul you didn’t know you were HIV-positive, right?

PG: No, not a clue.

BL: Remind us all how you found out. It was in connection with a job you applied for, wasn’t it?

PG: I had this job already, when they wanted good workers for a big construction job, but I had to take a physical. They took blood work and then I got the call.

BL: How did you take the news, Paul?

PG: I cried, I thought I was gonna die.

BL: How long was it before you shared that news with Kelley? And was that a difficult conversation or what?

PG: Kelley was there when I got the news, she cried horribly and said she was too young to die.

BL: And Kelley, what did you think when you heard?

KG: I thought our lives together were over.

BL: Were you worried for your own safety, Kelley? Did you get tested yourself?

KG: Yes, I was very worried, and Paul took me to get tested right away.

BL: I’m just wondering how much you two knew about HIV at the time? Did you try and learn up on it?

KG: I knew a little bit because my mom and her boyfriend had it and died from it, around the late 1980's.

PG: I knew nothing about it. I had to get some education on it. It drove me crazy.

BL: I’m guessing you weren’t using condoms at that time. Did you talk about using them after Paul got the news of his diagnosis?   And what did you decide and why?

KG: We really didn't use them, once we found out about Paul's status we tried once a while.

PG: We never really talked about it until we learned a little more about it.

BL: Tell me more about that. Kelley, were you concerned about getting Paul’s HIV?

KG: At that time I was not too worried. I loved him so much, I just wanted to be with him.

BL: Did the news interfere in any way with your sex-life? I mean did you feel you had this thing hanging over you or did you learn to forget it?

KG: I never let it get to me in a way where I would be afraid of my husband.

PG: I was worried for her safety, I would have a difficult time sometimes. I started drinking more to take the emotional pain away.

BL: Now I expect you also wanted to have children, right? Did you know at the time what the chances of them being born with HIV were?

KG: We had the older two already and we learned that as long as mom was HIV free, the baby would also be HIV free.

BL: Did you go for help in understanding the issues and risks involved in having kids when Paul was positive?

KG: No, we asked about it and there was so much negativity, I told my husband that I didn't want to talk with anyone about it

PG: Like my wife said we tried talking to other doctors and they were against it, so we just went ahead and followed our hearts.

BL: How hard was your decision to make?

KG: The only hard decision was having to live with the guilt if our child was HIV+.

PG: It was very hard for me because I didn't want to get my wife infected or my child. I think I would have felt selfish.

BL: Have you heard about “sperm –washing” that some couples go through?

KG: Yes, it was after we had our third that we heard about this and there was a doctor willing to help. When we wanted to have another child, the doctor had already moved out of the area.

BL: Was Paul’s viral load anything to do with your decision to have kids? (I guess you know that research suggests that risk of transmission is low when viral load is undetectable, right?)

KG: Yes, we were told if we were going to try, Paul had to be undetectable.

PG: Yes, that is the only reason we would try.

BL: Did it make pregnancy more difficult for you, Kelley, thinking that maybe the baby might just be positive?

KG: No, because I always tested negative.

BL: So things turned out well. You have four kids now, right? And they are healthy and HIV-negative, right?

KG: Yes, they are all healthy and HIV-negative.

BL: So what are their names and how old are they?

KG: Monica 18, Paul Jr. 15, LuKias 7, and Hezekiah is 6 weeks.

BL: Kelley, I’m guessing Paul is a good dad. Am I right?

KG: Yes, he is a very good father and his love for his kids is unconditional, and his kids also love him very much.

BL: What advice would you both give to other magnetic couples who want to have kids?

PG: When my wife was pregnant with our 7-year old, people threatened to call the cops on me. Don't let the virus stop you from living and having the family of your dreams. There are doctors out there that will help and if not there are couples like us who had to learn about it.

KG: Look at your situation and weigh out your options. It can go either way.

BL: OK. At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell kids that one of their parent is HIV-positive?

