I watch a lot of TV. It’s right beside the computer.

The shows I seem to be watching are reality shows, I’m a big Gordon Ramsey fan - Master Chef, Hell’s Kitchen, and the new one, Hotel Hell. Most of all I am hooked on the talent search shows like American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, and now the X Factor. This year I'm wishing I could tune into the British and Australian versions of some of these shows, even though on the British X Factor this year, a dog act won. 

I'm watching America’s Got Talent as I write this and it’s boring beyond belief. There isn't one act this entire season that I would spend my money to go to Las Vegas to see, let alone buy a ticket. Even with the addition of judge Howard Stern, it just isn't entertaining. I think it’s great to have Howie Mandel and Sharon Osborne, a Canadian and a British judge on there as opposed to having all American judges, but Howie and Sharon live in America most of the year so….. All three judges have pretty much declared that it isn’t going to be the year of the singer so what’s left? A mishmash of circus acts including a…………..dog act. 

Here in Canada they tried Canadian Idol. I can’t tell you offhand how many seasons it ran but no winner has been heard from since. (Editor: Hedley maybe?) This year they did a Canada’s Got Talent and it was a major yawner. I’m not putting down Canadian talent, we have so many acts that are very visible around the world, like Justin Beiber, Celine Dion, Michael Buble and now Carley Rae Jepson. I guess we just do it better on our own. 

Coming up is the new season of The Voice and then X Factor. The Voice will be the easier show for me to follow I even though I’m not a big Ceelo Green fan. (I had no idea who he was until his appearance on the show and then only after three episodes.) This year on X Factor we get Britney Spears as a judge. How annoying!. For me she is the “queen of lip sync”, a no talent who will be judging real talent. 

Both of these shows are interesting in that at some point the judges pick a team from the contestants to work with and guide them through the show until a winner is chosen, then that judge gets bragging rights. I totally feel sorry for the team that will be guided by Britney Spears. 

It’s no secret that many of the winners don’t end up being the star the show was looking for and some of the people who didn’t win end up with better careers than the winner. There was a show called Nashville Star. Miranda Lambert made it to, I think, the top four; now she is one of the top selling country female singers today.

I pride myself to have picked the winner on American Idol for the last 6 seasons, once the top ten are selected. If it’s a girl and guy in the final and the guy is good looking, women vote for him. If it’s two guys, well it can be a toss up. If the guy is average, the girl will win. . 

So why do I like the Aussie and British versions of these shows, It’s because they try to be different, original. Sure, there are the good and not so good contestants but when they put someone through, it’s because they have a raw talent, so it can become very hard to pick a clear winner. 

In America, contestants usually sound like someone who is currently on the charts or someone already a star. This year on American Idol, of the two finalists, one was a girl who had a powerful voice but sang like 20 other divas who are so much better. The other contestant, Phillip Phillips had a distinctively quirky voice. He sang popular songs with his own twist, clearly something different. I believe he won on that fact alone; being drop dead handsome and a bit shy was secondary. His winning song “Home” is included below; they couldn’t have selected a better song for him. 

Here’s a list of my Top Ten favourite Aussie and British singers from 2009 to 2012 that I found while surfing Youtube. Combined these stars have several hundred million hits.

1. Matt Cardle – First Time Ever I Saw Your Face 2010 Winner of Britian’s X Factor, every song he sang on the show you will love. 

2. Shaun Smith - Britain's Got Talent 2009 Singing "Ain't No Sunshine" he's a 17 year old high school footballer with a hope of having a successful singing career. The total package here. He made it to the finals but he and Susan Boyle lost to a dance crew by the name of Diversity, hmmm. 

3. Lucy Spraggan – 2012 UK X Factor with her song “Last Night” Lucy may have just written the perfect drinking song about waking up the next morning and trying to remember what happened the night before. We've all been there. 

4. Ronan Park – Britian’s Got Talent 2011, I'm not sure of the song but its the audition song, you got to hear this kid, at 12 years old this kid can sing. Ronan had to deal with homophobic remarks which weren't called for, he's a child. Lucky for him, he finished 2nd but he is enjoying a life as a recording artist, I don't even want to know where all the haters are now. 

