I will never let fear rule my life or ruin my happiness but, let me tell you, fear has had its moments in my life.

The first time I was asked to share my story was several years ago, at the University of Guelph for about 100 students in a sexual behaviours class. Just walking into one of the lecture halls, it was like stepping on to many movies sets. It was intimidating for sure. Seeing all of the students filing in one by one, I started to get nervous.

Lucky for me, there was one other speaker and she had been doing it for many years. So, I got to watch someone with experience. I could feel my heart pumping as I waited my turn. There was a microphone that was supposed to clip onto our shirt but it was broken. We had to hold the little thing in our hand. I hoped I wouldn’t drop it. The students were told that they could ask questions after each of us spoke but there may be some questions that we might not feel comfortable answering.

After about 45 minutes sped by, it was now my turn. I grabbed the mic and introduced myself. I was surprised it was going so well. I had stopped most of the shaking and my voice became more clear as well. I noticed some of the students writing things down so I was expecting some questions. I know I should have shared more but under that type of pressure, for the first time, I wanted to tell it honestly without having notes or reading it. This is where the questions helped.

I don't remember all of the questions but one in particular had taken me by surprise, It made me really think. "How would you feel if you were in a situation where the condom broke?" What a loaded question! At the time I didn't have an answer. I could only say that I knew my status and I would do whatever I could to protect my partner. I knew that I didn't want anyone else to have to live with HIV. I may not have disclosed to the other person but I wasn’t going to do anything risky and always used protection.

Today, I can say that I have been in that situation. I have had to deal with that fear and, yes, it was a fear of mine. I was out to the bar with someone and we had had plenty to drink. We ended up going in different directions part way through the night. He was into drugs and I wasn't, so when that crowd was around he would disappear. About four in the morning he finally found his way back to the apartment.

To make a long story short, I should have refrained from having sex that night. He was stoned. During sex he kept taking the condom off me. By the time we were on the third condom, it broke. He was aware of my status. For me it was over, he wanted me to put two on and continue. I immediately said no to that. To top things off, I was holding some of his money so he wouldn’t blow it all in one night. He was just trying to satisfy me so he could get me to give him some for more drugs. I wanted to talk about what had just happened. He just got up and said it didn't matter and he left to go back to his other friends. For the rest of the weekend, I tried to advise him that he needed to go and get tested. I even spoke to his roommate about that. I had to know. 

Because of his drug problem, we didn't continue seeing each other much after that night. I have tried to keep in touch with him but was only able to contact his roommate. I learned that he has been tested twice now and he was HIV-negative. I have to say, this was the most traumatic thing I've had to endure since testing positive, waiting to hear the results of his tests. He, however, just laughed it off and said that if I had infected him  I would be stuck with him the rest of his life. 

As I write this, I ask myself what if I hadn’t known my status or what if I were negative. Would I have been so afraid? Should I have been? I hope my answer would have been – “yes!”

“I feel your pain” is often the response from friends when you share an ache or discomfort you are having.  But what is pain?  I am here to tell you pain manifests as different things to different people for different reasons.  My pain is not your pain nor vice versa.  SImilar perhaps, but not likely the same cause and effect. 

I want to offer you some insight into pain and solutions that you can implement today.  I also invite you to check out my website for more information on pain, pain management and treatment.  Pain is a response our body makes to some form of abnormality.  It can be caused by a trauma, for instance a fractured bone.  It is often associated with inflammation. 

Where there is pain there is inflammation but the reverse is not necessarily true.  Athletic individuals often experience pain during their workout or routines. The old adage of “no pain, no gain”, while still discussed often leads to injury and long term problems.  Repetitive strain injuries from running, jumping, repeated motions with work (machinists, office workers, landscapers) can create pain from wear and tear on joints, ligaments, tendons and bones. 

