How it happened was, when I entered Psycho Dynamic Therapy in November 2010 I was on an exceptionally high dosage of anti-depressants and had been for a large part of the year. They had suppressed my sexual appetite to the point of invisibility throughout the year and there hadn’t been much action anyway.

One thing I promised myself upon starting therapy was that I was going to use the time I had with Jade (my therapist) to truly start to get to know myself. At 42 as I was then I really was uncertain as to who I was and what I wanted.

Under medical supervision it was agreed that I would be weaned of the anti-depressants but quite rapidly. The upshot of this, tied in with very intense sessions of therapy, was that for a short time at least my emotions were truly like being on a roller coaster. I could mistake the slightest thing as something that had  never been intended, It certainly made November and December last year very interesting.

Over the new year holidays last year I got a little confused over how I felt emotionally about an old friend, an old friend who had originally started out as a fantasy who went on to become a ‘shag’ but then over time became a very good friend.

We would see each other socially on occasion and had great chats on facebook, but it was becoming apparent to me that my ‘feelings were more than friendly’. On December 30th he texted me as he had seen my picture in GMFA’s “count me in” campaign that had just recently gone live.

He had the day off, as did I and we agreed to meet up. We enjoyed a lazy day of chatting and drinking coffee and just catching up. My emotions were getting very confused and then went off the scale as he took control and right in the middle of the street grabbed me and started to snog me very deep and very hard.

We went for a drink after that and while chatting agreed he would come spend the night with me.The sex was………

Well it was awful actually. Neither of us had changed physically all that much; we knew each other much better this time than we had at the time of the previous event 7 years earlier. But you cannot imagine a more awkward sexual encounter. We went to sleep hugging, saying next time we will be more relaxed.

Next time  - ‘New Years Night’ - we gave up before we even started. So technically it is exactly one year today since I last had sex.

I didn’t consciously decide to stop but I was very conscious in my choice on the first day of 2011 that it would be the year of getting to know me, and of making new friends, and I guess that subconsciously I realised that SEX and all that goes with it could only confuse matters.

So I took it off the table. For me it just didn’t exist. I didn’t have a problem with that, there was so much going on for me anyhow. In January I took a second job to supplement my existing part time one and suddenly found myself working 6-day weeks and 10-12 hour days. Add in weekly therapy session that were at times traumatic as I travelled back through the mire of my past, attempting to release myself from whatever was holding me in stasis. There wasn’t much time for anything else.

By the summer when I kick-started phase two of the year's action plan, that of making new friends, I was very conscious of taking sex out of the equation, as I have confused sex and friendship in the past and didn’t want it to get in the way. I developed one or two crushes on people who came in to my life at this time, but nothing that hurt or embarrassed me, or the object of the crush.

It was around this time I realised that I was indeed celibate. It was also around this time that I started to tweet and write. I knew it would have to be covered at some stage.

When I have told people that I don’t have sex, I have had a plethora of reactions - "Really? Why? What a waste! How do you manage?" So let me answer these questions,

Really? Yes really, you should try it some time

Why? I didn’t feel I could get to know myself while worrying about getting to know someone else. Also while in therapy of any kind I felt it was a good idea to remove something that could make me feel over-critical of myself or worry about what someone else thought of me, and would I measure up.

What a waste! To me the waste was being in some stranger’s house desperately trying to reach orgasm with no emotional attachment, or worse than that, fearful that they might have more or less feeling for me than I did them. (Ego)

How do I manage? Well without being too explicit. God gave me hands!

So it’s been a whole year now… what next I wonder? Well I have already decided that 2012 is the year of career for me. Throughout my ten-year battle with depression, I have never achieved any of what I wanted to in my career. My objectives have changed enormously on that front and a lot of the foundations are already in place.

But I have made a conscious decision to no longer be celibate. I won’t be trawling streets and parks for conquests, but equally I feel I understand myself enough to be able to meet my needs on that front.

So maybe I will call 2012 The Year of the Slightly Sluttish Achiever.

Happy New Year.

This post was first published in Denis Robinson's own blog, which you can find here. 

I’ve always dreamed that what I wanted would just come to my door gift wrapped and ready to go. That includes relationships. Yet, I have learned this past year that packaging is just on the surface. When dating, hooking-up, connecting online, etc, so much can get missed by just accepting the exterior. Sure good looks and self-maintenance get a big check mark on the list, and certainly make the gift giving more exciting, but if you want things to last, as they say, maybe reading the manual and warranty are in order!

It’s awful narcissistic to presume that the gift wrap says everything about what’s inside. I remember my parents would be clever in their gift wrapping at Christmas. You know – a box inside a box inside a box; so what you thought was a large item was actually a watch or ring. It was exciting to have my conception of the gift challenged so I tore into each later not knowing what would be the final present. This whole process took time. If I want to get to know someone, thinking the same approach might work. It’s about the mystery that is understood more with every layer exposed – date 1, date 2….even date 3!

