Last week I celebrated 5 years of LIVING with HIV and while I’m fully aware of just how different my life is since being told I was HIV-positive, it wasn’t until today that I really stopped to pay full attention to just how incredibly blessed my life is and how thankful I am for everything that has transpired in my life.

The first year of being diagnosed was a complete nightmare because I was homeless, sick and everything in my life was temporary. I even switched doctors four times and three clinics before finding a doctor and clinic I trust completely. Part of the reason I’m living where I’ve lived for almost four years now is a direct result of my current doctor and clinic.

I remember my Ma once telling “from the time you came into this world you’ve been a fighter and always striving to live against all odds”.  She was talking about the fact that I was born with Sickle Cell. Nothing has changed since my birth; LIVING has always been my plan. Even through my battles with cancer, through homelessness and now LIFE with HIV. The only option has been to LIVE. In fact I recall my Pops once saying to me “if you have a plan ‘B’, then your plan ‘A’ aint worth a damn” So for me LIVING has been my ONLY plan, my ONLY option.

I had to basically figure out the ins and outs of HIV all on my own the first year. There was no such thing as “community” support in my life and ya’ll already know how I feel about the word “community”.  I was my own support system.

I made the choice to LIVE, even in the midst of an entire world being upside down, inside out and totally flipped. I was not going to be a victim, nor was I going to hide in shame and I certainly was not going to believe that I was damaged or no longer worthy of being loved. I refused to run from support group to support group and not truly move forward with my life. I know support groups work well for some people, but for me that represented a full and complete surrender; for me they represented guilt, shame, silence and the closet of HIV. Closets are for clothes and where you hide things you don’t want company to see. They’re not a place for people who want to LIVE.

I’ve surrounded myself with people who are creative, out of the box self-thinkers.  People who don’t give a rat’s ass about my HIV status, but are willing to listen and learn about HIV when I talk or want to share some information with them. People who do not subscribe to groupthink mentality of any form . In doing so I have some pretty amazing people in my life.

A major part of my choice to LIVE is tied to me being completely honest about my HIV status and not being afraid or ashamed to talk about it with anyone at any time.  In being as open and honest as I’ve been this has meant that some people will choose not be get to know me, not want to work with me or even stand or sit near me, but those are their own issues and demons that they must deal with. I refuse to take the low pulpit in order to make someone else feel comfortable about my HIV status.

LIVING also requires that I am fully and totally honest, without any reservation about disclosing my HIV status to someone I may fuck or begin to develop a relationship with. This has not been hard for me because I don’t fuck or suck any Tom’s dick that’s hairy. Full disclosure speaks to who I am and exposes the depth and strength of my character which is turns speaks volumes about who I am as a human being. Full disclosure means I’m FULLY in charge, on board with and accepting of the fact that I’m HIV positive and with this comes responsibility. However this does not mean that some knucklehead may choose to look past me because of my status. But if this is the case, then they are someone I wouldn’t want in my life to begin with.

So as I look back over the past five years I see so much growth, but I also see where my foundation remains solid and unbreakable. I am so very thankful for everything that has happened in my life….even the bad things and things that caused me so much hurt, pain and tears.

My friends say to me all the time “When I look at you I don’t see someone with HIV. I see someone who is living and enjoying their life”

If I were to die today, I know none of my friends would mention HIV at my home going service, because they know HIV is irrelevant in my LIFE.

February has really been a busy time for me in so many ways. 2013 started with so many blessings and they just keep coming. There is a smile on my face and I’m embracing the sun on my face while exploring the passion in every single possibility.

February started with a full remodel of my kitchen, bathroom and floors. I was really excited because it meant new granite countertops, new tile on my floors, new cabinets, new stove and a new toilet. To add to the excitement I was so happy to see that all the new items proudly displayed the American flag and something I don’t see very often…MADE IN AMERICA. Well that was true for everything except the new toilet supplied by the Department of Water and Power (DWP) which was made in China.

