My first concrete experience with HIV research took place in 2007. I had applied, interviewed and been selected to participate in a 2-month research and volunteer internship in the country of Namibia. The internship program that I joined had been established several years prior and had a reputation for being an incredible learning experience for those selected to participate. Undergraduate students from various faculties within the University of Toronto were selected to travel to Namibia to conduct research and volunteer within a local AIDS service organization (ASO). 

With very little applied training or education (in research methods, on HIV in a Namibian context, on community-based approaches to research), I flew overseas and landed first in Windhoek before driving eight hours north to a rural town called Ongwediva.

For the volunteer portion of my internship, I worked within an organization that provided microfinance loans and HIV education to women who were supporting orphans and/or other vulnerable children (OVC). OVC are defined as a child 18 years of age or under who has lost one or both of their parents or primary caregivers and  is in need of protection. In Namibia, more than 28% of those 18 years of age and under are classified as OVC with a shockingly high percentage of children orphaned because of HIV and AIDS. 

The first time I travelled to Namibia in 2007 (1), the national HIV prevalence rate was hovering around 15%, which is a high despite the fact that the population of the country was just under 2 million at the time. Although the country’s population isn’t large, dealing with thousands of people living with HIV in the context of a weak infrastructure is challenging. While the HIV prevalence in Namibia has shifted slightly since 2007 (the latest report shows a national prevalence rate of 13.1%), Namibia still ranks amongst the top ten worst countries globally in relation to adult HIV prevalence. I believe that the history of a consistently high HIV prevalence rate was the reason the internship program was established in Namibia. 

Outside of some readings completed prior to departure, we were not required to complete any courses or training to prepare us for the research projects we were about to undertake. On top of this, students traveling abroad were expected to create a research project that we would embark upon once we arrived in Namibia without consultation from our Namibian “partners”.

At the time, I remember feeling frustrated with these expectations; how could I be expected to develop a research project not only without the necessary training in methodologies but also without ever having been to Namibia or communicated with any of the potential organizations or ASOs that I might end up working with? 

Though I did not realize this at this time, I was operating within a colonial research structure which placed me, the undertrained, naïve, and eager (yet ignorant) undergrad, in a position of authority over the research including who would be involved and what and who would be studied. This structure positioned me as the research “expert” regardless of my inexperience both in research and in Namibia. Yet my overall academic immaturity and ignorance was irrelevant and became secondary to the incredible experience I was about to undertake. 

Critical considerations about how to ethically engage in an international research expedition were not a focal point and emphasis was placed on ensuring that the experiences of the University of Torontop (Western) students were monumental. Though I was aware that entire bodies of critical literature existed on research methodologies and approaches, HIV engagement and international work yet community-based research and ideas around the greater involvement of people living with HIV and AIDS (the GIPA Principle) failed to make an appearance in the internship program or research structure we were being churned through. 

(The Greater Involvement of People Living with HIV & AIDS (GIPA) Principle was introduced and formalized at the 1994 Paris AIDS Summit when more than 40 countries committed to “support a greater involvement of people living with HIV at all ... levels ... and to ... stimulate the creation of supportive, legal and social environments”. )

The GIPA Principle aims to ensure people living with HIV and AIDS are the backbone and key contributors to program development, policy-making and implementation and that this involvement is meaningful rather than tokenistic. This principle seeks to highlight the rights and responsibilities of those living with HIV and AIDS including the right to self-determination and the ability to play an active role in decision-making processes that impact their lives. Despite the widespread acceptance and global approval of the GIPA Principle, there is still much work to be done in order to more fully immerse this approach into various sectors including international student research on HIV and AIDS. 

While the benefits of applying the GIPA Principle are evident, there are often many challenges which stand in the way of successful implementation/involvement of people living with HIV including HIV-related stigma, inexperience with research, distrust of researchers, and that involvement in research may not be prioritized compared to other components in life (social, health, family, etc.) (2) Within the context of academic, social research, community-based (participatory) research (CBR) has emerged and solidified itself as a methodological process for conducting research in a way that positions itself in opposition to many of the more historically conventional approaches. CBR not only emphasizes the involvement and collaboration of community members at all stages of research (from project design and development to data collection and analysis to knowledge dissemination and translation) but rather understands meaningful community involvement as imperative and integral to the research process; in essence, meaningful community involvement is non-negotiable. 