I often see people in my office who say, “When I do this or that motion, it hurts.”  My initial response is “stop doing it”.  After that bit of humor, it is important to look at what it is that is causing the pain, seeking out the root cause while treating the symptoms.  Without intervention, some injuries can take months or years to repair.  With interventions, healing times can be decreased and the return to routines can be quicker. 

People have access to immense amounts of information on the internet these days and are quick to seek out “Dr. Google’s” advice.  I must caution the reader on self diagnosis.  We as individuals don’t always know the right questions to be asking ourselves in determining what label we should attach to our pain or injury.  I have seen too many individuals telling me that they have carpal tunnel syndrome when they actually are afflicted with tight neck muscles and are better labeled with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, a much simpler to treat concern versus seeking out a surgical intervention.  You must remember when seeking a surgeon for advice, “Surgeons get paid to do surgery.” 

Beside injury and trauma, other sources of inflammation and pain can be drug regimens, such at HAART regimens for HIV, neurological and chemotherapeutic interventions, rheumatoid arthritis drugs, etc.  Tingling of hands and feet are common complaints with some of these protocols.  Replenishing of vitamins and minerals can help to lessen some of the symptoms.  Things like injecting vitamin B12 into pain points can sometimes help relieve and reduce these neurological symptoms. 

Another BIG source of inflammation is what we eat.  There are many foods that cause inflammation in individuals.  As a Naturopathic Doctor, I have extensive training in diet and understand which foods can be contributors to inflammation in the body and how to figure out what they are.  This can be done through testing, which can be expensive, or by undertaking food eliminations and reintroduction to see which foods are the culprits in your inflammatory process. These interventions are individually tailored to the patient. 

Some of the main problem foods are wheat and gluten, dairy and dairy products, sugar, caffeine, processed foods (aka white foods) and others.  To begin to understand how this might play into your pain experience, check out my website at www.terramadrehealth.com. 

What can I do to help with pain, inflammation and injuries resulting in pain?  Assessing what you are putting into your body is the first step.  Cleaning up your diet, making sure you are combining foods for optimal nutrition in minimizing the energy needed to digest foods is step one. Additional pain interventions can include: supplementation for gut and pain i.e. probiotics and fish oils; herbal interventions to improve immune function such as with echinacea (not the OTC stuff you can buy but herbs that are screened and 3rd party independently certified for purity and content (aka professional brands). 

Another modality that has been shown to greatly reduce pain responses is acupuncture.  Acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine has for centuries been used for pain, health and wellness.  Naturopathic Doctors receive extensive training and certification in acupuncture for the treatment of various medical conditions including pain management.

Other interventions include things like bio-puncture, where injectables are combined with anesthetics and injected into joints and pain points to stimulate an immune response. This immune response in the short term will aggravate the area. The aggravation increases the immune response and the healing capacity of the body, therefore speeding up the recovery from injury.  Less invasive techniques of subcutaneous injections and miso-therapy can provide a similar immune cascade effect using similar injectable without any need for anesthetic due to the shallowness of the interventions. 

Last but not least, the use of intravenous vitamin and mineral therapies has been shown to not only boast immune response but speed healing, due to the fact of the high concentrations of vitamins and minerals available to the cellular processes. This type of intervention, as with any of those listed, does require intake and screening for any contra-indications of the modality that might be used.  It is important with any pain management protocol to provide education, manage expectations (not everything works with every person) and to screen for anything that might preclude an individual from receiving a specific intervention. 

Pain, in all it forms, from chronic to situation to trauma, are all managed by a variety of medical interventions. NDAID’s (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs), RX pain killers, and steroids are used by the conventional medical establishment. New ideas and interventions are fast becoming mainstream as acupuncture is now available in some hospital settings, bio-puncture is being used by high performance athletes to speed recovery and guided visualizations help improve outcomes for Olympic athletes. 

If you have questions or would like further information on how you can manage or treat your pain, injury and/or inflammation, feel free to contact me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

In Health

Dr. Timothy L. Swift MA, ND

Naturopathic Doctor, TerraMadre Health

FB: TerraMadreH

Twitter: @TerraMadreH

"So this is a small plea for a little more understanding for the less able on the street. Even noticing we exist is a start and a little kindness goes a very long way ......"