PG: As soon as they're old enough to understand. My 7-year old already asks questions. He's starting to understand a little more.

BL: So how easy is telling them that to do?

PG: It's a little hard for me, because I don't want my kids worrying for me. I don't want them to think I'm gonna die everytime I get sick.

BL: Right. Thank you so much to the both of you for answering all my questions. I think there’ll be a lot of interest in your story, just as there was with your previous interviews, Paul. Tell me why you consented to do this interview.

PG: People need to know that there is hope, and that they are not alone. We’re willing to share our story with anyone; if it help's one person it's worth sharing our story.

BL: Anything else you’d like to say?

PG: People, please get tested and know your status. It may make a difference in your life and maybe your loved ones lives.

BL: Again, thank you so much for talking to PositiveLite, Paul and Kelley. I can’t tell you how much we appreciate this. A big hug to you both from all of us here in Canada

So regular readers will know my feet are a mess, the product of peripheral neuropathy caused perhaps by the prescribed drugs I take or have taken, perhaps by HIV itself. I’ve recounted here more than once how this side-effect induced pain in the feet has advanced so that it's hard to get it under control. Firstly my healthcare team has withdrawn Truvada from my five-drug combo and secondly they have added Gabapentin to the mix.

For my part, I have invested in New Balance brand shoes which I wear most of the time – they have a lot of cushioning, come in wide fittings, and are probably the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned. But they just can’t stave off the affects of neuropathy. In my case, I walk differently when my feet are hurting, which in turn eventually makes your lower-back hurt and turns you in to one miserable SOB.

So I was definitely in the market for alternative solutions.

Dr Scholls “Orthotic Centre” first caught my eye in our local Wal-Mart. I saw one again at Costco last week and decided to give it a try. It’s a fearsome looking shoulder-high kiosk with a platform you stand on, having removed your shoes. There are two handles to hold on to. A computer screen tells you what to do. Lean forward. Raise one leg and lean forward. Raise the other leg and lean forward. The machine meanwhile is mapping the pressure points on the underside of your feet. The result is a customized recommendation for one particular smodel of Dr Scholl’s orthotic inserts, of which there are many.

The technology behind the kiosk as well as what goes in to the three-layered inserts is described here.

The kiosk contains a supply of the inserts in all the various fits that the computer might recommend. My test resulted in a recommendation for the CF340 model which provides extra-good support for the arches. I know mine had suffered badly though having to walk flat-footed because of the neuropathy, in effect taking pressure off my toes. The inserts aren’t cheap – at Costco they are $70, for which you get two pairs, which realistically you probably need. But that $70 price compares with the hundreds of dollars you would pay for custom-fitted inserts elsewhere. It seemed well worth a try. Besides, the Wal-Mart reviews (an authoritative source if ever there was one, LOL) are pretty glowing.

Now to the important question: do they work? The answer is that based on just two days experience I would say yes. They certainly seem to make your feet feel more comfortable when standing or walking, providing support where you need it (arches) and cushioning elsewhere (heel and toes.) It’s true they do occupy space inside your shoes, so the shoes appear tighter, and that may not work well for some people. Also your first outing in them will almost certainly feel a bit strange: it feels as if there is something balled up under your arches which shouldn’t be there – a sock or something. Also returning to more correct walking form tests neglected leg and back muscles, so you might feel sore at first until your body adjusts.

To be fair, I haven’t tested these inserts long enough to fully evaluate them as an antidote to the debilitating impact of peripheral neuropathy. And the benefits I’m feeling now may in fact be at least partly responsible to the changes in my drug regime I referred to earlier. So it’s hard to judge. But let’s say right now I’m most favourably impressed by this product.

I think what it boils down to is that I’m seeing that the pain from peripheral neuropathy benefits from being attacked on several fronts. Prescription drugs might work, over the counter pain killers might work, dropping troublesome drugs from your regime might work, even acupuncture might work. But you also have to take measures which are kind to your feet. My take is that Dr Scholl’s Custom Fit orthotic inserts might do just that. So yes, I’m a believer.

