When it was recently suggested that I go see a naturopath a couple months ago, I shrugged it off. I’ve gone this route before and It’s been helpful and I’ve learned a lot from those visits. But in the end I’d slide back into my old ways and some of the underlying issues didn’t seem to get dealt with  - such as my lack of energy.

When I picked up this nasty bug from Italy and had to take Flagyl, a drug with warnings that it is possibly carcinogenic, at it’s maximum dosage, it felt like chemotherapy.

In the end it didn’t work and it was suggested that I go back on it again. Even after taking it, a week was needed to recover from it. There was simply no way. This was when I decided to make an appointment with someone who came highly recommended to me.

I made the appointment. The first one lasted for about an hour and a half. It sounds like a lot, but the time passed very quickly. What I liked about this particular naturopath is that he has extensive experience working with addictions and knows a lot about the 12 step programs, a lot of the issues that go with it, as well as HIV.

What we spoke about turned out to be part info-sharing, part guidance, and part counselling. looking at what’s going on in all aspects of my life, not just the physical health.

This was the first time I had this experience. When I go to my regular doctor it’s about the meds, and sometimes we talk about other stuff. The focus is really on medication and monitoring.

Because of this experience I thought I’d journal a bit about it as I go through this process. This goes without saying, yet needs it anyway: Do not follow any supplements that I do unless you check it out with a qualified naturopath or your physician. There are many potential interactions that can happen. There you go; you were warned.

One of my major issues is depression, and worse, seasonal depression. The first thing we discussed was Vitamin D. I had been taking it, but only a couple thousand milligrams a day, and cheap drug store brands. We switched that to 5000 a day via liquid drops.

Now maybe it’s placebo effect or my imagination but I started to feel a “brightness” that I haven’t felt for a long time. I was told it would take from a week to 10 days to feel a difference. If need be, I can increase it even more, but this was our starting point.

I also spoke about my tendency to isolate with my TV, and lack of structure in my life which in turns leads to anxiety as I feel like I don’t have a handle on a myriad of things I’ve taken on, but not this website.

I have started to create a small foundation of structure for the day. No matter what time I get up, I have my coffee in the living room and read the paper on my laptop. I have my breakfast, shower and take the dog out. I am now ready for work.

Before I’d wake up, grab a coffee and sit and start working. There were no boundaries to what was work time, me time, housecleaning time, relaxing time. With the exception of my weekly Shabbat (beginning Friday evening to Saturday evening) every day was almost the same as the other.

The other piece I’ve added is going to my 12-step meetings everyday, with Fridays off, and sometimes Thursday. I have my conversion class on Thursday night (another imposed structure).

Bit by bit it is coming together.

I thought I’d share what my homework is for the next two weeks. Again, this is tailored to my needs, however if you deal with some generic issues such as lack of structure etc, some of these points may apply to you.

1) Probiotic-  HMF Intensive 1 cap per day take at least 2 hours away from antibiotic.  Before bed would be best, will give the most benefit but this mean taking your antibiotic with your meals.

2)  VItamin D.  5 drops on your hand and lick it off, once a day-doesn't matter when

3) Diet diary, fill out and return to me weekly.

4) work on a daily/weekly structure for your time

5) follow up with the GP who is giving you the antibiotic for blood test-specifically CBC and Liver function tests, also get a copy of any test within the last 6 months

6) consider B12 shots

7) continue with meetings, get up off your chair every hour,

8) drink water - goal is 2 liters a day

9) Be gentle with yourself during this process- you don't have to be perfect- just make some progress.

Ten days later: still not smoking.

It’s funny, no later than a few hours into quitting smoking did I have my first smoking dream.

The antibiotics I was taking were knocking me out that Saturday, so I slept all morning. It’s easy to start the day off not smoking when you’re asleep.  But alas, as I drifted in and out of sleep, I dozed off again and  - bang  - I was right in to a dream having a cigarette.

My thoughts were, “What? I’m not supposed to be smoking. Why am I smoking?”

This is pretty common, but I didn’t expect it within hours of my first day. The power of the mind when it comes to addictions is quite something as it spills out from the subconscious.

The other night I had a couple. They are all the same. Even with drinking or drugs they are always the same. The dream starts when I’m doing it. I don’t know how I started or got to this point. It is always at the realization that I’m doing something I don’t want to be doing. These dreams are also accompanied by an internal dialogue, “Damn I’m going to have to go back and admit I had a drink and I’m going to have to move my sober date…”  Or, in the case of smoking “What am I doing?! I quit smoking why am I smoking.”

Sometimes they seem so real that I wake up feeling like it really happened. Not so much with the smoking dreams, but the partying ones make me have to take a pause when I first wake up to realize it was just a dream.

I still have the planter on my balcony that is almost filled to the brim with butts. They don’t really serve as a trigger, more as a reminder of how disgusting smoking can really be.

It feels great to be liberated from the smell and the constant Tic Tacs, wondering if I stink of smoke.

One day at the local grocery story there were two friendly women behind me in the line up. I had bought something that required a price check and the cashier left. Behind me I heard Italian, quickly turned around and said, “I just came back from Italy.”

We struck up a nice conversation as we waited. It turned out the mother, probably in her 70s, is from not far from where I was on vacation. Then suddenly she says to me, “You smoke too much. It cuts your life short like my father's.”