I wasn’t in any way prepared for what it did to me when I first stepped outside the house with a walking stick. Who knew you could immediately add ten years to your life by leaving the house with wood in your hand! Okay, paranoid much? Not really; just try it and see how people look at you. Sounds silly but it’s true. I instantly became a different person, with another label around my neck and had to adapt to being judged accordingly. Everything is changed by that damned stick and I suddenly began to realise what it means to be less able!

At first, I genuinely thought people were looking out of sympathy; until I looked at that reflection in a car window, of a sad, old specimen hobbling along the street and wondered who it was. I know, I’ll be in all sorts of trouble for making light of necessity and I do realise it must be ten times worse, if you’re in a wheelchair. I’m not mocking it, I’m just saying how it made me feel and how I’m having difficulty accepting the inevitable. Although at the moment, I leave the stick at home if it’s humanly possible, I have that sinking feeling that this is just the beginning. This is apparently what neuropathy can do to you; I’d read it and heard about it from other people but when it happens to you, you either react stoically and get on with it, or like me, curl up in a ball and mumble insanely to yourself in the corner.

Ho hum; they were first reactions and it is getting better but I still hate the dependence and the way it changes your street cred. Actually there wasn’t really a choice in the end. During the past two years, I’ve stumbled countless times and fallen twice; badly enough to break bones in both hands and all because the neuropathy fucks with your brain and sends out wrong signals from your feet for fun. I thought about getting one of those 45km per hour, tin cans to drive around in (like they’re in any way cool!) but am worried that my feet will still betray me and I’ll inadvertently hurtle into some stray cat on the street.

Apart from that, the pills I take to suppress the pain probably fall under the highest category in the war on drugs and my insurance company may not buy the story that I didn’t realise I couldn’t drive any sort of vehicle on the public highway!

The problem is, the alternative means walking in pain and even then not very far and failing that, making the TV and computer my new best friends. So to avoid peeking longingly out at the world from behind the geraniums and the net curtains, I have to get off my ass and go out into the world. In my case, that means taking a walking stick with me, to at least fool my brain into thinking that there’s enough support to carry me along without tripping over imaginary cracks in the paving. It’s like having a third leg, though not the sort I always wanted to be known for!

It’s still a mental barrier though. I know it’s essential on my bad days but I still hate it with a vengeance and grind my teeth at my perceived loss of pride. It’s all between the ears of course and people aren’t looking at me as if I’ve just landed from Mars but that’s little consolation...yet.

Actually people on the street fall into two groups: the minority go out of their way to let you pass because they realise that you’re carrying a walking stick for a reason. However, the vast majority walk through you as if you weren’t there and God help you if you protest! In Amsterdam, the pedestrian comes way behind trams, cars, scooters, bikes, dogs and kids in the pecking order on the street. Bicycles are easily the worst because they think they have the God-given right to ride on the pavement if the mood takes them.

There is one particular sort of bike in my area, which has its parallel in the Chieftain tank and is just as deadly. It’s called a ‘Bakfiets’ and is basically a normal pushbike with panniers at the side; a grid with straps for packages at the back and a bloody great carriage for kids, dogs and shopping (often all at once) at the front. It’s generally driven by young mothers with two screaming brats in the carriage and a cell phone surgically attached to her ear. Our area is infested with them and they treat pavements as their own private race tracks as they rush their kids’ from their ADHD therapy sessions to the shops and back. The fact that they can carry on intense phone conversations at the same time baffles me but apparently it’s called ‘multi-tasking’!