 I’ll check back in six weeks to report if the effect is lasting.

Something very unusual happened to me yesterday. I got a phone call out of the blue from Dr No-Bedside-Manner’s office. (Attentive readers will remember me writing about my experience with Dr NBM here. ) He's my HIV specialist at the Toronto Positive Care Clinic that looks after me.

Actually it was earnest young pharmacist (EYP) placing the call – he works with Dr NBM and had been talking to him - with a suggestion that I drop Truvada from my regime. The reason? It’s potentially contributing to my peripheral neuropathy and also affecting kidney function, according to my blood-work. In fact I have to take THREE drugs to counter side effects of Truvada, which currently brings my HIV arsenal to eight different meds a day. That‘s way too much, in my view.

Anyway, I’ve raised the possibility of dropping Truvada before, but it’s been a no go. Now Dr NBM and EYP seem to have had a change of heart. I’m game of course. Truvada is a drug with an “interesting” profile of side effects, to say the least.  I’d say it’s potnetially far more troublesome than the oft-quoted villain of the drug cabinet, Sustiva.   In any event, I’m happy to flush the things down the toilet – or something. Bye bye Truvada it is.

(Btw, there are blogs/community forums which discuss side effects like this. Here’s one on the Isentress/Truvada combo – I also take Isentress.)  These forums may work well for some people but I must confess I don’t use them – I’m just not that obsessive.

In any event, the other part of that morning’s phone discussion with EYP involved my peripheral neuropathy issues. I’ve been on Gabapentin just one week, and EYP wanted to know how I was doing. I really don’t know the answer, but I think it might just be showing some improvement.  On the other hand, I’m not immune to the placebo effect. The mind is a curious thing. Check back with me in a month and I’ll tell you better how the Gabapentin is working.

But my feet SHOULD be worse. They had their hardest work-out in months this past weekend. I was in Quebec City with my partner and friends and while we took A LOT of cabs, I still ended up walking about 2 km one day. (I have a post on that trip, btw, with a ton of pics, in the works.) Anyway, my feet were pretty raw after that, and I was literally hobbling by the end, but at least I walked 2 km, which is a MAJOR achievement for me.

Trouble is all that hobbling is hard on the body. Your body compensates and you develop achy legs, achy thighs and in my case a truly achy back. Jeez, if it isn’t one thing it’s another.

But the real point I wanted to make is that, back to Dr NBM and EYP, I was bowled over by how proactive they were in phoning me. I mean that clinic is super busy, and these are two busy guys. Amazing really that I’d get a phone call and with a really consultative approach to my options at that.  Score one for the Positive Care Clinic peeps.

You know, people complain about the Canadian Health Service A LOT. Come election time it’s often named as the voting public’s number one issue. But the voting public are more likely than not only casual users of the system. As a HEAVY user of the system ever since I was diagnosed eighteen years ago, I’ve seen some amazing things happen.  Overall, I’d rate the service one gets quite highly. I once, for instance, went to our local hospital emergency when I had fallen flat on my back on ice. I could hardly move. But I was immediately booked in, went through triage, consultation with a doctor, X-ray and another review with the doctor, this time with X-ray results, all in the space of one hour. True, that’s the exception rather than the rule, but we seldom hear stories like this, and I think our health service get an unnecessarily bad rap. There are so many good people working  for us there.  In the case of HIV care, even from the publicly financed Catholic hospitaL I go to (don't ask) my care for the most part has ben respectful, expert and pretty exemplary in every way.  I mean they've kept me alive, for starters.  My GP, a woman doctor I've dealt with for years now, is an angel too.  I’d be interested what other heavy consumers think of the care they erceive, though.