The remodel lasted for about a week. The workers moved fast, but since my place is small Dodger and I could not be in the living room area of the apartment because it was filled with everything from the kitchen, bathroom and hall closets. I couldn’t even open the blinds to the floor-to-ceiling windows because I could not reach them. Then there was the noise and dust. Dodger didn’t deal too well with that at all and I must admit that not being able to use my kitchen was a major downer. Thank God for my friends who came by to take me to dinner and helped me with food to place in the refrigerator that did not require me to cook. But in the end it was all worth it and I now have a modern kitchen and bathroom with added cabinet space.

I must say that all this is only possible because Hollywood Community Housing Corporation truly cares about their properties and wants to provide awesome apartments where their residents can feel safe and call home. Every time someone new comes by my place they are always surprised that I live in a low income building. I always hear things like “this building is beautiful” and “wow,  Kengi your apartment is great”.  I’m really blessed to live here, because no organization on Skid Row comes even close to offering the high end quality apartments, bungalows and senior living places like Hollywood Community Housing Corporation does, nor can they hold a light to the respectful services HCHC provides.

February is Black History month and this year I celebrated in grand style. I applied for media credentials to cover the Red Carpet events and premiers of the Pan African Film & Arts Festival. Three days after applying, I received an email informing me that I was “approved”.  I can’t even begin to tell you just how excited and humbled I was.

The Pan African Film & Arts Festival was established in 1992 by actress Janet DuBois (Good Times), award winning actor Danny Glover and Ayuko Babu. The festival is America’s largest and most prestigious international Black film festival. This year, the festival selected a total of 154 films, representing 34 countries -- that is, 23 documentaries, 13 short documentaries, 67 narrative features, and 51 narrative shorts covering subjects of HIV and AIDS, Blues, homosexuality, activism, love stories, family stories and the powerful FREE ANGELA & ALL POLITICAL PRISONERS documentary.

To say this event was star studded is a huge understatement. It was a virtual who’s who of entertainment, mixed with emerging talented film makers, directors, producers and actors all holding space and showcasing the incredible gifts and talents of a culture whose history is rooted in greatness.

I had the pleasure of mixing with some awesome and incredibly talented photographers and videographers, all of whom were professionals in full control of their craft and talents. I also had the misfortune of meeting some insanely arrogant, rude and selfish photographers, one of whom pushed me saying “move, I shoot for a very big agency and you need to move”.  Although this was my first time at this particular “rodeo” I was not about to let some troll with a pink lens push me and tell me to move. In the end her and her pink lens and stool stood at the end of the red carpet. It was funny how some photographers acted as if they were comparing dick sizes, but then there was those who were humble and holding their own with the so called “professionals”.

I had the chance to speak with actors like Richard Roundtree and Janet DuBois about my grandmother who cooked and catered for both of them. I had the pleasure of listening to Hollywood’s new power couple DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good speak about FAITH and how it is at the center of who they are and what they do. I was nnspired by Producer Reginald Hudlin’s  (Django Unchained) very candid and honest talk about Django and for sharing his thoughts, advice and encouragement so freely.

There was just so much for me to take in and celebrate, including the film about a little joint on Central Avenue in Los Angeles where everyone came to play the blues. The opportunity to meet many of the musicians my parents, aunts and uncles use to go see perform and albums they played. The chance to see a film honoring the very place I would hear them speaking about as a kid and the awesome woman who started it all. However the cream of the crop was the chance to meet the incredible, inspiring and courageous Angela Davis. Her red carpet movie premier was crazy and out of control, but a chance of a lifetime and very exciting. Having the chance to capture Angela Davis and Jada Pinkett Smith in my lens was such an honor.

So I celebrated Black History month by honoring the greatness of those who have paved the way for me to do what I do. I expanded my skills as photographer and I held my own against those who claim to be such “professionals” I met some pretty amazing photographers whom I’ve already spoken to and hung out with and have even made plans to work with.

Does anyone remember where I was when Bob first interviewed me here on PositiveLite.com? Does anyone recall my first appearance as a writer here? Does anyone recall all that I’ve been through in my life? Now look where I am.  Still standing, still smiling, still working my hardest for the greater good and still thankful for my life, my health and the truly inspiring people in my life.

LIFE is my RED CARPET and each day I must OWN IT.   

When I first met Dodger he was pretty beaten up. He was  very shy. He had stitches all over and had to wear a cone to keep himself from biting or scratching them. He had on a diaper and his eyes were filled with goop.