Theoretically and depending on the goals and objectives of a research project, CBR represents an almost utopian approach to research which moves away from some of the more historically troubling aspects associated with some research practices. In practice however, CBR is far from perfect and – like the GIPA Principle – faces barriers in practice. The insider-outsider dilemma is often sited as a consistently challenging issue for CBR as is the general distrust that communities often/may have towards researchers. (3) 

My own university experiences with international research on HIV prevention serve as a case study to demonstrate not only the invisibility of the GIPA Principle and CBR in practice but the near complete absence of them. Many Western universities not only offer but promote student involvement in exchange or abroad programs which provide these students with infinite opportunities to expand their minds, experience different socio-cultural perspectives, increase their chances of accessing additional opportunities and importantly, aggrandize their CVs. This was my experience in both my undergraduate and graduate degrees at two academic institutions in Canada; this was also the experience of many of my university peers. 

While I felt I had learned many valuable lessons on my first excursion to Namibia during my undergraduate degree, in hindsight, it is evident that many more lessons remained unexamined. While I made the effort to think more critically about my social and global location in the work I was participating in, this critical thinking did not permeate my thought process in a way that drastically impacted my actions as I still actively chose to pursue a graduate degree which included traveling back to Namibia to conduct research. 

While I take full responsibility for my actions and choices within both my undergraduate and graduate degrees, I think it is also important to recognize that I was operating within a system which very much facilitated my goals of engaging in international work yet simultaneously did not provide adequate training in order to do this work critically, ethically or meaningfully.

As one would expect, my initial experience of travelling overseas to conduct “research” in Namibia created a slew of subsequent opportunities. Even though several years have passed since both my excursions to Namibia, I am still reaping the benefits of them via conference presentations and publications. Conversely, I doubt very much that the organizations and participants I worked with are fairing as well.

(1) I travelled to Namibia a second time in 2009-2010 to conduct my MA field research. This time, I travelled to Walvis Bay, an area in Namibia that experiences high levels of mobility via two transnational highways and the country’s only deep-water port where international boats can dock. In addition to high levels of mobility, Walvis Bay also experiences rates of HIV around 10-15% higher than the national prevalence rate (25-30%); it was for this reason that I chose to conduct my research in this town.

(2)Travers, R., Wilson, M.G., Flicker, S., Guta, A., Bereket, T., McKay, C., van der Meulen, A., Cleverly, S., Dickie, M., Globerman, J., & Rourke, S.B. (2008). The greater involvement of people living with AIDS principle: Theory versus practice in Ontario’s HIV/AIDS community-based research sector. AIDS Care. 20: 615-624. 

(3)Fockler, L.A. (2010). Community researchers’ experiences with community-based research. (Unpublished master’s thesis). McMaster University: Hamilton.

In April 2012 I wrote a piece for PositiveLite.com entitled “My Barebacking Journey”. In it I talked about how I had made the decisions not to use condoms since my college days and how this had ultimately led to my testing HIV positive in September 2011. 

A year later, I thought I’d take the opportunity to sit down and put my thoughts over how things have gone over the last 12 months.  Some things have changed dramatically, others haven’t changed at all.  I guess in some respects life is just carrying on just the same as it always has. 

Since I wrote here last, I have come out as an HIV-positive person to nearly everyone I know. Only my parents and immediate work colleagues are in the dark. I managed the “coming out” process carefully; telling a few people, gauging their response, and then telling a couple more, until the deed was done. Surprisingly, for a city of its small size, the public reaction to my condition has been overwhelmingly supportive. Not one person has reacted negatively to it, and the gossip has largely been low key. People whenever I see them, ask me how I am doing, and it has really shown me that the people I call friends really are friends, and I am honoured to have them in my life. 

In November 2012, after my viral load reached a peak of 1.7 million, and my CD4 flicked a margin above the 350 threshold, I took a week off work to start my HAART medication. I was prescribed Truvada and Sustiva, with a view once the viral load was fully suppressed to move on to Atripla.  In order to get a week off work in order to manage any side effects at such short notice, I decided to inform work. After careful consideration of the pros and cons of taking such a step, I decided that it was the right thing to do. I didn’t actually have to say it as it turned out – my manager asked me for a private word and turns out he had guessed it. I suppose a sexually active gay man, talking about having a medical condition which requires a lifetime of medication, kind of drops the hint – and he had put two and two together.  

The reaction I got from him has been fine. No issues whatsoever, and as a result of him being informed of my condition, he has allowed me time off at short notice to attend the clinic for blood tests and regular check ups – something that would have been hard for me to do had he not been aware of the situation. What is more, he has kept it to himself, and not blabbed it to all my work colleagues, so there are no issues there either. 