On my second day out with the stick, I left the supermarket with shopping bag in my left hand and the stick in the right. The street was busy and bikes were parked everywhere as usual. I nearly had a heart attack as I turned the corner to be confronted with one of these overloaded ‘cycle tanks’ hurtling towards me at speed. I had the wits to stand my ground because if I’d done anything else, I’d be in the casualty unit again. The bike screeched to a halt; the kids in the carriage started screaming (probably from shock at the narrow escape) and the mother launched into the sort of tirade that would make sailors blush. Now when I’m angry, my Dutch doesn’t come as easily as it normally does, so I sort of spluttered a protest, pointed to the walking stick and put on the sort of eyes that made Antonio Banderas so adorable as Puss, in Shrek. It was to no avail, the harridan went on haranguing me about being in the way, until bystanders thankfully stepped in and told her she should be more responsible or words to that effect.

As I said, I hate that bloody stick but will need to find a way to use it effectively and negotiate the various obstacles that present themselves on the streets of Amsterdam. Since the ‘bakfiets’ incident, I’ve started noticing how less-able people in general are treated in shops and on the streets and it’s a shock! People with walkers and Zimmer frames are regularly scowled at, shoved, treated with impatience and ‘tutted’ at roundly. People in motorised wheelchairs come off much worse in terms of verbal abuse but at least they’ve got armour on their side; until of course, they venture onto the road or cycle path with their relatively slow moving vehicles, and are treated by youths on scooters as a challenge and fair game for a, who-dares-wins competition for right of way.

There’s one young, disabled guy locally, who revs up his wheelchair to Mach 1 and just goes for it, scattering people, bikes, dogs and shopping carts, left, right and centre. He’s psychotic of course but I sort of get where he’s coming from.

So this is a small plea for a little more understanding for the less able on the street. Even noticing we exist is a start and a little kindness goes a very long way and is really appreciated. I hope to be able to use my stick (and only my stick) for some considerable time yet but I’m not going to be taking much more crap when all I’m trying to do is get from A to B without falling. Watch out for ninja seniors with killer Zimmers, or turbo grannies in motorised wheelchairs; one day the worm will turn!

It’s Friday, June 22, 2012 at approximately 4:43pm. It’s been a beautifully warm sunny day with a slight breeze.  A week from today on June 29, 2012 I will celebrate 3 years to the end of my 29 months of homelessness. This time 3 years ago I was praying that my appointment with the Los Angeles Housing Authority would go well. I recall June 22, 2009 as being a sunny warm day and I remember wanting the week to pass rather quickly, so I would know what would be next for me. Would I still be homeless? Or would I have housing?

Today my concerns are totally different. I’ve just finished answering some questions about a picture on my Flickr photo stream so that it can be licensed and sold. Last year I was invited to be a Getty Images Contributor and from time to time my pictures are considered for licensing. On the table in front of me are donated items for the outreach for next week along with a large bag of gently used clothes donated by my two best friends. Yesterday I spoke with a supporter who wanted to arrange a time to drop by donations and another supporter has asked for my address so she could mail some items.

I’ve published two books, have been in 3 art shows, working on my third, making a film about living with HIV, writing for PositiveLite.com magazine and just one day after my 3 year anniversary I’m raising money for Being Alive Los Angeles through an art, music and spoken word event called E.N.U.F. (Empowering New Understanding Forever) I’m not just a part of this show, this show was my idea, my brainstorm, my desire to take what I do to the next level. Or as my friend KoKo once said to me “elevate the conversation”

For about seven months, I’ve made it my  mission to educate my friends Tabitha Nieto and Carlos Nieto III about HIV and AIDS, by sharing my story and the putting them in touch with people who wanted to share their stories, as well as inviting them to HIV forums where they can listen and learn about HIV and AIDS. Together we’ve worked hard to plan this art show paying attention to even the smallest detail.  Making certain that we are each sensitive and educated about the very serious and urgent matter facing our two cultures. Taking every step possible to include and welcome artists who are HIV positive that have never shown their amazing talents and doing our best to embrace their beauty and individuality without guilt, shame or stigma.