5. Jonathan & Charlotte - Britain's Got Talent 2012 having a "Susan Boyle" moment, they went on to finals but lost to a dancing dog. At first it was suggested that Charlotte might hold Jonathan back, he should sing alone. Jonathan is 17 and Charlotte 16. 

6. Chooka Parker - Aussie 2011 X Factor. How does anyone record this guy, he makes it up on the spot. Amazing and only 16 years old. 

7. Jack Vidgen - Aussie Winner 2011 X Factor is a 14 year old sensation with an unbelievable voice. He sings Whitney Houston in his audition. 

8. Owen Campbell - Australia's Got Talent 2012, given a second chance to compete, he insulted the judges and made an ass of himself, they gave him a second chance. He didn't win but what a performer. 

9. Craig Colton - British X Factor 2011, Craig went a long way on the show but didn't win. His audition he was hilarious, he surprised his parents and had fun joking about them. 

10. Janet Devlin - British X Factor 2011 Shy and 16 years old from Northern Ireland, so good, such a distinct voice. 

Here's Matt Cardle and Phillip Phillips . . . 

If a rich company like Chick fil-A wants to throw it’s money away by subsidizing hate groups, more power to them. Some people just have too many dollars and not enough sense. Hate groups are never as huge as they profess to be. Look at the now defunct “One Million Moms”, their Facebook page only contained about 30 – 40,000 followers. 

Note: I did say followers. Haters who attend the churches of hate, listen to the leaders spewing their hate, are nothing more than followers. When a hater has nothing intelligent to bring to a discussion of the facts, they resort to name calling and then feel they have the right to speak for god himself. 

Chich-fil-A is only one of very few that have taken this stance; there are so many large companies in the world who support the LGBTQ community and same sex marriage, companies that do more to help move the world forward instead of taking it back 50 or 100 years. 

I truly believe this company achieved their real motive though. With this downturn in the economy they had to have had a drop in sales, so they took a negative (negative = their stand on same sex marriage) and turned it into a positive move for themselves. They created this whole controversy and declared a day they called an “appreciation day”. Ka-ching, the cash registers ring! It should have been called “sucker day” or as some have suggested, “hater appreciation day”. If they appreciated their supporters so much, why did they have to pay for the food? Because they are followers. When someone appreciates me, they give me something….usually. 

In many situations like this, I like to use what I call a “rule of thirds”, something I learned years ago serving on a Union Executive Committee. One third will support you, one third will not and one third won't care. It’s the latter third that can make or break an election or a debate. Here in Canada our Prime Minister was given a majority government with about 40% of the country’s total population. We had a significant percentage of voters who just did not vote, perhaps because they didn’t care. 

In some communities, going to church is a big deal, but I know in my town, several churches here take turns holding Sunday service because attendance is down so low they can't fill the pews. There is more than one church here which is LGBTQ accepting and their pews are always full. Many LGBTQ events are acceptable and held inside. Churches were supposed to be built on the values of loving thy neighbor, nowhere does it say in brackets, (but if they are gay you must hate them). I think where I live is a common representation of a typical city and so far no church is coming out and declaring war on gays or same sex marriage. They have their beliefs, but don’t force them on others. 

We don’t have the well attended evangelical congregations up here that we see in the U.S. In Canada we have hate laws that could prevent or make it hard for them to survive here. I was reading something online the other day -  the writer used an interesting term for these gatherings, calling them “Talibangelical”. I had to look it up in the Urban Dictionary, as it turns out it has been around for some time and it sure fits with this lot of haters. 

A Christian fundamentalist who wants to impose their beliefs on others and attempt to establish law based on religious principles and ideologies. They have no concept of separation of Church and State and some will even resort to violence to make a point of their faith. 