The question I get asked most now I have started the medication, is how is it going? What about side effects? 

Well the first couple of weeks were a mixture of horror and bizarre experiences.  I wanted to experiment with the drugs – to see how they would impact on my normal life. So I ate my usual meals, drank a few beers before taking them and all that jazz. The first time I took them with beer was like nothing on this earth. I had a couple of pints then popped my pills. Within half an hour, I had gone from merry to totally blotto. I said goodbye to my friends, and staggered home. What normally takes me 20 minutes, took me one hour to walk. I fell through my door, passed out on the sofa with the room spinning! It was as though I’d had twenty pints, not two. A very peculiar experience, it made for a cheap night though! 

Over time I got fed up with not being able to enjoy a couple of quiet beers after a 14 hour shift at work, and it came to a head just before our works Christmas dinner. I spoke to my consultant, and he informed me that I didn’t have to take them at exactly the same time each night; if I wanted to take them immediately before I went to bed, within a four or five window period each night, that would work just as well. So this is what I did, and continue to do. 

I lead life just as I always have done; the only difference is that before I go to bed, I chomp down on my HIV medication. Sure, sometimes if I’ve eaten late at night, the medication triggers some strange vivid dreams, but truth be told, I quite like them! They’re not scary, and on the whole, are very enjoyable experiences. 

More importantly, the medication is working. Within 5 months of starting my treatment, my viral load has gone from through the roof, to undetectable and my CD4 is on the rebound.  I feel more energetic that I have at any point since my diagnosis back in September 2011, and I know that provided I keep taking them, and they keep working, then there is nothing to worry about.  HIV isn’t a death sentence any more, it is a life long chronic, but manageable condition.  I think this is the most important message that we need to get out there people who are recently diagnosed, or whom are living with the virus, but not on treatment.  Especially with the continued debate over treatment as prevention – something that I am a strong advocate for.  

However life on HIV treatment isn’t all smooth. Over the months, I have noticed an alarming development. It would appear that I am losing my libido. I have a far lower interest in sex now, than I did before I started HIV treatment. It’s not that I have HIV, as even after my diagnosis I was still an exceptionally horny guy. I still get my moments, but when I look back to how I used to be, the libido has certainly waned since starting HIV treatment. This isn’t a universal issue though; friends of mine on treatment have found their libido actually increased.  It’s clearly something that I need to continue to work through with my medical team. 

So what else has the last year brought? I found myself in a relationship, something that hadn’t happened in a very long time. It was nice; we met in a bar, and things quickly moved onto more, it was during a night out together that I realised I had the dreaded disclosure to do. I plucked up the courage, and told him that I had something to tell him. As with all my friends, his reaction was great. He said that he knew the risks, he knew other people in the city who were HIV positive, and it didn’t faze him. Sadly it wasn’t to last, only a fortnight ago we broke up after three months together. He said that it wasn’t anything to do with the HIV, but as these things go, it always leaves that lingering thought in your mind. Still, such is life, we live and learn and move on. 

Over the course of the year since I last wrote for PositiveLite.com, there have been moments where I wished to the high heavens that I didn’t have this condition; I would be lying if I said otherwise. On balance however, I think that it has made me a stronger person for it. It has given me a greater appreciation of my health; I take a more active role in keeping myself healthy, I’ve cut out the junk food and eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. I drink less alcohol and more water.  As I am an out and proud HIV positive person, I also tackle stigma head on when I hear people talking rubbish in the circles that I socialise in. I strongly believe that it is only by being out and open about our statuses, can we eventually reduce stigma of the condition. If we sweep it under the carpet, or are ashamed of it, then stigma is allowed to grow and rear its ugly head. 

That’s about it really; my thoughts of living with HIV are as they have always been. It’s something that I live with, not suffer from. My journey over the last year, of coming out as an HIV-positive person has led me to meet many other people I already knew who are also in the same position, and I take strength from them, and hopefully them from me. 

You can follow Josh on twitter at @JoshLandalexxx. 

Terrence Higgins Trust, generally considered the UK's leading HIV and AIDS organization, and the largest in Europe, is promoting treatment as prevention, including for gay men, on its new “It Starts With Me” campaign.

"England", it says, “can halt HIV within a generation”.  The campaign is the largest scale by THT to date, running until Spring 2015. Read their press release here. 