I could see the daughter looking very embarrassed. To be honest, I wasn’t. I was grateful to hear that message. It was as if an angel was sent down to tell me to stop smoking.

I did like the Italian “Glamour” cigarettes I was smoking. The same as the nelly little ones I smoked in Canada, but with a pretty flower on the filter. It’s enough to make you want to get cancer.

Still though, I kept on until I finally had enough. That was ten days ago.

Taking action feels good. Today I had my first appointment with a Naturopath physician who came highly recommended. We didn’t address anything about the smoking, but did discuss the winter SADS and the lack of Vitamin D.

Unrelated yes, but important nonetheless because each piece of the puzzle that comes together brings better health and well being.

If anyone is thinking of quitting smoking in Toronto, there is one resource an about which a friend I and were talking, CAMH (Centre from Addiction and Mental Health).

They have a Nicotine Dependence Clinic at their College St and Queen St. sites. However you do have to be referred by your physician. They do provide patches at a much lower cost and can help support you through the process of quitting.

Flagyl Blues: A traveller's guide to weight loss.

In my last post I shared some of the challenges I face. One message I wanted to get out is that those of us who work on Positivelite.com are just like those who come to the site. We are you and you are us.

Today I wanted to focus on some of the solutions that I'm focusing on and not just the problem. Before I get to that I wanted to thank everyone forthe very kind messages I received after letting everyone know where I was at.

A perfect storm had come together during the summer  -temporary, yet protracted illness, a treatment (Flagyl) at the maximum dosage (2250 mgs a day), straying from my foundations of dealing with life itself (12 step program) and never having recovered from having gone through a long and protracted episode of isolation (bunion surgery with three months of a cast and very limited mobility).

Now it's time to look at the gifts that are in my life. On the bright side this has turned out to be a great weight loss program. Mind you, it's not something I'd recommend.

However, there's always got to be a silver lining!

There was a time when I had joked about the "Playa Los Meurtos Diet" where you fly down to Puerto Vallarta, head down to the taco stand and grab a couple of tacos along with a tall glass of tap water. You'll come back thin and beautiful. This version is fly to Italy, wait a while, do some tests and go on a dosage of a toxic antibiotic that's enough to kill a cow. It's done wonders for my figure.

The recipe to rebuild and get out of where I had found myself is really not that complicated, yet in the moment can seem so difficult.

Isolation leads to this innate state of inertia that once settled in, takes about 1,000 times more work to get out of than it took to get there. My Oprah "ah ha" moment came this week when I was feeling so frigging horrible, I'd get up, take my Flagyl and then go back to sleep until noon. I'd repeat this with the mid-day dose and so on and so forth.

Suddenly the smallest task feels like climbing up a mountain. On Monday I fell into this space of feeling sorry for myself. Here I was feeling imprisoned in my apartment again. I cancelled my Tuesday appointment with my therapist and planned to spend the next couple of days inside.

I went for my afternoon nap and got up and thought, "the only thing worse than feeling miserable is being home alone and feeling miserable." Even though I slept all day, I forced myself to get out and get a bit to eat (I've been living on Boost for the last two weeks) and get to my 12-step meeting.

I have to say it was the last thing I wanted to do. I visibly looked unwell and didn't want to be seen looking so sickly. Certainly I couldn't be the worst looking person walking into these rooms so I got off the couch.

Attending the meeting and people with people, despite feeling so awful, did make me feel better. Afterwards I was invited out for a bite to eat. The thought of real food wasn't so great, and my immediate thought was no, I'd go home. Instead I did the opposite and went out and got a banana split. The food helped, and it was nice to be out with people.

I also uncancelled my appointment and got there, even though I did wake up only 26 mins before I was supposed to be there. With the aid of a taxi I made it. Next came the Tuesday night meeting. I forced myself up and out I went. Again being around people lifted my spirits and I had a nice walk home with a group of people who understand what it's like.

Today I'm making small goals I can attain instead of becoming overwhelmed by thinking about taking on too much, or what I should be doing. The recycling got out, little Hildy got her walk and I cleaned up the kitchen.

I'd forgotten that it is the baby steps that lead to success. Emotionally I feel better. Just knowing that I'm finishing this horrible drug today is enough to lift my spirits. It's been a week or so feeling like I had started HIV meds all over again.

So here is my recipe for getting out the slump I've been in:

1) set small and attainable goals

2) get a therapist (for me setting goals with someone else is essential to move from reflection to action)

3) Adjust antidepressants (time will tell on this one)

4) Think about the gifts in my life, write on thing for today I am grateful for.

5) re-examine and evaluate areas that give me anxiety and find solutions

6) spirituality.

In the long term, I hve to prepare for the winter and I think one of the largest issue I have to deal with is something that many who live with HIV and are on disability face; lack of structure. This is such a huge challenge and where there is opportunity, we must set goals and follow through by working with someone else.

Exercise! For someone who went to the gym 4 times a week it's hard to imagine that I don't go at all. This relates to structure and I'll be incorporating in what I envision a weekly schedule that I will develop. At this point I have no boundaries - such as when do I start working on the site? When do I make time for other holistic parts of my life, the body, mind and soul?

I know I'm being repetitive but the one thing I've really connected to this week is that feeling tired or sick home alone is far worse than feeling that way and being in the company of others. I have to push through it. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could be someone where doing such things happens without any effort. But that's not the case.