 So those are the latest developments. Will my feet continue to hurt?  What impact wilol dropping Truvada have.  What will Oprah do next?  I’ve considered doing regular posts on these topics,  my experience with peripheral neuropathy in particular because it’s so common in HIVers, and many who are not experiencing symptoms yet may werll do so in time. Plus it’s kind of challenging to treat, and sharing may help. That kind of ongoing coverage sounds like the kind of thing I myself would like to read but could also be seen as incredibly self indulgent. Something to think about, eh?

When we talk of health in the HIV community, seldom do we think of financial health. What is our financial health? Are we living day to day on credit? Is the bank account often in the red zone?

I have presented at many HIV workshops on food security and I hear over and over again of people living with HIV struggling to get by on their fixed income and/or long term disability income. While AIDS Service Organizations (ASOs) have limited financial resources to assist, many HIVers end up fending for themselves in a downwards financial spiral. Even HIVers who are employed are faced with the task of saving and building for a future. However we know from the social determinants of health that socioeconomic factors have a direct impact on health and wellness.

The possibility of financial health and freedom is not an impossible dream. With that in mind, I requested a good friend, Mark Sampson, a financial advisor, to write on The Wellness of Finance. ( Mark’s bio appears below with his contact details).  

The Wellness of Finance

As we get older on our journey through life our priorities change. We begin to focus more on our physical and mental well being by eating better and not “sweating the small stuff”. As HIVers, whether you are on a fixed income or have employment, the stress of financial management can be overwhelming. Have you stopped to consider how your financial well being plays a part?

The benefits of treatment have allowed HIVers to make future plans such as home ownership.  

We all know the effect stress has on our physical, sexual, emotional and mental wellness. The constant worry about money and not knowing what tomorrow brings is a major contributor to that stress. Want to make it go away? It will not happen overnight, but making a plan and setting small goals along the way will make you feel ten times better and more in control of your financial future.

It's not how much you make that counts, it's how much you spend. Step One is to truly analyze all the material goods in your life (and your spending habits) and determine if they are a “need” or a “want”. Do you really “need” that new article of clothing or dinners out three times a week? Eckhart Tolle, a visionary spiritual writer, instructs us that material things have a diminishing satisfaction quotient when you do not look inside and solve what is truly troubling you. The more you buy or surround yourself with “things”, the less satisfying these “things” become and for a shorter period of time; not to mention what they are doing to your stress level if you truly cannot afford them.

Once you have decided you can spend less, Step Two is to choose a date to work towards for your savings. This process is called paying yourself first. Start small. If you feel like you are punishing yourself from the get go you will not get very far. Each month try to increase your saving and then marvel at your accomplishment once you reach your end date (say, one year).

The best strategy is to think of paying yourself as a bill that must be paid. You can contribute weekly, biweekly, or monthly to a separate bank account or via your place of employment through your paycheque, etc. It is beneficial to sit down with your financial advisor and create a budget that is realistic for you.

You control how much you save (or pay yourself) and how quickly you reach your goal. Get creative and experience how rewarding it can be. It eventually becomes a non-negotiable part of your well being. The result? You become more relaxed, have greater peace of mind, build your financial worth, create negotiating power (for jobs or purchases for example), take advantage of opportunities and deals, secure your well being in times of poor health, and enjoy life with less stress.

Step Three is to reward yourself! You have worked hard, so take a little (and I mean a little) and buy something you “want”. Once you have a nest egg you can begin having your money work harder for you instead of you working harder for your money.

Managing your finances is an integral part of managing your physical, mental and spiritual health. There is a wealth (pun intended) of resources out there to get you started from your local bank to financial advisors, but you have to take the first step.

Bio: Mark Sampson is a Certified Financial Planner and works closely with the LGBT community. Mark has been working in the financial services industry for 16 years. His expertise lies in communicating easy to understand concepts that help individuals achieve their financial goals and mental wellness. Mark can be reached via internet at www.sampsoncapital.com or Toll Free: 1-800-434-9940 ext 289

An old friend of mine from 10 years ago found me online this week. We used to go to clubs and pubs together and have a great time. I’m happy to have hooked up with her again, but a few of the things she said to me have made me realise how much I have changed since then. The part of her initial email that made me think was:

“So.......any romances to tell me of? Or adventures? Has to be! I've missed your stories.”