Cary James, Head of Health Improvement Programmes at Terrence Higgins Trust says “While a cure or vaccine for HIV remains stubbornly out of reach, what many gay men don’t realise is that medical advances mean it is now within our community’s grasp to stop the virus in its tracks. By getting as many people with HIV as possible tested and on effective treatment, we should see new infection rates fall rapidly

Says the campaign website “We are at the start of a new era in stopping the spread of HIV. We know that the combination of regular testing, HIV treatment and condom use is the key to success.

You can be part of something that changes HIV history. You are the key to stopping HIV in your own life and in the community.”

This kind of strategy marks a transition from what was commonly called poz prevention  - a concept that essentially suggested that HIVers maintaining good sexual and emotional health were better placed to make sound decisions and in doing so, help reduce new infections – to a more direct approach which stresses the benefits of treating HIV to both improve health and reduce viral load, and thus make transmission much less likely.

The campaign makes no specific mention of when to start treatment, although treatment as prevention advocates routinely suggest the earlier the better, not only as a prevention technique, but primarily because the weight of evidence now suggests it produces better health outcomes for the HIVer.

Current UK guidelines recommend treatment for all individuals with CD4 counts below 350, but if a patient with a CD4 cell count above 350 wishes to start treatment, this decision should be respected and treatment be started.

On the issue of infectivity, gay mens' sexual health sites, in the absence of hard data relating to MSM, are currently all over the map. THT says what most experts believe, that “Someone on treatment has an extremely low risk of passing on HIV if their viral load has been undetectable for six month and they are free from sexually transmitted infections. Unlike other sites, there is thankfully no talk here about that perennial red herring, virus in the semen, which tends to be found only in “trivial” amounts according to leading researcher Myron Cohen.

Using the slogan “We Can Stop HIV” the THT campaign is also interesting for drawing on issues of community solidarity and GIPA. Not that this hasn’t been employed before, but more traditional poz prevention campaigns like HIV Stops With Me worried some critics with the perception that they sent mixed messages about personal and shared responsibility. The THT campaign seems to avoid that trap.

One "off" note: the THT website includes the “official” recommendation that all gay and bisexual men test at least once a year. It's arguable that for sexually active men with multiple partners that isn’t nearly enough. Vancouver’s Health Initiative for Men (HIM) for instance says “guys who are more at risk should test every three months.”  We concur with the latter recommendations.

In Canada, only B.C. has adopted treatment as prevention strategies  in the form of test and treat and is enjoying some success in reducing new infections as are other jurisdictions such as New York, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. The issue of the efficacy of TasP for MSM is a controversial area, though, as it has been difficult to reduce incidence in that population.  Dr Julio Montaner, the leading proponent of TasP maintains the issue is not whether TasP works in MSM but how much.

Toronto, Canada – A Tanzanian youth, with links to a Toronto-based charitable organisation, was today announced as having created the winning logo design for AIDS 2014 - the 20th International AIDS Conference – being held in Melbourne, Australia in July 2014. This follows a global competition for youth aged between 10 and 30 years old launched by the International AIDS Society. 

Yohana Haule (21) is a young artist who has been working with the organisation Africa’s Children-Africa’s Future (AC-AF) since October 2011 through their office in Dar es Salaam. AC-AF first met Yohana at his secondary school graduation. Current Executive Director, Dave Christie and founder of AC-AF, Gita Jaffe, were attending as guests of the school and another youth in their programming. Drawn to Yohana’s talent, he would become the first recipient of the AC-AF Youth Leadership Award. The award looks to strengthen the youths’ skills to develop promising talent into concrete actions that can help the youth achieve their dreams. Since then, he has become the resident artist for the organisation, producing artwork used in programming resources for children and in awareness materials currently being used in Canada.

As Christie explains, “This is an incredible achievement for a young man from Dar es Salaam who, like many youth in Tanzania, has faced many hardships to get to where he is today. When we first met Yohana, we were not only struck by his talent, but by the messages that he was portraying through his art. One of the first images he showed to us was a depiction of the roles women play in Tanzania – both in the strength they bring to the country but the burdens they also face. In Sub-Saharan Africa, the burden on women in the AIDS epidemic is particularly harsh, and here was a young man willing to confront some of those issues.”

Toronto has strong links to the International AIDS Conference having hosted the 16th conference in 2006. As a legacy to that conference, the Global AIDS Initiative was established by the City of Toronto, to fund programming concerning HIV and AIDS undertaken by organisations working in sub-Saharan Africa. For the last two years, AC-AF has been part of the coalition of organisations utilising these funds for its work in Tanzania with children and youth. As a result of the budget passed in January at City Hall, this funding will end in August 2013. Although the financial legacy of AIDS 2006 is coming to an end, the work that the City of Toronto has enabled AC-AF to undertake, including with Yohana, will ensure that the contribution of the people of Toronto will have a lasting impact on AIDS 2014.

