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Wayne Bristow

Wayne Bristow

I'm a poz guy, just starting my tenth year living with HIV. I've been blogging here at PositiveLite.com since March 20th, 2011. I volunteer at two AIDS Service Organizations in my area, ACG (AIDS Committee of Guelph/Wellington) and ACCKWA (AIDS Committee of Cambridge Kitchener Waterloo and Area). I've also been blogging for ACG since November 2010. I am a self-taught social media junkie doing facebook and twitter. I'm a great retweeter. I was recently hired by the OHTN (Ontario HIV Treatment Network) as a Peer Research Assistant. In my spare time I am a hobby photographer; some of my photos show up in my blog. 

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Oct16

Online dating & relationships – the story continues, apparently

Thursday, 16 October 2014 Written by // Wayne Bristow - Positive Life Categories // Dating, Gay Men, Lifestyle, Living with HIV, Opinion Pieces, Population Specific , Sex and Sexuality , Wayne Bristow

When it comes to online dating, Wayne Bristow has a little advice - be careful how you sell yourself, you might just have to prove you measure up

Online dating & relationships – the story continues, apparently

If you’ve been following my blogs you’ll know I have written a few times about online dating. This time it’s a different angle on the topic but some things never change.

Now there is online dating on Facebook. Seriously, anyone can start up a private page to converse with other people who are into cooking, photography - or hairy bears. Some pages are all-out hook-up and date pages. You have to ask to be added, then you wait; in most cases you get accepted right away.

I found one for people who are HIV positive and I got accepted right away. I did a quick view of it and answered the welcome they sent me. Soon I began getting a message when new members were added and it showed some information including a photo of them.

It's been about three months, but not one person has messaged me and said, “hey, I like your photo” or even hello. If you are young and cute, of course, the thread of comments goes on and on.

One good thing about these pages is  the photos appears to be current. I have been on some other sites and guys I have known from other online sites 15 years ago are still using the same photo.

So today I saw a thread start up and it came with a question to the members.

“Would you ever break up with somebody because of the size of their cock or because the sex was bad, even if everything else about them you like?”

I hate when people post these comments, with half a message and you have to guess the rest. You just know it’s going to be a drama scene. In this case, I was really curious so I waited to see where the conversation would go before I chimed in. Most people were saying they wouldn’t break up and nothing more.

"I mentioned how I’ve noticed, nobody wants to talk anymore, they just jump in the sack and then complain later that it wasn’t any good." 

I couldn’t wait any longer, so I said “you obviously liked everything else about the guy” and that was the key part of the relationship, but the sex can be worked on by both if they are willing to and really are attracted to each other. I suggested that he could talk to the guy and explain his needs. I mentioned how I’ve noticed, nobody wants to talk anymore, they just jump in the sack and then complain later that it wasn’t any good.

Later the writer commented that he had known the person “online” only for just over a year. I’m thinking, how do you not talk about this stuff at least once in that time period. I’ve chatted with people who sent nudes/chest/dick pics after a couple of days.

Soon the conversation went off in so many directions and it triggered some to go off whining about how they can’t meet anyone. I saw the exit door on the whole situation but I still had a few parting words.

“This should be a warning sign to all of us, be careful how you sell yourself; one day you will have to prove it. You wouldn't buy a car until you've taken it for a test drive.

Then ask yourself why are you not meeting people closer to you, why are most of the people messaging you from hundreds of miles away? Why aren't they looking closer to home? Guys need to talk more and be honest. This is a site for people wanting a long term relationship and it takes more than good sex to keep one going. The person asking the question has told only his side of the story, was the other guys dick too small, too big, was it ugly, what???” Then there is the fact it was the other guy’s fault, not his."

And of course I had to include something about being HIV-positive and being on medication. I’ve only heard this, because I have no experience in this area, but many newly diagnosed people and/or younger people claim to be having great sex, when they can get it. But there are some of us that are older or long term survivors that have been on medications for many years, the old libido can slow the body down and sexual performance may not be what it once was.

Another thing to watch for is E.D. (erectile dysfunction), it can become a factor because of interactions with our medications, and there is no set age when it can happen. There is help for E.D. but consult a doctor; there are restrictions.

Info on the subject can be found at:

In Canada:  www.catie.ca

In the U.S.:  www.thebody.com

One thing I think I got out of following that thread is that I saw myself in nearly every one of those guys. One guy has been single for seven years and another for 15 years and they think the same way I have been thinking. Namely, worrying about what others think of me and having friends tell me I can do better, or I know I’m the right guy for a relationship. But I just don’t look like someone’s ideal trophy boy.

" I’m a walking, talking contradiction of who I thought I was."

 

While reading the comments I was able to see their and my own negativity that keeps me in the single ranks. As positive as I think I am, there is definitely a negative side I had refused to see. I’m a walking, talking contradiction of who I thought I was.

I won’t be seeking to meet anyone on that Facebook page, it’s not for me. There are too many people who are stuck like I was and I say ‘was’ because I hope I’ve moved forward.

Another thing I learned from that thread was that at least 90% of the members commenting in it don’t have a clue as to what a relationship is. It’s more than a steady fuck. It’s not a 50/50 thing, it’s contributing one hundred percent and it has nothing to do with dick size! Guys need to talk to each other and be honest.

No matter the age you start your relationship, things will change, our bodies will go through changes. Sex probably won’t be there in the end but your partner will, and it may happen to you before him. There are other things you can do or share with each other.

I recently went on a dating site that I had been on before. When I was on before, I put my HIV status in my profile but I didn’t get many people wanting to meet me. The messages I did get were because the person never read my profile, just looking at the pretty pictures, so that part of online dating will never change. This time I didn’t put HIV-positive in my profile and I have had over 70 views but I got to chat with only a few of them. Two guys who were negative said they didn’t have a problem with my status but it appears they have problems in other areas, theirs – not mine. They didn’t keep it up……the conversation, I mean.

What I do now is to be honest, disclose before meeting in person and negotiate any other deal breakers early. I always add that I don’t know what their knowledge is of HIV, but that it has changed over the years and there are places to go to get information. In closing I tell them that the only precautions they need to take are the same as the ones they use with everyone else and I finish it off with, “you are taking precautions…..right?”

Anyway, things appear to be better this time out on the online dating scene, maybe one day I’ll have a better story to tell.

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