I tend to know now by date 2, if someone just wants me around for the packaging only. In charting my almost 50 plus years on this planet, I’ve arrived with some non-negotiables (yes, guilty of watching Matchmaker Millionaire!) in my dating adventures. Not saying I’ve always followed them but I’m definitely putting them into practice more.

Here are some ideas about gift wrapping the romance:

1. size doesn’t matter. It may be a bit of a surprise but eyes are one of the most sensual organs. Many people get nervous or guarded when someone looks at them directly in the eyes for more than a few seconds. If it’s all about inches, and eyes were the criteria, there would be a lot of missed opportunities. When was the last time an online profile asked how big your eyes were?
2. you and me make two…meaning some type of collaboration should happen. You don’t get to play with me using your own list of instructions or throwing mine out before assembling. I have a list too-so sharing, hearing, listening, doing what the other person wants sometimes can make things flow. It’s not all about you!
3. don’t share too much too soon. Just like the layered Christmas present, best to keep things under wrap and hidden from view and bring out a little more each time you meet. The internet has given us a disservice by profiling our lives in snippets of information, and we can get easily fooled that the short blip says it all about someone.

So now that Christmas is passed, 2012 will have other opportunities to open other kinds of gifts. If the gift you want is a growing relationship with someone, remember packaging is just the start of the adventure. Enjoy what’s inside.

It was a bust. Not the type of bust that gay men are oddly attracted to, but rather, my efforts to proclaim my affection for Philip.Unfortunately for me, that was not the only thing that was a bust.

First: Dinner. Philip was going to be a couple minutes late to dinner on his last night in town, so I made the regrettable decision to wait for him in one of the million Starbucks in New York.  When we finally sat down for dinner at one of my favorite places to go in Hell's Kitchen, which aptly was where we ate on our first date, I was having what can only be referred to as a caffeine fit. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am easily excitable (keep your minds out of the gutter!) and prone to wild gesticulations. When Starbuck's disastrously strong coffee was added to the mix along side being anxious about telling my feelings to Philip, I was in rare form.

Second: Show. I took him to see Lysitrata Jones, a new Broadway musical. (If you are in town check it out, it’s amazingly much fun!). And wouldn't you know it, only three rows behind us was one of my exes. Well, we can't really call him my ex. We never really dated. We only had sex a couple of times. Either way, I tried and I tried not to be noticed by him - thank God for winter coats with big collars. But alas, I was spotted on the way back from the much needed intermission pee break. I was forced into made small talk with What's-His-Name and we might have even talked about getting together again soon. Or maybe we didn't. Who can remember? As I took my seat in preparation for the second act, "Who was that?" Philip asked.  Now let's add "uncomfortable sighting" to my list of agitations.

Third: Bar. I took him to a local gay bar. I was hoping that some alcohol would help me: 1. calm my nerves and 2. assist me in my pursuit to put the moves on him. Sadly, let's just say the alcohol only helped to accomplished number 1. Because Philip had been packing for three days straight and my caffeine high had finally crashed, we found ourselves in a collective coma after our second drink. .

Fourth: The walk to the Subway. This was my last chance: Walking the four blocks, I psyched myself up and I was actually going to do it. Yes, I finally was going to… how do they say it? Oh. "Grow a set." We made it to his subway entrance surrounded by the grandeur of Times Square at Christmas. Philip came in for a hug and right before I was going to make the plunge and plant one on his lips, this fucking tourist ruined everything! This lady, who Philip and I probably had the honor of being the first 'gays' she ever saw, interrupted my move with a loud "Awwwwww….." And with that Philip started to laugh and we ended our embrace. I was completely deflated and there was no going back.

Fifth: The Passive-Aggressive Approach. The day after my last after my last blog entry was published, I received this:

"I read your blog today. It was good. Just know that I couldn't have gone down that road. Too much crazy life changes going on in my head. I think you are awesome, and I am so grateful that you were in my life this year. I desperately needed a neutral friend, and you helped get me through a lot of unresolved crap. The whole gym thing and hanging out. I needed all of those things. I don't want to make you feel awkward, but our friendship means a lot to me. More than that, I don't know if I would have ever let it work."

I completely understood and I hopefully now I can shelve those emotions and those 'What if' questions and finally move past my yoga crush.

Sixth: Are you Serious? I had set up two dates. Really REAL dates, not the ones acquired using a gentleman's socializing network. One on Thursday and the one on Saturday. I was incredibly proud of myself!  But to add insult to my emotional injury, both of them canceled. Seriously, BOTH OF THEM! Complete Bust!

