This article previously appeared in FS magazine, a publication of GMSH, here.
Bring up the subject
Bringing up the subject that you want to ask another guy into your bed isn’t an easy thing to do. Talking about fantasies together is a good way to bring the subject up. If he also has fantasies about sex with more than one person, then he’ll be more likely to be up for a threesome. Plus, by telling him it’s one of your fantasies, you are letting him know that you are interested in having one.
What if he’s not up for it?
Of course it’s not always that simple. Experimenting with threesomes means experimenting with emotions and insecurities that can wreak havoc on a relationship. So what happens if you really want to do it and your partner doesn’t? “It depends on how important to you having threesomes is in comparison with how important your boyfriend is to you,” says health promotion specialist Barrie Dwyer. “Think about why you want to do it? It’s important to get to the real reasons why you want to and why he doesn’t. Then decide if you can find a compromise or decide that it’s not worth the risk to your relationship.”
Every couple that successfully has threesomes in their relationship sets rules beforehand. How do you meet the guys? Some couples decide it’s only something they want to do on holiday, so it doesn’t get mixed up with their everyday life. Is it OK to see the guys again? What if it isn’t working for one of you? And what can you get up to? Fucking? It’s different for every couple and sometimes the rules get broken, so you should be prepared for what happens then.
Where to pick up a third is also an important factor to threesome success.
“We try to find people that we’re both at least a bit attracted to and who are attracted to both of us,” says Michael. “We’d find it difficult if he was clearly only into one of us. We look for someone who will be fun, and who knows that it’s just a bit of exciting recreational sex, nothing more.”
What if it all goes wrong?
Threesomes can be exciting, but they can just as easily be an uncomfortable, relationship-threatening disaster. As Michael found out: “The worst was when my boyfriend got fucked after we agreed beforehand that he wouldn’t. I was really upset about it. I felt betrayed, and for a while I wasn’t sure if our relationship would survive. We got through it eventually but it was over a year before we tried again. Now I feel more secure in the relationship and so I can relax and enjoy myself in that kind of situation.” But the picture doesn’t always end up being so rosy, as happened to a friend of Barrie’s: “He suggested a threesome with this guy. His boyfriend wasn’t really in the mood but reluctantly agreed. When it came to doing the business, the other guy was obviously more into his previously reluctant boyfriend. A month later his boyfriend told him that he and the other guy were in love and that he was moving out.” It’s important for everyone involved to feel part of the action and not left out. And if it isn’t working out for either of you, you should stop, no questions asked, and call it a day.
Is it really for you?
Threesomes in relationships aren’t for everyone. For every successful case there seems to be another that ends in flames. In Michael’s case, threesomes have brought another facet to his sexual relationship: “Opening our relationship up to the occasional threesome has made me feel more attractive and I know I’m with my boyfriend because I want to be, rather than because I don’t have other options.”
So what’s the secret to success?
“Talk about it first and find out what each of you is happy with and not happy with,” says Michael. “And you’ve got to keep to any agreement that you make. Threesomes can be a lot of fun, but they’re not worth jeopardising your relationship for.”
HIV and Open relationships
Did you know that most people get HIV from either a boyfriend or a regular sex partner? If you are in an open relationship or play with others it’s important to use condoms with every new partner. It’s also important you test for HIV and STIs regularly. To find your nearest GUM clinic, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/clinics.
This article was taken from FS magazine issue 144. To read the DIGITAL VERSION: Click here.