Ducks will take over the world!
Caught young. Christopher Banks with the strange case of the girl, the ducks, and insanity.
Don’t be fooled. Inside that tiny head is a brain built for conquest.
No, I haven’t gone off my meds.
The title of today’s post refers to the astonishing letter to the editor reproduced below, which I promise you is genuine (published in the October 3 edition of the Northern Outlook in Canterbury, New Zealand). I strongly encourage you to read before we continue today. Go on. I’ll wait.
I thought my religious education was shitty, but clearly there are options with worse outcomes: “homeschooling” is a term with all the intellectual rigour of “feng shui”. Both involve moving shit around a room without any effect whatsoever, only one involves furniture and the other children.
Jasmine has clearly done more than move around, as it appears she has also learned to write – presumably on a computer, pioneered by a homosexual (Alan Turing) and created with the aid of science-y stuff like evolution that she doesn’t believe in.
Now I know you’re going to tell me to ease up on her because she’s just a child, but I’m not going to afford her that luxury.
Newspapers have an irritating habit of printing the age of minors next to letters if they get published, presumably so we’ll marvel at their adult-like insight.
If anything, this letter is proof that precociousness is not something to be universally encouraged. This letter sets the gold standard for why children should be seen and not heard, and preferably not seen.
What kind of a parent lets their child send a letter like this to the paper?
If this were my child, I’d sit her down and ask her to think twice about it. Here’s how the conversation might go:
“Jasmine, darling, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve written a letter, but are you absolutely sure you want to have it published?”
“Yeah, Dad. I’m really worried about the evolutionary advantage that ducks will get over humans because of all the homosexuals.”
“How did you manage to connect those two things?”
“Well, it’s like I said, if we let homosexuals get married, they can’t have children, so there’ll be no more children. Then the ducks will have a clear shot.”
“At what, exactly?”
“Everything. They’ll take all our jobs, just like the boat people.”
“What? Don’t you agree?”
“That would take more heartbeats than I have left to explain. Jasmine, I forbid you to send this letter.”
“But it’s my opinion! Everyone has a right to their own opinion.”
“They do, but they don’t have a right to their own facts, and if this gets printed you’ll look like a tit.”
This conversation did not happen in Jasmine’s household, most likely because the parents not only believe it to be true, but because they see it as a remarkable advertisement for their teaching skills.
It’s inexplicable, like one of those people who gets up to sing on X Factor and has genuinely no idea that they sound like a cat being flung down a fire escape in a polythene bag.
At least Dr Frankenstein gave the world hope of re-animated flesh. These parents have given the world a mind that understands evolution as a mechanism that puts the entire human race at risk of a duck revolt if heterosexuals stop fucking for five seconds.
There is no greater threat to humanity than stupidity. There is enough paucity of critical thinking among adults, let alone harbouring it in the generation to follow.
This article first appeared in Christopher’s own blog Bipolar Bear here.