I will not be discouraged. Nothing will stop me from finding my true Mr. Darcy [or insert any literary romantic hero here, because I am sure I will find him along the way too.].

If I had a dollar for every time I heard one of my friends ask "why don't you have a someone in your life yet, you're such a nice guy, why don't people see that?”  As if dating someone is going to make me a better person and  I can't possibly be happy unless I have someone in my life. Good grief!

I could be twice as rich if I included the times I’ve asked myself the same question.

I just completed a survey through my local AIDS Service Organization (ASO) called "Show Me The Love". It’s funded by the Ontario HIV Treatment Network (OHTN). The purpose of the study is to understand the barriers to sexual intimacy faced by people living with HIV. When they told me about it I just had to make a little joke -  "do I have to have a sex life to take part?"

The study is to understand what programs and services ASOs can adopt to support people living with HIV and the challenges they face with sexual relationships. The information is gathered during a face to face interview: participants receive a $40.00 reimbursement. So I'm thinking, “40 bucks and I don’t have to say much. I can do that." Absolutely nothing happening in that department for a while now, anyway.

The questions were formulated for discussion as opposed to a written statement, I don't think I would have been able to be as honest otherwise. They dealt with what sex life was like before and after my diagnosis, disclosure, the legal obligations of today and what would a healthy sex life look like. At the end I was allowed to return to some areas where I might want to add to.I couldn't believe how much I had shared to that point. Having the time to talk I was able to see some of my faults, things that haven't exactly been helpful. I can see myself signing up for any workshops they are able to be put together. I can sure use some help.

I've been watching Coronation Street. In the story, this character named Sean is being pursued by someone he dated before. It didn't work out but now the guy is back and a lot wiser and ready to settle down. Sean refuses to see the obvious messages from the other guy, he's trying to protect himself by ignoring what he does see, thinking he will just be let down again. The sad part is I can identify with him but I wouldn't admit it to myself. Well I wouldn't before but I can now. The King of the One Night Stands or like I wrote before, always the friend, never the boyfriend.

Several times I went through that stage thinking something more could happen if I took a friendship to the next step, only to find out the friend didn't feel the same way. Those attempts actually strengthened a few friendships and we are still friends today. It would be so easy if it had worked; they do say friends make the best partners. Live and learn. Jeeeze, this is sounding so cliché.

Here are some lessons I've learned along the way, “Never set limits or you leave yourself limited." If I was to write up a profile of my perfect partner that I should wait for, then I will be waiting a very, very long time, Brad Pitt is already taken and he isn't gay. The next thing I will avoid doing is meeting anyone online. I believe I have played every game possible on there and paid the price, I don't even go there anymore. If I meet anyone, it will be face to face, someone real that I can see for who they really are and learn to like over a period of time. And finally, I don't want to be needed. Been there, done that, I have been the rescuer too many times.

All in all, the Show Me The Love study was very good for me, Like therapy,it allowed me talk long enough so that I was able to see what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do differently. Funny thing about it is, my friends have been telling me the same thing for ages. Bring on the workshops and I will be attending my first counselling session December 14th.

If you get a chance to do the study, take it! Having HIV doesn't mean we can't have sex. We can and it can be happy, healthy and safe. Finding programs that will teach us how to enjoy sex that both mentally and physically can be so life changing.

Courage is something that did not come in my genetic make-up. Don’t get me wrong; when push comes to shove I can become quite protective and stand-up for myself. I did manage to defend myself when attacked by two pre-teen muggers – round-house kicks and all. I am still proud of that moment!

I am the type of person that still gets embarrassed walking in sex shops and I know it’s completely ridiculous but most times I even have my condoms delivered in a little brown box via Amazon.com. If you think that’s bad, I am worse when it comes to matters of the heart. Like any good machine in trouble, I power down. Much like the Cowardly Lion, I run away. And like the Cowardly Lion it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibilities if I did my big number as I was exiting stage left.

My yellow-bellied ways became rather evident last weekend after Brice and I attended Philip’s modern dance performance. We decided to get drinks at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen to congratulate Philip on an extremely impressive performance. After all of our congratulatory drinks were thrown back, we decided to go home early. Philip hopped on the subway to take him to Brooklyn and Brice and I shared a cab since we both live in Astoria.

About five minutes into the cab ride, Brice talked turned to me and said, “I would like to be more than just friends.”

I really like Brice and have an amazing time with him. I even sometimes look at him and think, “Well. Maybe...” But truthfully, no matter how I spin it, I just don’t have that spark - that fire in my belly - for him. I wish I did. But I don’t. So, instead of “manning up”, I just stared at my hands. Granted, I was a little intoxicated at that point, but all measly excuses aside, I really don’t think I would have been equipped with the right words if I wasn’t. My  response: “I just don’t know what to say.”

We sat in silence the rest of the way home.