For AC-AF, this provides a moment of pride in the accomplishments of the youth they work with. At the heart of their programmes and ethos is a continual focus on the potential of children and youth. As Christie explains, “Our programming does not look to just help children; it is aimed at ensuring children and youth help themselves, both now and in the future. They need encouragement to increase their independence, ensuring that they can support themselves, their families and their community, while fulfilling their dreams. Yohana exemplifies this. Although we are able to provide him with some of the initial opportunities, it is ultimately his effort and talent that has brought him this recognition by the International AIDS Society.”

Yohana will continue to work with AC-AF before travelling to Australia in July 2014 to be officially thanked at the conference for his design. This will be the first time that he has travelled outside of Tanzania.

For more information about Africa’s Children-Africa’s Future (AC-AF) visit: www.ac.af.com.

For more information about the AIDS 2014 conference visit: www.aids2014.org.

Every now and then I catch myself speaking or laughing and I will hear my father’s voice. And as much as I hate it, I can’t deny that I am my father’s son. From the shape of my eyes and nose to the bad varicose veins on my legs….I was definitely made of his genes. And for the past few years I have been thinking about him. Wondering where he is and what he has been doing.

Because my father is 17 years older than me, he would be of the generation that would find computers and facebook a little intimidating. Hell…I can remember when I first started working with them back in the 80’s at The Tampa Tribune. Those black screens with the space-aged green fonts seemed like something out of a movie (“War Games” to be exact). So, he would probably have shied away from ever actually using a computer to find his son. And most likely he didn’t want to find me at all.

You see, my father was a longshoreman. He wasn’t a big man. He was actually kind of thin and spry. Don’t get me wrong…he was strong, but not that big in stature. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving of 1991 at his mother’s house. By this time in my life, I had already come out to everyone in my family. I was living a gay lifestyle and working in gay bars. My father had even come to pick me up a couple times when I was stranded after a drag show at Rene’s (the popular black gay bar in Tampa). So, it was no big deal that I was in drag or had a boyfriend. He had even gone to school with a well known drag queen in town named Zara. But what happened at that Thanksgiving dinner would change our relationship forever.

My earliest memory of my father was my fifth birthday. My grandmother, Carrie, had told me that he had called and said he was going to come see me for my birthday. I remember taking a bath that afternoon. I never wanted to take a bath back then, but I wanted to look good for my father. I put on my Sunday best. I would run and go peek out the front window every time I heard a car go by. This went on for hours. I remember my grandmother making me come and eat a late lunch because he still had not arrived. Then it was getting later in the day. I had tried watching “Underdog” and a couple of other cartoons to keep myself busy until he arrived.

Finally it was after 5 PM and I decided to go wait on the porch. I remember rocking in the chair. It was really warm out and the gnats were swamping the yard. I sat there and waited all day until the sun went down. My father never showed up. This would become a long series of disappointments my father would supply throughout my life.

A few years earlier before that dinner, I was living with my gay cousin Michael and a friend, Godfrey (who went by the drag name Apollonia). Michael (who was also a drag performer named “Michelle Holiday”) had lost his job and was pretending to go to work everyday. Apollonia survived off her drag shows and her boyfriend. I was working as a DJ and drag performer. I happened to call Michael at his job at McDonald’s because my uncle Herb need him to come pick him up and was informed he no longer worked there and would I ask him to return the uniform. After confronting Michael, I told him and Godfrey that I was moving out. We were going to lose the apartment if we didn’t have the rent. Michael was unable to get another job immediately so I moved in with my friend Christie Matthews. Apparently, Michael and Godfrey went to my father and Uncle Herb and told them that I had moved out and left them with the rent.  My father and Herb gave them the rest of the rent and I guess my father started harboring ill will towards me.

Fast forward to 1991 and my father shows up to Thanksgiving dinner at his mother’s house with his current girlfriend. Grandma Sally always had a big meal at the holidays. Even my adopted gay brother Anthony Evans was invited. Now, my dad showing up with his girlfriend doesn’t sound like a problem, but his ex-wife, Teresa and the kids were there. I noticed that he had been drinking before he got there. He was very abrupt with me when he arrived. But like most dysfunctional family dinners, the main event was saved while we were eating.  My father proceeded to tell me that I had ruined his name (since I am a junior), I needed to go out and get a real job and stop hanging around all those faggots before I caught something.