I’m going to take a real stab in the dark here, I feel comfortable enough to claim that less than one percent of these people are leaders, and more than 99% are followers. You have one loud mouth preacher or politician up front preaching or teaching hate and hundreds sit there waiting for their time to show their support by chanting or whooping it up in the name of God. When you get these followers alone and ask them to show you what in the Bible they are pleading, they couldn’t find it, let alone understand it’s real meaning. To them it’s just in there, the preacher said so.  Haters only have a slight bit of strength when they are in groups, stick a microphone in front of them and they will mumble and stutter and it all goes back to the Bible and God. 

By the way, would someone please show me a traditional marriage that has been destroyed by same sex marriage? 

Its 2012, I believe that by now everyone knows someone who is LGBTQ, whether it’s someone in their family, a co-worker, or a friend, and they have the choice to support that person or they can be a follower of hate.., 

Love will always be stronger than Hate, always. 

In this video you will witness the common hater, one of the 99% who tries to move up in the ranks and be one of the 1% only to FAIL.

I just found out homophobia has been living and festering in my family.

I came out to my family and friends 21 years ago at the age of 37 and I believed it wasn't a big deal with anyone in my family. Over the years we’ve had many reunions; Christmas and holidays together, nothing was discussed, no one asked me anything, not even "why did it took so long to come out"? At one time, it was suggested that I was just going through a phase. (Umm, hiding was the phase.) 

It turns out I was enjoying a false sense of security. Behind my back, it transpires, all three of my brothers, when they got together, would exchange homophobic comments about me. Apparently it was done in the presence of other family members who have kept it from me all this time. I'm not sure if it escalated when they learned I was HIV-positive, but it may have. 

When my oldest brother died of leukemia just over 4 years ago, my Mom said he often wondered what would happen to me and my youngest brother, who has some health issues of his own. For me, this  shows he wasn't as homophobic near the end. My other older brother has a really hard time showing his feelings. He has trouble being supportive to anyone, is very opinionated and a stickler for his beliefs.  You live the way he thinks is right. 

Last month this brother and I got into a heated argument on the phone over the care my sister and I were getting for our mother. He condemned everything we were doing. He had talked to our mother on the phone and felt it was time to put her in a home. This coming from someone who lives an hour and a half from us, only visits her maybe three times a year and only because he has to come back here to see a doctor. Trying to explain anything to him was impossible. His answer to everything was to put her in a home (and throw away the key, was what I was hearing). 

This is when the homophobia spewed out of him like a tsunami. He called me every name from the list of slurs - his "other sister, faggot, fucking homo" and on and on. I'm thinking "just let him get it out", I sat there and listened to it, at one point I shouted back, "I've heard all of those, give me something original!" 

I’m concerned for my health right now, I just had my bloodwork done, I know it will come back with a lower CD4 count. Stress has never been my friend; it’s the reason my CD4 dropped to the point I had to start treatment after seven and a half years without having to take any medication. The stress of caring for my mother, worrying about all the things that get added to the original problem -  I really didn't need this. 

I see my doctor near the end of August so I am preparing to hear that my CD4 has gone down., I may even get a call any day now to have the CD4 checked again. Trying to keep the stress down is going to be a struggle when dealing with family over issues of this magnitude, So many things need to be done, and we aren't working as a team. 

If it had been someone else, a stranger that I didn't know, it wouldn't have bothered me this much, but to come from someone I had grown up with, someone I had a lot of respect for is very hard to understand or to take.

Last year I made up my mind to eliminate anger from my life, It wasn’t going to rule my life, it gets me nowhere. It was the best decision I’ve ever made; so many good things have happened from it. But when this latest incident happened, it made me weak, I yelled back, I yelled loud, I was angry and I'm still angry. It's all I can do to keep my cool. 

On a positive note to homophobia in my family, the new generation, the future of my family, is looking more than promising. My son vowed to raise his children to accept everyone for who they are and treat them the way they want to be treated. I am not the only gay person in my family; I have an aunt who is gay and now there is my son's brother-in-law, uncle to his children. 

Recently while playing the NEW game of LIFE with my son and granddaughters, there comes a time on the board you are supposed to get married. When I landed on that spot, I felt a bit awkward about chosing to marry a man, so I chose a woman. When the game was over, while we dismantled the game my seven and nine year old granddaughters asked me why I chose a woman and not a man. I was floored. I wasn't aware of how much they had been taught, how much they already knew. 

