It is too darn hot to even try. Here’s a picture for you: In weather like this, all I want to do is lay on my couch in my underwear with my air conditioner on high with an industrial strength fan directed at my ass, while watching bad romantic comedies from the 80s. So needless to say, dating is far, FAR from my to-do list.
This is not to say that I haven’t had the occasional ‘fling’. I mean, we all know this boys got some needs! Even so, there has been nothing of interest to report. I even had my very first trip to Fire Island. The beach was gorgeous and the boys were hot. But lets just say that once they opened their mouths I no longer found them attractive. I was surprised when my Fire Island day trip turned into an over night jaunt, but even so, there was still nothing of interest to report. Seriously.
I’m not sure if I had given up on dating or if it was just too hot to try, but finally after two months of being one-with-my-couch, I slapped myself, got my ass off the couch and get decided to get back out there!
"They both were completely fine with me being positive . ."
As fate would have it, I landed two first dates in the same weekend. One with Miguel, a college professor from Barcelona. The other was with Dayton, a quick-witted writer who won me over with his sarcasm. I met both of these new prospects on Manhunt, so initially I was unsure of their intentions and quickly disclosed my status. They both were completely fine with me being positive; Dayton was also positive. So everything was set and I was ready for my dates… and whatever else might happen.
I met Miguel for dinner on Saturday night at a small Brazilian bistro in SoHo. He was incredibly handsome and his accent had a certain sex appeal. Unfortunately, there were just no sparks. We had a nice dinner and fairly decent conversation, but that was about it. After dinner, I quickly said goodbye and sent myself home to get rested for my Sunday afternoon date with Dayton.
Dayton and I met for margaritas at a trendy bar in Chelsea on that Sunday afternoon. We chatted for hours and we threw back quite a few margaritas. He was funny, charming and mildly attractive. Dayton then asked me to his apartment and I said yes. I am blaming this on the margaritas.
"If you are trying to get in my pants, don’t tell me I have a deadly disease; It just doesn’t put me in the right state of mind."
We sat on his couch and started talking. We talked about us both being positive. This is where the first of various disappointments started. He kept on referring to being positive as “having the deadly disease”. Now, I realize that he was just trying to lighten the mood and to be funny. But if you are trying to get in my pants, don’t tell me I have a deadly disease; It just doesn’t put me in the right state of mind. Thanks.
Then I started rambling. I don’t know if I was nervous, or drunk, or both but I was completely rambling like a fool. Dayton did the only thing he could to shut me up. He kissed me. The kiss started off pretty good. Actually, it was great. Then it seemed like he unhinged his jaw and tried to swallow my face whole.
I would like to point out that while I am not a Roman god, I represent pretty well. When he removed his clothes, his body did not live up to the potential that his clothing allowed me to imagine. I am not so shallow that I would let that ruin any romantic and/or good time I have with a boy, but it was just a bit of a shock.
"While I was on my knees, I couldn’t help but notice that he was not that well endowed . . "
And then when he said to me “Suck that big cock,” while I was on my knees, I couldn’t help but notice that he was not that well endowed. It took every ounce of my acting skills not to break out in giggles while staring his not so big appendage in the face! . To cover up my almost laughter, I went to it. Then he embellished again: “Suck that big, fat cock.” I laughed. I couldn’t help it! Thankfully my mouth was occupied at the time so it sounded like I was choking on his not so big and fat cock. Looking back, I can only imagine this action only further propelled his delusions of grandeur.
Even after our rocky start, I was hopeful that things would improve because he smart and he did make me laugh - and not only when I was on my knees! Alas, I was disappointed again. So I straightened myself up and giggled all the way home.
I guess I am meant to spend these hot summer nights alone. Honestly, I am perfectly fine with that. I am content to spend my nights with Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan, Meryl Streep, and Julia Roberts because they rarely disappoint.