Big day

Published 16, Nov, 2012

Danny Miller is happy that his home state, Maryland, has finally adopted same-sex marriage. But for Danny, it’s a bittersweet victory.

So November 6th was our big election day here in The States. Americans went out in record numbers to vote! On the ballot? President, Senate, local government, legalizing marijuana, gambling and same-sex marriage.

Well, Barack Obama was re-elected president; we have our first openly gay congress woman.  Two states legalized marijuana, but the big news is we now have three more states in which gay marriage is legal! WHOOP WHOOP!

Maryland has the distinction of being one of those states; we also have the distinction of being the first state ever to win gay marriage on a ballot, meaning it was not done by politicians; it was done by the people!! Well done Maryland.

Now I have written about gay marriage here before, a couple of times I believe. And was pretty clear and adamant about my stance.  I felt very strongly that anyone wanting to get married should have the right, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation , but in the same tone, marriage was something that I had never wanted for myself.

Now that gay marriage has passed, I have come to believe that I was shamming myself all along. I think it was easier to say I didn’t want something I thought I could never have than to admit to the disappointment of not being able to have it. (I hope that made sense, it seemed to have worked when it was  in my head, anyway.)

In short this victory for gay marriage has turned out to be bittersweet for me. While I am ecstatic that my fellow gay Marylanders have the right to go out and get married, I have to admit that I have cried many, many, many tears over the last week.

I can’t help but think “what if Kyle were still alive?” And if I asked him to marry me would he say yes? What would our wedding be like? I always joked that if I ever got married it would be a beer keg and a bag of Fritos Corn Chips. The more I think about it, I would want it to be a beautiful grand affair, as beautiful and grand as the love that Kyle and I had together.

I can picture my mother in a stunning lavender taffeta gown, her hair perfect, wearing the pearls my father gave her. And my father, looking very sharp in a white dinner jacket tuxedo (hopefully) walking me down the aisle. All of my closest friends who are more family than friends, and my family of course, (those that don’t think I’m the devil for being gay anyway). I can smell the mountains of white roses, tulips, and calla lilies everywhere. And I can see Kyle standing up front in a smart cut white silk tuxedo waiting to take my hand and promise me forever. I can see it all so clearly, yet it’s just forever a dream.

But dreams are such good medicine. And perhaps one day this dream will come true, minus Kyle of course. I may yet meet someone so special that I will want them to promise me forever, and I’ll see my mother in her beautiful lavender dress, my father  in his tux (still hopefully) walking me down the aisle.

I picture my family and friends sharing with me the most special of days, and I know that wherever Kyle is on that day he will be watching and smiling, sending all his love and best wishes to me and the man standing with me holding my hand in marriage. Oh what a beautiful dream indeed.

 I wish you all so much love and then just a little bit more!! Thank you for reading. XXOO Danny