Is it Me?

Published 16, Oct, 2012

Positively Dating is back - and he’s loving not trying. Dating that is.

Is it Me?

Just like Lucy, I guess I have some ‘splainin to do. Where have I been?

Oh, I have been around. My day job had me quite busy and that left me no time to date, “date” or even think about anything in between.

After my workload was alleviated, I realized that I wasn’t dying to venture back into those murky waters. I think during my time away, I fell in love with the idea of not trying. I don’t know if it was a product of those last two awful dates (you remember the boring guy from Barcelona and the guy with the exaggerated view of his endowments, right?) Or maybe it was not having to go through the troubles of telling people of my HIV Status; Or maybe it was because I am a closet spinster, but I was, and still am, loving it. 

I have had various offers for dates or “dates” but I turned them down.  Yes,  I even turned down dates with extremely handsome men who were sincerely into dating me. Obviously, I don’t know what was wrong with me! I mean how could I turn them down when there are children starving in China (excuse my seemingly insensitive and politically incorrect mixed metaphor, but I’m sure you get my point).  I guess I just wasn’t feeling like it. I wasn’t feeling like becoming the best possible version of myself to go on a date with someone who I would probably not be interested in.  And conversely, if I were interested, they would either not be with me or be scared off by my HIV status. 

And to make matters worse, the occasional “date” that I have gone on could have made the sports section of a high school newspaper seem far more interesting!   

I briefly considered not engaging in any sexual activity until I started really dating someone.  But by the third day I was having horrible night terrors and then, every time I saw a cute boy I would break in hives from head to toe. I figured out that this was not the best course of action for me.  

Then I decided to go organic. No, not food. Boys. I’m a Virgo and I have always been a person who works well with structure, so I put that structure on my dating life. I’ve now decided that isn’t working. So, no more: “You have to have one date a week!” No more: “You need to go out and mingle!” No more: “Weekly manscaping sessions!” Oh, hell.  Who am I kidding?  I am totally keeping that last rule!! 

I quickly found out that going organic is a slow process. It is an especially slow process if you spend your Friday nights all alone, sitting on your couch eating icing from the container, without utensils.  Imagine Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her, I'm not kidding.   

While I was waiting for something to happen, organically, and suffering from sugar shock, I had some time to think. Time to think about all the guys I have dated in couple of years. And I had to question myself. I thought: Oh my god, is it me? Am I ready to date? Do I really want to date? Do I ask myself too many questions? 

As of now, I really don’t have any answers to those questions. I mean, yes I want a boyfriend. Yes, I would like take advantage of that right bestowed upon us by governor Cuomo and get married.  But honestly, I just don’t know if I have the energy or the will power right now to put myself back out there. 

(Then again, maybe this all a subconscious ploy. They always say they show up when you’re not looking, right?)