Most websites have, pardon the expression, a back end which can analyze traffic and PositiveLite.com is no exception. So it's easy for us too see what collectively you like to read.

That latter point is endlessly fascinating – at least to us – and is the subject of today’s post.  Your top ten most popular posts, based on traffic in the last six months, are a mix of the serious and the not so serious, the old and the new. I think you’ll be entertained by revisiting all ten of them.

1. Len Tooley on PreP, part one.

This was the first in an excellent three-part interview by publisher John McCullagh that featured HIV-negative prevention educator Len Tooley’s decision to regularly take anti-HIV drug Truvada as a risk reduction strategy.  This very human interview is both a great read and a primer in the pros and cons of taking PreP that answers many of the practical and emotional questions people have about it. No surprise that the article was picked up by outside news sources and translated in to several languages.

2. I’m on antivirals and undetectable. What about Safe Sex? 

Given that this article speaks to one of THE big issues of the day for many HIVers, it’s no surprise that this interview with researcher Rupert  Kaul on the impact of undetectable viral load has drawn so much attention.  Read it carefully and you’ll be ahead of the pack in understanding things like how risky is sex without condoms and what are the chances of finding dangerous levels of virus in the semen when your blood viral load is undetectable.

3. More homoerotic ads 

Readers find posts in different ways. This older one has clearly been a perennial favourite with people googling “prison shower scene video” obviously the main attraction here.  And why not – it's clever, funny and hot.  We like it because it shows our readership is not too HIV obsessed and has a sense of humour too.

4. My relationship status

Former PosiitiveLite.com writer Michael Burtch returned for this guest post and – boy – did he cause a stir! A blisteringly honest post about what he as a poz guy wants out of sex and the need for real intimacy, it divided readership down the middle. Love it or hate it, and many people did (calling Michael “psychotic” and “criminal”), this is a must read for those trying to understand the impact of undetectable viral load in the real world. 

5. Roberto Alomar – is he still playing games? 

Clearly another google hit, this almost three year old post drawing on rumours of the day just won’t go away. Who knows  - or even cares anymore - if now retired baseball player Roberto Alomar is poz? But the news continues to bubble and Alomar continues to claim he is neg, while lawsuits swirl around him contending he’s poz.  The curious can get an update on his legal battles here. 

6. Changing my mind on treatment as prevention

This quite recent heart-on-sleeve post is another one that has been picked up by several national and international  news source. As the title implies it’s a highly personal take on one of the hottest HIV issues of the day.  Perhaps why it has appealed to many though, and likely annoyed many others, is its point-by-point dissection of the various arguments against treatment as prevention and why they no longer, at least in the writer’s eyes,  look so good. Controversial stuff, this!

7. Neuropathy and HIV – a progress report

When we signed up Netherlands poz guy Dave R to write for us last year, we landed a gem. The always readable Dave serves up regular helpings of his well researched thoughts on  - well, just about anything.  But his area of true expertise is peripheral neuropathy, of which he knows well first hand.  One of the world’s leading experts on this topic, he’s highly readable to boot and this post is no exception.

8. Sex = fun? Explicit pro-pleasure videos bring "sexy back" to HIV awareness

This article came to us from a content-sharing agreement we have with TheBody.com.  It’s a fascinating look at some HIV prevention videos which go one step further than most (or maybe three). But it’s likely the words “explicit sex videos” in the title didn’t hurt in drawing in the googlers.

9. Bisexuality on the Big Bang Theory

I must admit I’ve never looked at this show in the same way since reading this post from Guelph’s Megan DePutter on ultimate nerd gal Amy’s  sexual and entirely unreturned attraction to Penny. There are few if any other bisexual characters on TV and the fact that this is played out on prime time so blatantly warms our hearts.  Plus of course, the show is hilarious. Thanks, Megan, for this.

10. Len Tooley on PrEp, part three

See 1. Above. Readers clearly coudn’t get enough of Len’s wonderfully honesty and insightful words. If you haven't read this, or parts one and two, you are missing out on being up to speed on perhaps the next big thing in HIV prevention. And understanding how people can make a difference to our perceptions by sharing their stories. 