It was raining when he arrived and Phillip had to sneak out in order to prevent him from panicking. Originally I was only going to foster him until he was adopted, as I wanted a dog a little bigger than him.

However right away something about him felt right. Dodger was homeless and in need of love, respect and a great place to live. I don’t need to tell you just how much this little dog spoke to my soul because just like me he was starting over in a new place after going through a hard time. Our bond was fast and within 24 hours I knew I wanted to keep this little guy.

I took him to his first adoption and I just knew someone was going to ask for him, but shortly after we arrived, Phillip asked if I wanted to keep him and without hesitation I said yes and as the saying goes the rest is history, or should I say history in the making? Whatever it was, Dodger has been nothing short of a massive blessing for my life. Not only did he steal my heart, he’s done the same with all my friends. Everyone loves Dodger.

Dodger was two when he came into my life, but on January 15 he celebrated his 5^th birthday and his 3^rd year with me. Since I didn’t know his exact birthday I picked the first day we met as his birthday. In keeping up with this little dog I’ve tried to make Dodger just as happy as he makes me, so each birthday has to be special. Even if he does something that pisses me off.

Dodger has been to all the cool dog parks here in Los Angeles and, like me, he loves Santa Monica Beach and playing in the sand at Malibu. He likes hikes in Runyon Canyon as well as Griffith Park, but it’s a local neighborhood park where he seems to come to life. It’s where he plays well with other dogs and has a great time. It’s been so cool to see him do this because I think Dodger tends to think he is a human and playing with other dogs is somehow beneath him.

As anyone who has met him will tell you, Dodger has a personality that is all his own  - with some strong characteristics borrowed from me. When he does not want to be bothered he will ignore you. He demands to be stroked by everyone he likes. There are those who he starts out liking, but then changes his mind and barks at them when he sees them.  When he is ready to leave he will act out and bark and if he poops in your place that’s just his way of saying “nice to meet you.”

Dodger can go from being very chill to high energy at the drop of a hat. He loves to chill on the back of the sofa and look out the window or sit on my lap and watch TV, but he also loves to destroy his toys as quickly as he can. If something catches his eye outside the widow then he will let them know he sees them and wants to play with them.

Dodger takes great care of me when I’m not feeling my best and when I’ve had a bad day. He will sit on my feet or lay right beside me and will even lick my face as if to say “everything's going to be ok”. But the thing that I love the most about Dodger is how he welcomes me home. It’s always so nice when he goes crazy when he hears my voice outside and rushes to the window to bark as loud as he can to let me and everyone know just how happy he is to see me. Although sometimes I think he’s asking me where the hell I’ve been.

When I arrived at LAX from my trip to DC he was at the airport to greet me. As soon as he saw me he went bonkers, pulling on his leash trying to get away from my best friends. Once I walked over to him he jumped all over me. Even when I went to the Bay Area for a wedding and he remained at the hotel Dodger showered me with love and kisses when I returned. But the best is when I walk through the front door of our apartment and he comes charging at me, jumping and barking welcoming me home. I love the way he runs to the top of the sofa and when I approach him he jams he head into my arm and lets out these sounds like he missed me so much it hurts. Each and every time he does this I get tears in my eyes because I know Dodger is happy and he loves me and where he lives.

Dodger is more than a simple little dog. He’s very much like a child to me. My friends will tell you that I’ve skipped doing things with them if Dodger can’t go and if I’m away too long I remind them that I must get back home because he’s alone. Even on the last trip to the Bay Are when he stayed with friends I know I drove my friends crazy because all the way I kept saying how much I missed him. I asked the friends he stayed with to send me pictures of him. I think I even asked to speak with him too.

People who don’t have a dog can never understand the bond I feel with my little man. Everyone with a dog they truly love will go above and beyond to make sure their little pooch is happy, from the food and treats they eat, to the trips and play dates they go on. Dogs are so special and they get inside your heart as only they can do. Even when they piss on your coffee table or shit in your favorite shoes or drag your one and only laptop all over the floor and destroy it, you can’t stay mad at them.

Dodger is so much more than a little dog. He is my friend and his love is unconditional and I know most humans could not come close to the love and friendship he bestows on me each and every day without fail.