For me, someone who lives with HIV, I am not at all surprised at the level of love or humanity my friends have shown. I am not surprised by the amount of compassion and personal stories shared by fellow artists about how HIV and AIDS has touched their own lives in some ways. I was not surprised that finding quality artists to be part of the show was so easy. However I was discouraged, saddened, but not surprised that nearly every HIV service organization we asked replied with a “NO” about being part of the show. We were, however, able to find an organization to provide FREE HIV testing.

Lion is provided by Nicole Pelletiert (www.pelletierart.com)

After 7 months of planning we’ve managed to gather over 40 artists (positive and negative) with 3 DJ’s, LA food trucks, amazing spoken word artists, live bands, body painters, jewelry makers, makeup professionals and FREE HIV testing all standing UNITED to celebrate the lives of people LIVING with HIV or AIDS through art, music and spoken word. As well as educate, empower and raise awareness for HIV and AIDS in respectful environment directly in the neighborhood where it is needed the most. Raising money for an outstanding organization that is unmatched in its quality of life services it provides to people LIVING with HIV, day in and day out without fail.

A lot has changed in my life in the past three years, but my desire to educate people about HIV and AIDS, to raise awareness, empower and advocate for issues facing homeless people and those LIVING with HIV or AIDS remains the same. I will continue to fight the good fight, I will continue to raise my voice in protest and I will continue to be a voice for those who are seen, but not heard. I will continue to stand for what is right for HUMANITY because it is the right thing to do and LOVE will always transcend any community.

Heart is provided by Alexandra Kube (www.alexandrakube.com)

I speak for everyone involved with the E.N.U.F. Art Show when I say “WE STAND UNITED. We are greater than middle passage, greater than illegal immigration, greater than ignorance, greater than any statistic. We are greater than anything in our past and anything in our future. We are the descendants of Kings and Queens. We are the strategy. We are the solution. WE ARE GREATER THAN AIDS”.

FREE HIV Testing van courtesy www.aidshealth.org.

It was an unusual double bill  this past Wednesday at Buddies in Bad Times, the queer theatre HQ in downtown Toronto, on the edge of the gay village.  But here's the challenge: how to merge a panel discussion about 3MV, the Black Coalition for AIDS Prevention (Black CAP)’s flagship program for engaging young black men – and theatre? But not just any theatre – theatre featuring the testimonies of some of the program’s graduates. Did it work, you ask? It sure did. In fact the whole evening was quite wonderful.

The panel discussion, by the way, was broadcast live on the world-wide web as part of the CIHR-SRC Café Scientifique series. 

But first you need to understand what 3MV is.  The name stands for Many Men, Many Voices. It’s an intervention that’s been going three years here under Toronto Black CAP’s auspices.  Groups of fifteen or so young black men, ages 16-29, meet for three days and two nights.  The intensive work they do is designed to build community and enhance self esteem related to racial and sexual identity. In doing so, the program aims to address factors that may contribute to HIV and STI risk. So it looks at sexual health issues but from within a very broad social framework.

For the first part of evening, notable panellists included Black CAP’s David Lewis-Peart, whom I worked with on Ontario’s HIV Stigma campaign way back when. David’s description of the intervention – he has been instrumental in it from the beginning - included tidbits like how participants visit Toronto’s Hassle Free Clinic to observe a live point-of-care HIV test. Also notable was well known researcher Barry Adam who positioned this project in the context of an as-yet small group of interventions building on the resilience factor present in the gay, bi and trans men’s community, and the increasing realization that we have to support each other in order to thrive. Adam Benn and Lali Mohammed were good too, and Dr. Lance McCready was both knowledgeable and funny.

All this really served as a tasty appetizer for the main course.  Four young black men, four microphones, four music stands and a creation called Picasso’s Black Canvas.  That it is still in development - a two month old evolving script created by young playwright Antonio Cayonne and directed by Andrew Kushner – mattered not one bit.  It made for riveting, pro-quality theatre.