Whether it’s the miserable weather in Philadelphia right now or it’s the fact that I feel like I’m rapidly approaching that point in my life where I’m about to become a solidly single adult man without any prospect of getting married “young,” I am in a contemplative mood about my own sexuality, romantic attachments (or lack thereof), and my own mortality. Certainly, I recognize that this might sound histrionic or hysterical; after all, by all estimates, I have a solid forty years ahead of me at least as a talking primate. Notwithstanding, as each day passes, this biological alarm sounds louder and louder in my head. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you find someone? Why do you keep just having sex with strangers? Why do you act like this is fun when, really, you’re constantly alone even when you’re in a room full of people? What is wrong with you (again)? 

Recently, I went on a few dates with a, in my eyes, beautiful man with perfect teeth and an ethics system in line with Immanuel Kant. We talked for hours about our positions on public policy, about our education, about our families. And, I was incredibly attracted to him; after all, although he was a few years younger than I am, a fact that goes against my typical dating behavior, he was charming. In particular, he seemed to stay in constant motion much like I try to do. We sat in the cafe that I’ve been coming to for over a decade, a business that I’ve seen shutter its doors twice before settling, seemingly, on the right formula in its current state. In fact, I remember coming here as a young gay teenager, shaking like a leaf as I walked around Philadelphia’s Gayborhood, nervously looking for other people like me.

At last, when I found this place in 2001, a cafe where I felt safe, the clientele was seemingly gay, and I was comfortable enough to look at other men I found attractive while still being able to stay away in my own aloofness, I planted in that place. Over a decade later, I sat there with this man and every part of me wanted simply to hold his hand and to convey that things were going to be alright; that the stress he was talking about was something that he would soon get over, that he deserved to be happy, and that he simply had to be open to happiness in order to be happy.

At that moment, I realized that I was trying to talk to myself from years ago; that the selfish way I had sexualized this man and developed feelings for him was really part of myself kicking and screaming in furious idiocy against the mistakes that I have made in my own life. I was, seemingly, begging for another chance, pleading with fate, time, or god himself to allow me to save myself one last time.

“Please, have mercy, understand that I really mean it this time, please just let me try this again,” were the words I meant to say when I was trying to be engaging, interested, and aware of my date. Of course, in life, there exist no real second chances; we have no ability to have a gimme, a do-over, or a revision. Instead, we have to build upon the scar tissue that we inflict on ourselves, either in our heads or in our hearts. More specifically, we cannot erase these wounds or somehow wipe them away completely; rather, we must work around them or build, clumsily, on top of them, layering ourselves with experience after experience, painful circumstance after painful circumstance, joyous laugh after joyous laugh. Truly, there exists no do-over, and while there are things I painfully wish I could regret, I cannot, for without these circumstances, I would not be feeling these things as I do now.

“Our sexuality builds on itself; it is not just the same thing over and over,” said Conner Habib, the brilliantly self-aware and analytical gay porn star I saw speak yesterday at an event sponsored by Philadelphia’s Gay and Lesbian Latino AIDS Education Initiative at the William Way LGBT Community Center. And, like my sexuality, my identity is not the same thing over and over; instead, it keeps building on top of itself. Like sitting with that young man in the cafe, I sat at the William Way LGBT Community Center surrounded by my past. In particular, I sat next to the bathroom that I raised the necessary funds to build before I lost my job for my drunkenness and past active alcoholism, a “secret” that critics of mine routinely gossip about or snipe about, typically drunkenly or bitterly, to themselves.

Throughout the sex-positive seminar, Habib talked about the importance of, for communication’s sake, taking the physical off the table entirely and, instead, focusing on our growth as sexual beings, what sexuality looks like in our minds and in our hearts. And, I talked with a few people near me during a breakout session about how our sexuality has developed, and how, personally, my own is now outwardly boring compared to my past sexuality.

More specifically, I realized that young man that I once was, the one who went overboard in relation sex, drugs, and alcohol in order to stay in constant motion, is not dead as I let myself to believe. Instead, he is simply the scar tissue upon which I’ve become a “grown up.” And, upon this foundation full of very interesting stories, some emotionally devastating, others life-affirming, and still others hilariously slapstick, I navigate the world as a sexually active gay man, coming into contact with my past every single day, letting these memories wash over me, sometimes allowing them to churn for a moment and dissipate swiftly or, like today, letting them bubble quietly and constantly.