Ironically, the year before I had received my diagnosis of being HIV+. I had no intention of sharing that fact with anyone in my family. I already felt like an outsider since I left home at 16. At the time when my father verbally attacked me at the dinner table, it seemed to have come out of nowhere. I was told later that he was still mad at me for moving out on Michael and Godfrey and felt that I was irresponsible. But this was laughable, coming from a man who didn’t have a permanent residence himself.  I sat and listened for about ten minutes and then I went off.

“You gotta lotta nerve! You ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of!” I said.

He gave the same look he did when he punched me in 1980 when I stopped him from beating on Teresa in their kitchen. I remember sitting on the floor after the hit and singing “We Shall Overcome” and him cursing at me. So, I guess he was about to hit me again, but my grandmother wasn’t having it. She threw him out of her house on that Thanksgiving. And that would be the last time I saw my father.

When I describe my parents, I always say that they seemed like my older brother and sister who were always in trouble. Mainly because I was raised my mother’s mother until she died in 1982. It’s funny how life can be like a stacked set of dominoes. You do one thing and it changes so many others’ lives.

My mother was the only girl out of three children. So, my grandmother kept her under lock and key. She was very strict with her and wanted her to go to school to become a teacher. But it was the 60’s and my mother had other plans. She wanted to see Jimi Hendrix live. She wanted to be a part of the Psychedelic Movement. So she got pregnant on purpose and my father was the poor victim. He really loved her and she ran off with a boyfriend shortly after having me. He didn’t know anything about raising a child. So, he took me to the one place he knew I would be safe and loved….my mother’s mother.

Unfortunately for him and all the rest of the women he came in contact with from then on, he would never truly fall in love again. He would become an abusive and womanizing man that had kids all over town.

So, on April 22^nd, 2013 I opened up my facebook account and found a message from a girl named Lakiria. It read: “Miss Teresa misses you and loves you. Please call her.” At first I was going to ignore it, but then I noticed the number had an 813 area code. That’s Tampa. So, I called it.

The joy in Teresa’s voice was so wonderful to hear. Apparently she and my brothers had been searching for me for a while. My step brother, Adrian and his girlfriend, Lakiria came across my facebook profile and decided to write me. I cannot tell you the emotions that overcame me when I started talking with Theresa, my brother Adrian, my brother Anton, my brother Anthony and my Uncle Rudolph.  They were all so glad to finally reconnect with me. It had been 21 years since I had spoken to or seen any of them.

But it was a bittersweet opening conversation with Teresa. You see, my father had died in 2006. So, I finally had my answer. The man that I had despised for all these year was gone. But of course a part of me wishes that I had worked things out or at least got to tell him that I am married now. I believe I have found my purpose in life. I have a family of friends who love me and believe in me. I have a life that I am proud of. But this conversation was reaffirming to hear.  My real family still loves me and they are proud of me. Teresa even told me that she has been walking around the house singing “Bitch You Look Fierce”. Her and Lakira are now the biggest Jade Elektra fans.

My father’s death left so many questions. I wonder if he ever got to see any of my accomplishments. Did he ever hear any of my records? Did he ever see me in a movie or on television? Did he ever know that I really understood him and why he did the things that he did? Would he have embraced me if I had told him that I was HIV+? 

Well, a part of me thinks he would have. Teresa told me that he died of AIDS.

A part of me was shocked, but not surprised. For as many women he had slept with it wasn’t surprising at all. But my Uncle Rudolph shed some more light on something else I had no idea about. My father, like my mother had started doing heavy drugs and was shooting up. And at his funeral, the family discovered that he had three daughters that we knew nothing about. And since he got around - a lot - there’s no telling how many more are out there.

To put the kids in order of age…..it would be me, Von, Jerome, Anton, Anthony. These are the brothers I knew about. We didn’t have the same mothers, but there was no denying that were Alfonso King’s children. Out of protest of not having a father around when I was growing up, I changed the spelling of my name in grade school. Then it became my professional name when I started acting and modeling.

I guess the thing that I regret the most with both my parents is that I never got to tell them that I forgave them. They were two young 17 year olds who were making the best decisions that they could at the time. They had no idea that what they did that day I was conceived would change the rest of so many lives in the aftermath. And although many have said they were horrible parents, they taught me a very valuable lesson……how not to live. I just never got the chance to tell them that I loved them regardless of the mistakes.