Well the sun has set on another awesome year in our lives. I don’t know about you, but as the sun dipped into the beautiful Pacific Ocean for the very last time in 2012, I was very thankful, blessed and humbled. My soul is joyful for all that God has blessed my life with in 2012 and I’m looking forward to celebrating more awesome days and watching many more beautiful sunsets in 2013. I trust you are as well.

Welcome to 2013! I just want to take this time to thank everyone who has been reading my articles here on PositiveLite.com as well as those of you who read my blog postings on Project KengiKat.  Your kind comments have all been so welcome and very much appreciated.

Dodger and I had a very fun filled, peaceful and joyous December which happened to usher in my 44^th birthday which was filled with close friends over dinner and drinks at a local eatery here in Hollywood. It was a perfect way for me to be thankful for my life and health from 2012 and usher in the start to my new year. My new year’s begins on my birthday, not January first like everyone else.

2012 was a very blessed year for me. More than 95% of the goals I set for myself I was able to accomplish  and I’m so looking forward to moving forward into 2013 like I’m sure so many of us are. I don’t set New Year’s resolutions or set myself up for failure with pipe dreams and grand ideas that many fail on the first week of the New Year. Instead I use my birthday to reflect on the past year and set S.M.A.R.T (Smart, meaningful, attainable, realistic, triumphs) goals for the coming year.

One of these S.M.A.R.T goals is focusing more on my photography and taking it to the next level. I’m already well on my way to accomplishing this goal because on New Year’s Day I booked two events that were very successful and I’m already planning to be a part of a show next month. However my big goal for the year is to have my own solo photography/art show.

Another thing I’m going to be working on over the next year is being less social on social media and more social in my everyday life. I think social media is a very powerful tool and for me has provided a way to help raise awareness for issues such as homelessness, Sickle Cell, cancer, HIV and AIDS, but I think it is also very important to make sure my “in life” presence is greater than my “online” presence.

I’m also going to spend more time saying “no” to people, places and things who only seek to use me, my ideas, thoughts, gifts and talents to further their own personal interest only to have them disregard me once they’ve used me up. I’m going to spend more time doing things that I want to do. Things that make me smile or bring me joy and things that I’m passionate about. Get ready because I’m going to be very selfish when it comes to who I will spend time with, what people, places and things I will entertain, who I will align myself with, what battles I will fight and who I will allow to be in my circle. But please don’t be alarmed, upset or angry because this has nothing to do with you. It’s all about me.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m taking time out for ME. To be honest so much needed time out for me. Hell long overdue time out for me. I’m going to buy my own flowers, be my own valentine, whisper how sexy I am to myself. In the words of an old Gospel song I’m going to “speak over myself and encourage myself”.

In 2013 I’m going to fall head over hills, madly and deeper in love with ME. I’m going to let go of my insecurities and explore the passion in all my possibilities. I’m going to write myself love letters and love songs to myself.

Last year the one thing I prayed for and meditated on was “abundance” and God supplied that in so many ways and as a result my life is so richly blessed with people, places and things that matter. So this year my constant prayer, the one thing I will meditate on is “NIA” which means purpose.

A couple of months ago I said I felt a shift taking place and that my life was about to change. Well now it is taking place and I'm welcoming it and allowing God to guide me, protect me and keep me as only he can do.

I hope you all are well and already well on your way to an awesome new year filled with smiles, love, respect, laughter, joy, peace and friendship that starts and comes from you to you and then extends towards humanity.

Blessings for the New Year!

Last weekend marked World AIDS Day and I must say I avoided doing anything HIV or AIDS related. Not because I’m ashamed or afraid of someone knowing my status, but because I’m simply burnt out and to be very honest I’m sick of hearing the same information time and time again. I simply did not want to spend one second looking at slides or hearing about some study. 

The week leading into World AIDS Day I made a deliberate effort to think of my cousin, two people who were like family to me and several people that I provided peer support for in hopes of finding a way to honor and celebrate them without having to listen to drug companies and ASO’s pat themselves on the back for all the great work they’re doing.