And, while these wounds are no longer open, they have scarred my identity to a point where I must build upon them or no longer advance personally as a man. Indeed, as I get older everyday, I confront the stubborn reality that there really is no “around” but instead there are plenty of “throughs.” Whether or not others recognize this about themselves is a whole other matter altogether; at the end of the day, though, one thing is obvious.

I have no other option than moving forward, both sexually and emotionally.

This article originally appeared in Josh’s own blog here.  

All of us have stories from our lives:  some we love to tell, and some we dread having told.  My ex from the 90s enjoyed recounting my being loaded into a powerboat for a medevac operation from a cruise ship....and nearly being dropped in the ocean!  Even in my late thirties my grandmother told my then-partner of five year-old of me vacationing in rural Oklahoma and winding up with a tick attached to the tip of my penis...maybe that’s why I never wanted a woman to handle Mr. Happy again?! 

Told by others, our most delicate stories can feel humiliating; but when we tell them, they can be a source of empowerment and authority.  More importantly, though, our stories expose the breadth of our humanity and draw us closer to one another, allowing both the storyteller and the receiver to see themselves reflected in one another.  I learned that in the early 1980s when advocating for “Gay and Lesbian inclusion,” when equality seemed a pipe dream and Bisexual and Transgender folks were not yet welcome in the movement; and it remains true today. 

I was privileged recently to join in a group storytelling session at The University of Maryland that reinforced for me the importance and power of my story as it pertains to HIV, as well as the ability to see in retrospect how over 30 years of loss, love, pain, and renewal can benefit others when it’s shared. As a “non-traditional student” (read “old enough to be the parent of many classmates”) I was welcomed on-stage with other graduate students and even more undergraduates for “The Queer Monologues,” a verbal celebration of the many other identities worn by members of our rainbow-hued Alphabet Soup communities.  Amid Catholic allies, Lesbian athletes, Filipino queers, and a dozen other LGBT young adults, there I was: chronologically-empowered, rather old-school Gay with a Leather daddy look, and openly living with HIV. 

Applause was great, but nothing could speak to me like Q&A with the audience or one-on-one conversations afterwards.  

Seriously?!?!  Over and over, students ages 18 to 25 from across the Kinsey Scale said that they had never heard more than sound clips from a person living with HIV, much less had the opportunity to dialogue with one.  They understood cognitively the losses incurred due to HIV in the 80s and 90s, and a few had recently connected with the rage and mass fight for survival seen in films like “How to Survive a Plague.”  Still, the psychological toll of enduring high rates of HIV mortality and the pressures of rejection and discrimination based on serostatus had not been laid bare for them before by a living, breathing exemplar before; and they were thankful, at least in the moment, for being awakened.  

One young man asked in front of dozens of others for help in confronting the fear of being in a serodiscordant intimate relationship with an HIV-positive guy with whom he had great chemistry.  I reflected on the Bad Old Days when we either assumed everyone had “it” and suited up accordingly or ran away, or we figured we were going to get “it” anyway and cast caution to the wind.  

I offered that science has changed life dramatically for HIVers and their HIV-negative partners in the 25 years since AZT rolled out, but that the biggest hurdles in such relationships remain under human control:  Do you understand how to protect one another and be responsible for your selves, without anyone feeling like a china doll?  Do you understand that you’ll face a lot of negativity, as a couple and as individuals, but that you’re not the first to do down this road and will be able to find support when you need it?  Do you realize what a great story you’ll have to share?

This article from This Positive Life by Warren Tong first appeared on TheBody.com here.

How did you find your HIV physician?

The vaccine program that I've been talking about at Vanderbilt, they're really connected with Nashville CARES. As a small business owner, I'd really supported all the events that the organization does every year; I've always been involved in that. I didn't ever think that I'd be a client.

I went over there, and they gave me a list of people; and then I just called around. And I found a doctor. It's been amazing. I think that the physician is kind, is warm, and is also very knowledgeable.

Little things: They said that there's more studies going on about just the neuroscience kind of stuff that goes on with your brain right after you get HIV. I remember during that amount of time, through January and half of February, that there were times I couldn't even remember conversations that I just had. And so there was a short-term memory kind of loss. My physician was able to talk to me about that. Because that's an area where more research is being done. She's always traveling to these conferences, and that sort of thing.