The  origins of the piece are intriguing.  The script of Picasso’s Black Canvas (it’s a working title, by the way) is drawn from transcripts of interviews with 3MV participants – young black men talking frankly, often humorously, about their lives. It’s a 40 minute piece right now, using a technique called “verbatim theatre”.  In other words, the spoken words, are real men’s words. As now staged – this was technically a reading, but delivered with considerable passion – the part-poetry part-prose piece is recited by the four young men on stage, sometimes in unison, sometimes individually. It’s both unique and riveting. What was remarkable about this performance though was the strength - in all senses of the word – of the four on stage.  Their rendition was confident, poised and together – all characteristics , I suspect, of the young men that emerge from the 3MV experience.

The four had been chosen from auditions.  Only one is a graduate of 3MV though; he was joined by a second young man with no previous acting experience plus two young men, experienced actors both.  Their names?  Watch these four – Samson Brown, Daniel Ellis, Tawiah M’Carthy, Thomas Olajide.

The play also is important in that it represents an unusual intersection of HIV prevention, research and drama. The drama piece reflects the partnership formed with Project Humanity, a not-for-profit that raises awareness about social issues through the arts. What am amazing extension of the work of the 3MV facilitators they have produced!

It was a memorable evening.  Huge kudos to 3MV Coordinator Sebastiao Dinguana-Sivuilu and his Black CAP fellow staffers for pulling off an almost impossible challenge, and doing it with so much class.

I have one of the lowest CD4 counts in my HIV/AIDS treatment hub here in the Philippines. I got my first ever count last February 2012 and my next count is in August 2012. Based on my results, my CD4 is only 2. Yes, TWO. Not 200, not 20. 1 + 1 = 2.

A person without HIV or any issues with his immune system has a CD4 of 500 and above. 350 below, you would have to start with antiretrovirals to help your failing immune system. A CD4 count of 200 below is technically AIDS already. So how about me? What am I with a CD4 of just TWO?

I like to think of myself as a zombie. Technically, my immune system is very low, so that I might die from an infection if I am not careful with taking care of myself. But to be honest, I am really fine and I look good. I do not have any infections, even the most common ones like oral thrush. I can walk fine. I feel great and fancy myself as a pretty cute young and agile man.

Some of the HIV-positive people I talked to, doctors and counselors say that the CD4 count is just a number. Whatever your count is, you should still be living a healthy lifestyle and make sure that you take care of yourself well. CD4 counts are just a way to measure how much our immune system is improving with the help of our antiretrovirals, proper diet and healthy lifestyle.

I am on my second month of ARV treatment. I am taking Efavirenz, Tenofovir and Lamivudine each day and I am glad that I have no side effects whatsoever. They are just like multivitamins for me. Aside from that, I really make sure I eat well. I eat a lot. I am always eating and just making myself stuffed like a summer pig.

I currently work at home so I have all the freedom to be rest anytime I want. I busy myself with surfing the web, writing, watching movies, reading and other stuff. Just like what I used to do before I got diagnosed as HIV-positive. Nothing really changed except that I can say that I am happier with life and more relaxed, thus more attractive.

I may sound vain but last year when I was ridden with infections, I really looked bad. I looked so thin, ugly and deplorable that I resembled Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I tried to kill myself because I did not want to die ugly. I got so depressed with how I looked. But then, I am thankful that I did not push through with suicide. I thought I lost hope before but then my new life started becoming in full bloom. Having a positive attitude is really one of my greatest weapons in this strange and unpredictable battle against HIV. You have all the right to feel beautiful or handsome in every way! You have all the right to feel sexy and delicious! You have all the right to feel that you are a great and unique person!

HIV should never ever bring you down! Only you can bring yourself down!  Don’t pity yourself and feel dejected because that would only make you feel bad. Never forget that you are still a wonderful human being as an HIV-positive person. No matter who you are or what you do, you are a gorgeous, special and fantastic individual and being HIV positive is just a part of you, and not what defines you.

HIV is only a disease of the body. You should not let it be the disease of your soul too!