The next day I sent Brice an email apologizing for my lack of verbiage. Later that day, he replied and thanked me and reassured me that we were good. Oddly enough, he was right. We are still good and I hope we will remain good.

While I was drafting that apology email I couldn’t help thinking about Brice’s chutzpah. It takes a lot of courage to tell a close friend that you have a crush on them because the outcome can go so many different ways. First, and the most desired, the friend feels the same way and you will end up living happily ever after. Secondly, the friend has no romantic feelings and there is weirdness and nothing can ever be the same. Thirdly, there are no romantic feelings but you both move on and your friendship is stronger than before (this is what I am hoping for me and Brice). So, yes I think it takes a lot of courage to risk everything.

Then all of a sudden it hit me. It hit me like a damn Acme anvil. All this time I have been a coward! I still like Philip. I have liked Philip since that time I  saw him in yoga a year ago. Ever since I cyber stalked him on Facebook. Ever since we had our first date and I kicked myself all the way home for not kissing him. Then of course, he went on tour and was gone for six months and when he finally came back we decided to be friends. Wait, let me back up, I decided to be friends. You see, he was trying to adjust back to New York after being stuck in Budapest for some time when his appendix burst (long story). He was also dealing with issues with an ex he wasn’t quite over yet, so I took the safe-route and suggested we just be friends.

And friends we became. Good friends. We worked out together four times a week. We hung out everyweekend. Sometimes we would even spend the entire day together. Not to psychoanalyze myself, but I wonder if because of my feelings for Philip, I wasn’t allowing myself to get invested into someone else. And now to add insult to injury, he is leaving in two days. Two days!

Philip is moving to Portland.

What to do? I have two courses of action. One, I maintain my cowardly ways and continue our friendship as is. Or, two, I could try to whisk him off his feet in some sort of romantic-comedy-way before he leaves. Still undecided in my course of action, I have planned a goodbye dinner the night before he leaves. This is completely cheesy but I feel like it is a first date over again. I thought it would be nice, kind of like book ends to a friendship. And true to form, I have played out all the different scenarios and endings in my head...complete with laughter, tears, embraces and “embraces.” Sometimes there is even an orchestra swell right before the credits begin to scroll.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Of course, if I do lose my nerve and revert back to my old cowardly ways and send him off to Portland without a proper cinematic ending, he will find out how I feel after he reads this blog entry. That is my passive aggressive version of courage.

I’m not sure if it was the last full moon, the recent cold snap or if I was one of the featured members on the yes, no or maybe option on the online dating site I am hooked up to but OMG! After three months from signing up, I have suddenly become a hot commodity. I have been bombarded by all kinds of interested candidates trying to grab my attention… and a few of my body parts as well.

There is definitely a portion of would be suitors looking for a quick “hook up”, especially when you are online and the chatting option is available. “Where do you live? Are you up for a visit? Are you a top or bottom?” I find it more hilarious than vulgar, as I am not the least bit interested in a quick hook up. Isn’t that what Craig’s List or the steam baths are for?

What about the men whose profiles state they are looking for women and yet leave messages wanting to meet you? What’s up with that? I maybe confused but not half as much as they are. I chatted with one guy that went into detail about a necking session he had with another guy though he swears he is totally heterosexual. He just wanted to talk to someone about it, but why me? One could blame the full moon for this one. For some reason, I seem to be attracting these types as well and it’s not just a local occurrence.  Doesn’t Vancouver or Halifax have help lines for these people to reach out to?

There is also a portion of admirers that just didn’t do it for me. I was gracious in letting them down and wishing them luck in their searches, as I would hope others would do to me if the roles were reversed. It isn’t always “good manners” online but then again that is a reflection of ones personality and not a trait I find endearing.

Well, I must say, it isn’t all weird and awkward. I have had several interesting connections that have even led to marathon phone conversations and the promises of getting together. Since I am adapting to a new job and busy with a few other things I have put off the next step for now. We’ll see if a little distance can make the heart grow fonder. In a couple of cases, there is actually some distance between us as they live in other cities (not Vancouver or Halifax, by the way). I look forward to meeting them when they are in town and will see if there is potential.

I finally mustered up the courage to go out on a date about six weeks ago...prior to my bike accident. He was eager to meet me and after a couple of weeks of emails and chats I agreed to do just that. His picture, profile and conversations certainly had an appeal. We walked through Allen Gardens, one of my favorite get-aways in the heart of Toronto, and around the adjacent neighborhood on a balmy Sunday afternoon. I realized fairly quickly that there was no love connection between us and he wasn’t the gay for me.

Affairs of the heart can take time, especially with the step-by-step process one has to follow when online dating. The variety of would be suitors make it a necessity to proceed at a sensible pace. This may be the path to follow to eventually stumble upon just the right gay.