The stories she is alluding to are stories of another me altogether. Stories such as the time I went home with a guy I had briefly met in a club, to find out that he had an extensive collection of books on the Spanish Inquisition all over his flat and a weird collection of body suits with mitts and buckles along the back... that completely freaked me out.

In other words, stories that touched upon the risky behaviour and tendency to put myself into dangerous situations that got me into this HIV mess in the first place.

There are of course stories I could tell her since 2001, but I’d rather not revisit them with her. There have also been adventures, but certainly not the kind that I would ever wish to make again. Romance? None whatsoever. I had a brief relationship (if you could even call it that) with a guy in the couple of years before my diagnosis, but I haven’t had a real relationship since 2002.

I’m considering dipping my toes back in the relationship pool... although I need to make sure that I don’t burn myself, especially now that I have the HIV clanger to drop. But anyway...

I guess her email made me realise that I’m older and wiser now. For example, the riskiest behaviour I have engaged in over the past year is crossing a busy main road. A lot has happened in the 10 years since we last spoke, most of which I never thought would happen to me. A valuable lesson and wake-up call for me to change my behaviour.

When I meet with her, I think she’ll be surprised to hear that I have been living a quiet life.

Every Wednesday I gather with a few close friends and have a drink or two and watch our favourite TV show; Modern Family. This tradition started a while back with our other Favourite TV show; Big Brother…but I digress. The reason for the mention of my weekly “Boiz Nite” is really to underline the importance and good fortune that come with friends.

This past Monday we got together for burgers and to light off fireworks for Victoria Day. The burgers were great; the company sublime, the fireworks kinda fizzled like bad sex. During the evening the Boiz announced that they were gonna throw me a 50th birthday party. I had always been aware that “something” was gonna happen; we had talked about it before. To actually hear from your friends that they are going to go to the trouble, the time, and the expense to entertain 100 of my closest friends is truly humbling to say the least; it was all I could do to hold back the sniffies as they discussed rental halls, djs, food and booze. My job was to compile a guest list and give it to them.

In the olden days my parents had an address book (I still have it). Should my parents ever have to contact their friends or family they went to the book, got the address, and wrote a letter. If it was more of an urgent matter they would call. My list of friends and family can be found on Facebook, their numbers programmed into my blackberry. I went on to Facebook yesterday to compile my list. I am not a huge Facebook fan so I found it very odd that this would be the place I held such personal information for the world to see. From my 286 friends I jotted down the names of some 60-70 people…add to that the staff from RHAC and we’re pushing 100.

Those who know me believe me to be an extrovert; those who know me well know that I am truly an introvert. Having almost 300 Facebook friends is understandable. In my line of work I have travelled a lot and met many great people that have since become my Facebook friends. For me to realize that there are 100 people that I consider close is remarkable since I tend to be somewhat of a homebody and a loner. The entire list of people I compiled actually holds a special place in my heart and I am surprised beyond words. I am not the bitch I thought I was.

During this process I was made painfully aware of names that were not on the list. My friend Lori passed away 2 ½ years ago from ovarian cancer and I miss her every day. My partners; although odd to have both of them there, they are part of me. My son Robby who will not be sitting with his siblings on this night; I was made very aware of them all. I cannot begin to count the other friends lost over they years. I truly don’t mean to be maudlin but for a PHA diagnosed over 20 years ago to be planning and looking forward to a milestone birthday party is still hard for me to believe.

So much has happened, so much change. Sometimes it feels like walls came crashing down around me and somehow I am still standing and I am yet to figure out yet if that was a good thing. In all of the work that I do in the name of empowerment there are always the thoughts of the other shoe dropping and everything changing, again.

I will make the list and celebrate with my friends. I am going to be fifty fucking years old and I can’t believe it.