It's been awesome. I have a fantastic doctor! She's understanding, patient, informative, motivating and the best choice for me for treatment. At one of the visits -- you know, when I got to 550 -- I was really aching to discuss treatment. Based on the current numbers, I have made the personal decision not to begin medication -- however, I am also involved in a couple clinical trials that allow me to have access monthly to my viral load and CD4 numbers. Based on this participation and the volume of real-time numbers, I am comfortable making the decision to choose a path that is right for me.

But my hope is that they come out with like a once-a-week kind of pill at some point, because I'm absolutely terrible, even about taking a multivitamin every day. So I've been trying to do better. My physician has given me an exercise, to try to take a multivitamin every day at the same time. She's trying to prep me for when I have to start taking meds. But I'm just hoping that the longer that we wait, as long as my health is OK, or stable, that something new will come out.

How do you think you'll deal with adherence, once you do start treatment?

One thing that I have been real honest about, with all my physicians, is that I am a drinker. I like to have drinks when I go out a couple times a week. I've always been nervous that if I'm supposed to take a pill at 11 and I'm out till 3, whether I'm going to remember when I get home, or when that has to happen. I know there's tons of different little options, and different ways to do it.

But it's just going to be a commitment, once I'm at a position where I need to take medication. I've always been like that. I've never wanted to take any kind of medicine unless I just absolutely had to. But once I'm at that point that I'm going to have to, then it's just going to be a change of priorities. Then I'm just going to make it happen. So I'll probably use every one of those tools.

What do you do to keep healthy?

I eat healthy. I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. I've really cut back those. I'm not like a Nazi about it, where I won't ever have a cigarette. I'll have one if I'm out with somebody. But that was really an important discussion with my physician -- that I needed to quit smoking. So that was something that I did. And we discussed openly about me and my drinking. Then they were looking at my blood, and my liver, and making sure everything with that is fine.  

Also, knowing when to say no. If I'm tired -- and there were times that, within that six-month period, I was just kind of tired, and worn out from life. Before I was infected, I would just keep going and keep going. I wouldn't really take care of myself in that way. Now I've really learned how to say no. So if I can't do something, or if I just don't feel like it, for whatever reason, then it's a no.

I know everyone says exercising is important. But I'm not someone that is ever going to go to a gym; it's just always awkward for me to go to a gym. So I'll run. Or it's little things. Like, I live on the fifth floor of my condo, and so I don't take the elevator. I do the stairs.

I don't know if that answers your question. But there's no magic thing, I guess. That's what I'm doing. And I feel good. So . . .

That's good. Little tips here and there always help.

Well, I also think that a lot of what I've gone through is mental, you know? I decided how I was going to attack this disease. I decided how I was going to tell people. And I did it on my terms. Little things used to really bother me. I'm one of those people where everything can bother me. But since January 2012 I just don't let that stuff bother me, you know? If I can't change it then I can't worry about it. So I think that's part of it, too.

I've stayed really connected with things that really encourage me. I love Steve Jobs, so I was reading his book and his quotes. Getting involved with other people online through social media, just talking to them or checking up on them, and that sort of thing -- kind of investing, virtually through the Internet, in some other people's lives, to just check up on them and see how they're doing. It kind of took the focus a little bit off me and made it more about, you know, this is a crusade for everyone that is going through this.

A large part of the reason why I feel I'm doing OK is the way that I just decided to think about things and be positive. I've always laughed when everybody says, "Stay positive," because I'm always, like "Well, I am positive." But now I just said it!

Let's talk about your work. What kind of work do you do?

I'm a talent agent. I own a talent agency in Nashville. I deal with actors and hosts, children and their parents, for television, film, commercials, music videos, print jobs, that kind of thing.

How did you become involved in HIV? You mentioned doing prevention work before your diagnosis. How did you become involved in HIV activism?

Someone doing outreach about the HIV vaccine program approached me at an event at a bar. I really wanted to do it. Before that, there was a well-known female impersonator in town that passed away, and her name was Bianca. Mark Middleton was his name, and the personality was Bianca.

But she was HIV-positive and she was very, very vocal about prevention and the disease. When she passed away, I got my company involved with her memorial. Doing that really got me connected with people that were very sincere and honest and hardworking, when it came to activism and awareness. That's kind of how it started.

And then at one of those events, I saw information about the vaccine study. They said that they needed HIV-negative people that had sex with guys. And in my way, I was thinking, oh, this is so fantastic. This is my way to give back. So I got involved with the study.