Last night it was my son's brother-in-law and his partner playing the game with them. When it came time in the game for them to marry they both chose to marry a boy. It just happened, it was all normal. Further into the game you might become a parent. Well, my seven year old granddaughter informs her uncle and his partner that they would have to adopt because it’s the only way they can have a child.. Brilliant, I thought, I felt so much pride at that moment. 

So this shows that you can teach your children to love and be accepting or you can teach them to hate. They aren't born to know there is any difference. The only time it’s pointed out to be different is when you teach hate. 

In the video below, the child is four years old, singing a homophobic song his father had to have written. At the conclusion of the first verse the father can be heard shouting, "that’s my boy". This child was not born this way. 

You’ve just completed your first speak, you stood there for 20 frightening minutes, felt yourself shaking, a little sweat beading on our forehead, your knees wanted to give out. You stay just long enough to take one last look at your audience and try to read their faces. Running through your head are questions: did I get my message across, how much did they learn? All you seem to remember is that silence in the room and the muffled sound of your own voice in your head as you talked  - and all those eyes on you.

Then more questions start to run through your mind, “What did I do right? Is there anything I could have done better? Did my story reach anyone? Was I just rambling on? Then you think, “Oh, I should have mentioned this or I should have told them that!” At this time you ask if they have any questions and hopefully they will ask about what you might have forgot to say.

And that’s why we have feedback. It has to be the single most important part of public speaking. Always ask for it and accept it, you will learn and gain confidence from it. Learn what you did right, what you could have done differently and most of all, if at least one person received your message.

Below is a quick overview that you can use to get started. By no means is this a complete list, depending on your style and everyone has their own style of telling a story, this is just meant to be a guide.

1.  Be prepared. You should know prior to each speak how much time you will have. Write out what you want to say, practice it and time it out. You can practice with other speakers or by yourself, talking into a mirror.

2.  Always stand. Stand upright. If there is a podium, try not to lean on it. If you like to walk around amongst the audience, make sure you connect with all of the audience, section it out and speak to one group then another and so on. Be animated, use your hand as you talk, avoid putting them in your pockets, use your hands to express your points.

3. Ask if everyone can hear you. You may not be comfortable using a microphone but if it is necessary, use it. If people can’t hear you, your message will be lost.

4. Know your audience. What is the age group, for instance? Design your speak with content they can understand or relate to.

5. As an opener, introduce yourself, tell them a bit about yourself, share a short story or maybe try a little humour. Try to connect with your audience as soon as you can.

6. When telling your story, know what you want to say, how much you want to share. Let the audience know what your knowledge and experience was before you tested positive, how it has affected your life, your relationships with family and friends. Tell it in a way that makes the audience think and will give them real life information. Most of all, try to avoid the “ummms”.

7.  In closing, give the audience some message to take with them, share with them some statistics or some form of education that they can share with their peers. Let them know what you are doing now, like public speaking. If you volunteer, mention it, encourage them to advocate for your organization perhaps.

8. Before sitting down and giving your wobbly legs a rest, ask if anyone has a question, thank them for their attention and finally, ask them for some feedback. Bring your own feedback form and distribute it to them or have some at the back of the room so they can fill it out before leaving.

If there is a public speakers' group in your area and you feel brave enough to speak up, try it. If there isn’t a program, consider starting one. It really can be life changing. It has helped me deal with what I’m living with, how I got here and how I’m going on with my life, and most of all it has given me something to do to be involved. You can even be anonymous, you don’t have to use your real name.

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I would like to take some time here to acknowledge the two organizations who joined together to form the workshop I attended. They taught me so much and encouraged me to pursue my need to do this work that can make a difference, trying to address stigma. I want to thank PWA (People with AIDS Foundation) of Toronto and ACCKWA (AIDS Committee of Cambridge, Kitchener, Waterloo and Area. Thanks, I’m getting better……I think!

Feedback? Anyone?

Remember: Once you tell you can’t take it back!

Adapted from Shari Margolese’s workshop “Telling your story-How to Decide”