After much thought, prayer and meditation I decided the best way to honor those whom I’ve  known personally would be to LIVE and celebrate my own life. I know each of them would not want anyone they knew, loved and cared about sitting some place with people who don’t know them feeling sad or any sorrow because they are no longer here. If they could get a message to me, I know that message would, “Kengi go live your life to the fullest. That is the best way to honor me”

Then I started to think of how I’d like for my family and friends to remember me and although I know I can’t control how people will mourn my transition, I could at the very least set the stage. I want my friends to celebrate, throw a party and have a good time. I want my services to be happy and upbeat with a huge gospel choir rocking the church forcing everyone to their feet to clap their hands, stomping their feet and sending me home. I don’t want to be remembered for being HIV positive, a cancer survivor or someone with Sickle Cell. I want to be remembered and celebrated as a man who lived an incredible life and surrounded himself with incredible people. I want to be remembered and celebrated for who I am, not what disease I've lived my entire life with, conquered or became infected with.

"I have HIV, but HIV DOES NOT have me. I’m in control and HIV is just along for the ride. It will NEVER become my GPS."

So I celebrated World AIDS Day, by celebrating me and I did it in the company of some of my awesome friends, fellow artists and photographers. The subject of HIV and the fact that it was World AIDS Day never even came up. They already know I’m HIV positive and they don’t care. Moreover HIV does not define me; it does not shape who I am or what I can accomplish. I have HIV, but HIV DOES NOT have me. I’m in control and HIV is just along for the ride. It will NEVER become my GPS.

If I could put my finger on just one thing about HIV that I could share with someone who becomes HIV positive or someone already diagnosed, it would be me telling them “never surrender” Not to HIV and all the shit that goes along with it. Because as quiet as it is kept, there’s lots of shit that comes from the people, places and things that are supposed to be in line to assist us. “Never surrender” to your life being over or that you are no longer able to live an abundant life or fall in love whomever you choose. “Never surrender” to the HIV closet, don’t allow ANYONE to push you into the darkness of HIV where you become a prisoner worrying about everything. Take a moment to find yourself, hold yourself, love yourself, then get up and tell HIV to have a damn seat. Your life is not over…….only if you want it to be. “Never surrender” to the groupthink mentality that all your friends now need to be HIV positive or that your dating choices are now limited to people who HIV ONLY. “Never surrender” who you are, what you love and what your dreams are, because they are still possible.

So I spent the entire weekend surrounded by friends, people I admire, respect and love and people I know who admire, respect and love me. I surrounded myself with amazing art, incredible music, great vibes, smiles and plenty of laughter. All made possible by my friend and fellow artist Carlos who hosted a Hip Hipsters Affordable Art Show.  I had the chance to speak with and share ideas with fellow artist and even though I no longer raise my voice in song or sit down at the piano, I was so inspired and encouraged by the awesome musical artists who provide an awesome backdrop to the entire weekend.

 Even though the rain was persistently on and off all weekend, it couldn’t stop the magic. We laughed at the rain and didn't allow it to spoil our spirits and joy in any way. As I looked over the people who had gathered my spirit confirmed with me that there were others around me having their own celebrations over the challenges life has thrown on their paths. By the smiles on their faces I could tell that those challenges were no match for them and just like me, they too will “never surrender”

I couldn't have asked for or even planned a better way to celebrate my life and even honor the lives of those whom I know personally have died due to AIDS, then to be gathered in Silverlake with angels from the City of Angels holding space. My World AIDS Day celebration was for me and it was private, but I was surrounded by love and positive energy.

“Never surrender”

I’ve been very busy lately with photographing various HIV events here in Los Angeles. This is how I had the pleasure of meeting Nina Harawa. She was one of the guests in attendance at the Leadership Awards put on by the Los Angeles Women’s HIV Task Force which I wrote about recently. She is also the reason I was able to photograph and video the Breaking the Silence event in Los Angeles.

I know you’re wondering what is Breaking the Silence and let me start by saying, no I did not complete my HIV documentary that shares this name. However it is because of this, plus the fact that so many people I admire and respect were involved with this event that I said yes I would capture it. However what I would later discover is just how amazing Nina truly is.

On October 17 my friend Carlos and I made our way from Hollywood toward Charles R. Drew Magnet High School in Los Angeles to cover Breaking the Silence. It’s an annual event for Black women and Latinas designed to help them address wellness, health, relationship and sexuality issues.