From there I started doing some outreaches with them, looking for other volunteers. But I'm actually really glad that I got involved with the vaccine. I want to say this, because some people may wonder: With the HIV vaccine being studied, obviously, it's not a live virus. There's zero chance to get HIV from the vaccine. The way that I got HIV, even though I was in the vaccine study, was because I was exposed to it.

But once I got involved with that, and then Nashville CARES, and helping them raise funds and that sort of thing, I really fell in love with it. Whether people think that it's God or another power or whatever, I really think that it was orchestrated at the right time. Because I really got passionate about it at the same time that it happened to me.

I'd thought I was invincible. Other people have told me that, specifically: "Josh, we never thought this would happen to you. If it can happen to you, then it can happen to me." And that's kind of been their attitude -- which was surprising at first. But when I sat back and thought about it, it's absolutely true. I felt invincible. And so all of that year that I was involved in prevention and activism and that kind of stuff, it really prepared me to be able to tell my story and, now, raise money.

The last couple months I've been involved with some amazing fundraising people. And I'm proud. We've raised a lot of money in the past couple months for Nashville CARES.

Do you ever get sick of thinking or talking about HIV, or do you think you will?

I think I did. I went through a month in the beginning, to be honest, where every week I was doing something related to HIV or awareness or a doctor's office or something. And so in May of last year I kind of got a little tired. And so I just kind of stepped back a little bit. I didn't post any blog, and kind of stayed off Twitter, and even my Facebook.

Now, looking back at that, it was fine for me. It was a little selfish, I guess. What I'm doing is -- and what we're talking about, all of us -- is so much bigger than any individual person or any of our individual stories. We've just got to keep going and keep talking about it. Because the more we talk about it, the easier it becomes to be talked about.

What do you think are the biggest issues that need fixing in HIV today?

One, I think that HIV is not a "one disease fits all." I think there are regional things to think about. I think that people that live out West, in San Francisco, potentially deal with different issues than someone with HIV in Tennessee. I think that that needs to be approached.

After the pastor wrote me that unpleasant email, it really started making me think, why in the South are we having an epidemic, but we also have the highest number of churches? So there's a tremendous opportunity that is being missed in churches with a captive crowd, if you say, to talk about HIV or STDs [sexually transmitted diseases], or any of that. Some churches are against contraceptives or prevention, I guess. My church that I grew up in wasn't. They were OK with birth control and condoms. But they never talked about sex or disease, or any of that.

And so I think the first thing is to look regionally, maybe, at potential issues. And that's what I've been kind of looking at. I can't speak for anyone else in the country, except, you know, Nashville, or the South, really. Here, the stigma is very strong, still. And I was nervous about that.  

Because we're not talking about it enough, in my opinion, in the South -- HIV and prevention and even early on in schools, besides mixed in with every other STD that you can get -- what I think that it's doing is that it's making it harder to talk about later. When I was growing up, I don't really ever remember talking about HIV or STDs, beyond the one day in health class.

And the way to combat stigma: I was sitting in a group therapy, right after I was infected. Maybe I was a little bit green, and maybe the gentlemen that were in there who have had HIV for years, maybe they were a little bit jaded. But in that group therapy that I was in we talked about stigma. And they kept bringing up stigma, that it's so terrible and hard.

And then I just asked a simple question, but it really was a little bit of an epiphany to me before I released my blog. They said the stigma was so bad. And so my follow-up was, well, what have you guys done to combat it? What have you done to fix it? And almost everyone in the room said that they hadn't told anyone that they had HIV. Again, understand some people -- maybe a majority of people -- can't disclose it. I get it. With me, I could.

What was just an epiphany to me: The only way to attack stigma is to talk about HIV, and to talk about it in its face, and show that it's OK. And so those two things, the regional thing and really just keep on talking about HIV, because by doing that, it will become a little more accepted -- not accepted that you want to get it, or that it's OK that people have HIV, but that it's not a death sentence, and that we're not the scum of the earth because we have HIV.

Could you compare how you felt about having HIV when you were first diagnosed, as opposed to now? How has it changed?

I think it has changed. Right after I found out, I was very scared of what people would think. I knew that it wasn't a death sentence and that I would get on the medicine and that though my life expectancy may be shorter than if I was negative, that I would live a long, great life. But I was scared about if someone would love me, and I was scared about what people would say about me.

