I have been struggling as of late to put into words confirmation of my brother's homophobia towards me. I need to process this in such a manner that allows me to have a personal debriefing on why my brother would rather not know me and how I feel about that.
I have for some time believed that my brother, my only sibling, is homophobic, which in turn would explain his absence in my life. I have never been close with him so I find it hard to read his actions or lack thereof. So, even though I now know of his lack of moral fibre I am left with more questions than answers. There is a part of me that needs those answers and an even bigger part of me that knows those answers will never come.
I need to answer on his behalf, using his intellect or rather obviously lack thereof. I just can’t fathom how people arrive at a decision not to have someone in their life based not in reality but rather a skewed version of one’s own perception of right and wrong.
My brother and I were raised by two very loving, open minded, honest, caring hard working people who taught us both to be blind to race, religion, and sexual orientation. I had thought they achieved that very well, apparently not so much. I remember vividly coming out to my parents and my mother insisting that she be the one to tell my brother, because, well, you know how he is. I came out 36 years ago this month and his views about me have been stewing this whole time and I’m ok with that. 36+ years is a long time to be stupid.
"So in situations such as this the uninformed will all too often admonish those in the know about our choices in life."
I have seen my brother for lunches and only lunches over the past 20+ years; lunches that although he always attended, in hindsight I realized he never planned; I did. I spoke to him every year on his birthday, Christmases, anniversaries and the like, but never got a reciprocal call for the same. Those lacking calls were for him always an “I forgot” moment.
I really did think he just had a bad memory.
I never thought my brother could not care about me, us, my children, and our family. Other than our children we are each other’s only living blood relative. I am so very fortunate that my children, although not close in age, certainly have each other’s back and I know with every fibre of my being that each would be there for the other regardless of their paths in life. My parents passed many years ago now which I believe has given my brother license to be a more open and rather insensitive twatwaffle. Big man that he is, my Mother and Father would have had a few choice words for his beliefs and his behavior. So in situations such as this the uninformed will all too often admonish those in the know about our choices in life.
So brother, let me tell you about my choices in life …
I choose to be honest with my children and never lead them astray with my own personal thoughts, beliefs or biases. I will never tell my children that anyone is less than or not as good as but instead will hopefully lead by example to treat all with kindness, dignity and respect.
I choose to live my life openly, honestly and never allow another individual to suggest I do otherwise. I will always strive to be unwavering in my faith of all and at the end of the day when I lay my head to rest I do so with the knowledge that there is no one in my life that I have chosen to treat poorly or differently.
I am most deliriously happy to be able to state in a true brother vs. brother moment of triumph that I am in fact right and you sir are wrong … dead wrong. Being the little brother all these years never afforded me the upper hand. I not only now have the upper hand I in truth hold all the cards; and you sir are the joker that is so very often discarded
On that note,
I cannot have you, my brother, in my life because that would go against all that I hold near and dear. I would be doing my children a great disservice if I showed them that they need to hang on to people simply because it’s family. This is not what family does and certainly not how family acts. Familial love when done right is always unconditional.
It is not a matter of forgiveness because in truth what you have done by example you have not done to me but instead to yourself and your children; shame on you.
I don’t have to answer to your children … you do.
This article by Rob Newman previously appeared at POZtalk, here.