I have not been to this area of Los Angeles in a very long time. Not since I was around 13 years old and my cousins lived down the street at 124 and Wilmington. I share this story with Carlos on our drive over. We spoke about how as a kid I attended the Jazz at Drew event and even spoke of the King/Drew Medical Center and Hospital which is now closed, but construction on a new medical center is under way and is much needed for this area.

Carlos and I were joined by over 400 women of all ages, incl;uding youth for an 8-hour conference that featured guest speakers, breakout sessions, role play and an interactive performance piece from T.A.D.A. (Theater Actors Discussing AIDS) created by my friend Michelle Simek and featuring my friends Shellye, Andrea and Lynenia . Additionally the participants left with a self-esteem kit “lovingly” assembled by Shellye and Zoyla who were guest speakers.

Featured guests included author Gail Wyatt, PhD. Who spoke about child sexual abuse on women, risky behaviors, as well as the long term affects this could have on women’s mental health and wellbeing. She spoke candidly about sexual habits and even sexual behaviors that many view as normal.

Celebrity guest was Cookie Johnson, the wife of basketball and Laker legend Magic Johnson. After a clip from a recent documentary, Mrs.Johnson took to the stage to discuss how they’ve been dealing with HIV in their relationship as well as offering valuable life lessons to women concerning their health, self-respect, love, HIV and AIDS.

For me this was a very important part of the conference when it comes to people of color. Especially Black people, because some like to believe that Magic Johnson has been cured of HIV.  Cookie’s presence blew this right out the water. Just looking at some faces of people in the audience I could see “you sank my battleship” type expressions on their faces.

“One of the most difficult challenges for women is maintaining their own health while addressing a myriad of other demands – as mothers, wives, girlfriends and workers,” said Dr. Nina T. Harawa, Associate Professor of College of Medicine, Charles R. Drew University of Medicine and Science and Event Chair. “Sexual health is an important but rarely talked about aspect of this. The event is about breaking this silence in order to both highlight unhealthy patterns in our communities and to facilitate dialogue and information sharing that promotes healthier approaches.” 

Nina is unlike any leader I’ve ever met. While she is brilliant, very accomplished and has an unmatched record of compassion and great care as well as a commitment to healthcare and HIV services for populations hardest hit by HIV and AIDS, she is not arrogant, nor does she display any insecurities about who she is and what she has accomplished by asking people to address her as Dr. Harawa or reminding people how many letters she has behind her name.  She’s down to earth and content to allow other people to shine.

Moreover she commands the respect of her team and colleagues by being a kind, gentle, educated and socially aware leader. She knows the strengths of her team and allows them to blossom under her leadership. My Ma use to say you can judge a great team by its outstanding leader and that the sign of a true leader is one who is willing to take advice and delegate leadership responsibility to their team. A good leader fully understands that there is no “I” in team.

As I’ve said many times before, you cannot help people you don’t speak to and you certainly cannot help people you don’t care about. Under the leadership of Nina, this conference IS what others should strive to be. It is held in the heart of populations hardest hit by HIV and AIDS as well as those who do not have adequate access to care. It’s FREE, offers FREE childcare, located in their neighborhood, speaks to them, not above or at them. It is FREE from judgments, guilt or shame. It is respectful, but most of all it is UNDERSTANDABLE!!! It provides real life answers to real life situations facing women of color in a supportive environment that is respectful, but challenging. It meets people where they are.

Lastly, Nina made certain that the people presenting and offering suggestions and resolutions looked just like the people they were speaking to. They live in neighborhoods just like the one where the conference is located, they fully understand what struggle is and that when you don’t have money to get on the bus this is not an excuse, it is a barrier. When you don’t have food to eat or a place to stay you are not lazy or worthless, but deserving of love, respect and help that meets your immediate needs. They were kind, informed and fully aware of the situations facing these women.

I feel strongly that this conference should be the ONLY conference for woman of color here is Los Angeles and until we retire the old guard with their old ideas that have never worked and replace them with real, effective leaders like Nina, issues such as poverty, homelessness, access to care, HIV and AIDS as they pertain to Black and Latino populations will never change.

It’s time for new ideas, new leaders who truly care about the final outcome. It’s time for real change, real progress It’s time for Nina and conferences like Breaking the Silence.