Right after that, I made a decision that if someone wouldn't love me romantically because of that, that I was OK with that. And I really meant that. I would rather talk about it, about this disease, and attack the stigma, than worry if someone is going to love me, or want to be with me the rest of my life. Because I will be fine.

But coming now, several months later, I respect and I understand the disease a lot more. So my attitude toward that has changed. The thoughts that have started going through my mind now are, you know, disclosure. Why is disclosing or not a criminal act? My mind has just started going down that road. It's not something that I'm going to focus on, but it's just starting to get into the sub-issues; after you get over the big issue of having HIV, it's just how to live with it, you know? Knowing when or not to disclose, or why people choose not to.

But I'm not scared for my life like I was right after I found out that I was positive.

How do you think having HIV has changed you?

It has made relationships that I have with people, in general, more important. It's humbled me tremendously. I mean, I was a cocky bastard. Last year and before that, I was a talent agent and was cocky, and cared less about people and more about myself. This disease really humbled me. I couldn't think of anything worse than contracting HIV, before I contracted it. That was the worst thing in my mind that could happen to me, as a gay man. And then when it happened, it was very humbling.

It was humbling to know that I had to reach out to people to help me, that I needed to go to a therapist and that I needed some of those services that Nashville CARES has provided, that I have supported for years but never thought I would use. So it was humbling, in that aspect.

The other thing is that -- and I don't know if you've heard this before, or what -- but after I found out that I was HIV positive, it made my life a lot richer. Things that don't matter do not matter. Little things don't make me go crazy like they used to. Relationships mean the world to me. My family: It got me even closer to them. So in a weird way it kind of refocused my life into being better.

It's really hard to explain and put that to words, but my life is totally different, in the way that I look at people and relationships; and how I even look at myself is a lot different. I mean, it took a while for me to really be OK with looking at myself in the mirror right after I found out that I was positive. I'm OK with that now. And I feel good about myself. 

What advice would you give to someone else who has just found out they are positive?

If they just found out that they're positive: One, that they are the exact same person they were the hour, the day, the year before they found out that they were positive. That they are still them. Now they just have something that is going to make them choose relationships more carefully and, really, how things are going to be valued.

The one suggestion that I would give is find at least one person that you feel that you can trust, and tell them. Don't try to do this by yourself. Whether it's a therapist, or somebody that truly loves you in this moment. Try to find at least one person to tell that you're positive.

Get online, create an anonymous Twitter account, and find other people like me that are able to talk about it, that you can communicate with, and that it's safe. If you email me anonymously then I'm going to respond. And I won't know who you are but you at least start that chat.

Read TheBody.com. Gosh, I've spent hours on the website. Learn as much as you can about HIV.

But the main thing is that you're still you and that the way that you think about yourself is as important as getting treatment for the disease.

Do you have any closing thoughts, or any takeaway messages you want to relay?

Yeah. First, thank you so much for asking me to just chat with you. Everyone knows their own personal story of the moment they found out that they were positive; and maybe they even have stories like mine, where they know the person that infected them, or that exposed them.

But what you guys are doing is simply amazing. And I know that the three weeks when I was not sure if I was positive or not, I did more research than I'd ever done about HIV. And it's websites like you guys' that I came to, and that I learned the information. And I heard other stories, and I was reading about people. And so, thank you. You know? You helped me tons.

That makes me feel very proud. Thank you for the kind words!

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Check out Josh's blog at imstilljosh.com!

I am tired all the time.

I thought that I would be back to my normal self, now that I know I have severe asthma. I make sure to take my inhaler twice a day every day and .fifteen minutes before any physical activity  I’ve noticed my breathing is much better. 

I thought maybe I was tired because I was getting used to being back at work full time after my medical leave. I have been back full time for a few weeks now and I am still tired all the time. I get home from work and always need to take a nap. Last night I fell asleep at 5 pm, woke up at 10:30 pm, ate and fell back asleep around midnight or one. 

The last year I have been to so many doctors appointments and to the hospital so many times I don’t want to go anymore. I am frustrated, I still get numbness on the side of my face, and my hands still seize up on me for no reason. I guess I am just destined to be tired all the time. 

Maybe it’s the HIV? But then again, my CD4 cells are at their highest, my last test they were around 840 I believe. When I was first diagnosed three years ago, they were 450. Sigh, I don’t know, hopefully one day I will figure it out. 

I do think some of the being tired comes from being stressed out at work. A couple of weeks ago, my co-worker that worked in the Accounts Payable mailroom with me was fired for no showing. They aren’t replacing her,  so now it’s just me, so everyday is extremely busy. Also they have been doing layoffs across the company, so everyday I am anxious I might be laid off. But even before the lay offs and my co-worker being fired I was still always so tired. If I do get let go I won’t be leaving with out my Tassimo! I joked with my co-worker if I get laid off, I will setup my Tassimo in the parking lot and start my own coffee business. I will undersell the cafeteria haha. The coffee in the cafeteria is horrific. 

I’ve been continuing to go to yoga. I love it; it’s such a great class. The yoga instructor is great, very engaging, and it’s always a great workout. (You know it’s been a good workout when you go to get up off the toilet and your legs tremble.) I have been going to yoga for about a month now, and I noticed I am slowly starting to get better and stronger. I was doing a headstand and was actually able to come off the wall and hold it for about ten seconds. Then I pretended to crash into my friend and gave her a heart attack. (I’m so evil.) The other day I was flat ironing my hair – that’s right I flat iron my hair! My arms were in the air and all of a sudden my bicep popped up. I was like ooh hello Mr. Bicep where did you come from, you sexy beast. Thank you yoga! Now if I could just eat healthy all the time. Damn you Dairy Queen, I love your chicken strips and onion rings! Yummy in my tummy! 

In other news, I am going to California for vacation.  I leave on April 29^th, we are going for eight nights! I am so excited! I haven’t been on a real vacation in a few years. In 2009 my friends and I went to Laguna Beach and L.A. The first night in Laguna Beach we were so excited we ate chips for dinner and drank way too much. I was so drunk, I kept going around saying “I’m soooooo happy, I’m soooo content right now.” Then I fell down the stairs and laughed because I was bleeding. I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. I wanted to die. But then I felt better by dinner and started drinking again – sorry liver! Hopefully I have learnt my lesson and will remember to eat a hearty meal this time. We are going to Palm Springs for four nights, Laguna Beach for two nights and then L.A for two nights.  Californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa here I come!

Editor's note: Fatigue is not uncommon amongst people living with HIV. The causes can be difficult to pin down. But this article form CATIE is a good starting place.

Vaccine Alert issued by Toronto Public Health.

Invasive Meningococcal C Outbreak among Men Who Have Sex with Men (MSM) in New York City: Recommendations for Travel

April 18, 2013: An ongoing outbreak of invasive meningococcal disease serogroup C has been occurring among men who have sex with men in New York City. Since 2010, there have been 22 cases reported: one in 2010, four in 2011, 13 in 2012 and four in 2013. Seven men have died, including three of the last five cases. The age range of cases is 21 to 59 years, and 50% have been Black, 27% White, and 18% Hispanic (any race). Twelve cases were HIV-infected, of which five have died. Cases of meningitis have also been reported in MSM in California.

The New York City Department of Health is recommending meningococcal vaccine to the following New York City residents:

• All HIV-infected MSM
• MSM, regardless of HIV status, who regularly have close or intimate contact with other men met either through an online website, digital application (“app”), or at a bar or party 

The Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC) is not aware of any cases among Canadians related to this outbreak. Toronto Public Health has also not seen any cases related to this outbreak. Please call Toronto Public Health if you think you have a suspect or confirmed case of meningococcal disease to TPH's surveillance unit at 416-392-7411 during work hours (8:30am to 4:30pm, Monday to Friday) or at 3-1-1 after hours.

The National Advisory Committee on Immunization (NACI) recommends use of the quadrivalent meningococcal conjugate vaccine (Men ACYW-135 – Menactra or Menveo) to travelers where the risk of meningococcal transmission is high. NACI also says vaccination should be considered for individuals with HIV.

Toronto Public Health recommends physicians offer meningococcal conjugate ACYW-135 vaccine to MSM who are planning to travel to New York City and who are either HIV-infected or who may have close or intimate contact with other men met either through an online website, digital application (“app”), or at a bar or party in New York City. Note that this vaccine is not publicly funded for this group.

More information:

Toronto Public Health Immunization Information Centre:

416-392-1250 or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

New York City Department of Health alerts. 

Canadian Immunization Guide on meningococcal vaccines.