"Don't grow up, its a trap!" As an avid Facebook-er I go online each day and my "newsfeed" page has been swarmed by memes, small postcard entries with good messages, thoughtful messages or ones from the "grumpy cat". Grumpy cat (below, right) is hilarious. I have confessed to not being a big fan of cats but this one I can live with.....and laugh with. 

Some time ago I came across the meme that spawned the title of this post. Its wording really took me back.

One of the drawbacks of getting older is you have many more things too look back on. It’s the reason grandads have so many stories to tell their grandkids. 

This meme made me think back to grade 8, to high school and beyond. Bear in mind, I quit school midway through grade 10. During this time I swear, I looked like I was 12 years old for five years. I was one of the smallest kids in my grade, I was skinny, I weighed about 110 pounds soaking wet.

I hated gym class. (Well, not entirely, I knew I was gay so I got to see things,) I just regretted having to change into gym clothes for that class. I got teased a lot, so often I would turn away from everyone else or be back in a corner. 

In high school it got worse. Most of my classmates were shaving, they had hair on their legs as well as other places on their bodies. I didn't. There was this one guy who used to taunt me there. His name was Edmund and he wanted to be called Edmund, I thought, what teenager wants to be called Edmund? Walking naked in front of me, he would say that I had to be wishing I looked like him. Comparing him to others in my class, he wasn't all that. If I was able to compare myself to him now, I'm sure he wouldn't have much to say and I'll leave it at that. 

I made one good friend in high school. He had moved to Canada from Hong Kong and seemed to be the coolest person in the whole school. He was old enough to be finished, but on coming to Canada he went to high school for that one year to learn English. I think he was four years older than me and we are still friends today - not as close but we do see each other from time to time. 

After school, we worked for his brother and we had other friends but I was still the youngest. When I was 16 we would all go over to Buffalo N.Y. for shopping, and sometimes drinking. The legal age limit in Buffalo at the time was 18 and I can't believe I was able to lie and get away with it. They never asked for I.D. back then. If you had money to spend they sold you alcohol. Mind you, the drinks were so watered down, draft beer at five cents a glass was like water. 

So by hanging out with older people I think I grew up fast. 

Dating was awkward. I was in the closet. Most girls looked older than me too. I was afraid of anything that might progress into having sex, or that I would I get laughed at because other people my age were developed a lot more than I was. Would the girl know the difference? Someone told me that if it was the first time for the girl, she wouldn't. 

Then everyone began to settle down, getting married and having kids. I was under pressure to do the same, mostly from myself. I couldn't come out. I was introduced to a girl on my 18th birthday and we dated a while, then ran off and started living together. By the time I was 23, I was the father to three kids. It wasn't a good relationship, I loved being a father but not a husband. At 25 it was all over, I felt like I had been raising four kids, not three. I felt trapped. What had I done? I didn't have a father around, I didn't know what I should be doing. The only thing that helped me was telling myself to be the father I didn't have. 

When I left the marriage, I thought I was free, but I wasn't. As it turned out, there were so many new things to take care of and more learning experiences. There were times I wished I had done things differently, by staying in school. But the present was real, it needed to be taken care of NOW! My friends and family were there for me but I was responsible for what I had to do, no one could do it for me. I asked, believe me, I did ask and am thankful now for the ones who would say, no. 

Now I often find myself sitting back and thinking, what parts of my life would be different if I had made different choices. The same answer keeps coming up - probably most of it. 

Like I said, the older you get the more things you have to remember. Everything I've done hasn’t been without some thought. I think I just created different options, and in some cases I was under the influence of other people  - or mind altering beverages. 

Now that I'm older, decisions in life are much more limited. It’s a good thing because I have plenty of time to remind myself of what I can do and what won't work. I use to say, "my body doesn't realize how young I feel", but I think my mind and body are closer in sync now. I'm alive, I am still useful for many things and I know I will be able to enjoy life more. I'm not always as good as I once was but the things I can do, I do better. 

I've often been called a smartass for some of the sarcasm I come up with at times, something I inherited from my mom. This behaviour comes in handy now, at this age. For instance, I was trying to hurry transferring to another transit bus one day. The driver had already closed the doors and wanted to get going but could see me coming waving my bus pass. I got on and thanked her for waiting for me and said, "thanks, my hurry up has slowed way down". 

Growing older has its bad parts, but a lot of good parts too. No more lessons to learn, opinions and advice and wisdom to share. I've learned not to be too opinionated or give advice without suggesting a solution. Make the other person help themselves, like you had to. 

I'd like to change that postcard now to say "If you grow up too fast, it can be a trap". Make your life fun so you can tell it while laughing your head off when you're older. 

You can follow The Grumpy Cat on Twitter: @TheGrumpyyCat 

Last year I wrote a blog called “My Pets Fly” in response to my fellow writers here at PositiveLite.com who wrote about their dogs for “Furry Friends Friday”. I wanted to write something but I don't have a dog or a cat. I don’t like to “stoop and scoop” the poop nor do I have a desire to clean litter boxes. At my age, stooping isn’t an easy task anymore, unless I see money. 

When I was first diagnosed with HIV my doctor asked if I had a cat and informed me that there is a parasite in feline feces called toxoplasmosis that can be harmful to people with a compromised immune system. This isn’t the only reason I don’t have a cat, I don’t hate them, I just don’t like them. 

I have several friends who have cats. Some will let me know they have one but I'm not to worry, it doesn't like new people or doesn't like men. They tell me that it will be hiding under the bed or will stay in another room. But as soon as I'm inside the house the cat will come right up to me, and worse, it rubs up against me. If I sit down on the couch, it will jump up and want to sit in my lap. I pick it up and put it down on the floor and it will jump back up. This will go on for quite a while until the owner puts a stop to it, somehow. 

My pets are outside all the time, out amongst nature. I think we’re a strange pairing. These pets fly, I’m 58 and have never flown anywhere. But they don’t need to be fed, walked or taken care of by me.  

Last winter I was able to get out hiking around town alot but this year, it takes a real effort. One day I might head up to the Arboretum at the University, another day I’ll just hang out at the river and photograph the birds, ducks, seagulls or geese. They all look the same so I can make believe each one is the same one from the day before. 

One in particular is the Hooded Merganser pictured here. For the last three winters there has been one down on the river hanging out with the Mallard ducks, Canada Geese and seagulls that live here year round. Like I said, I can't say if it’s the exact same duck from the year before but each October one will show up and I've been snapping photos of him and many of his amusing mannerisms. He can be quite comical at times.

All pets need a name so I have given him the name Marty. Now I'm considering having a talk with my daughter-in-law about writing a story based on him. She wants to write children’s stories so maybe this would work. 

Marty has become quite the subject for conversation. Daily I am asked what kind of duck he is. Sometimes I meet up with other photographers or just people who come to feed the ducks and when they spot him they are always curious where he came from. I’m becoming very knowledgeable about nature, ducks, and birds. I need a life methinks. It is a way to meet new people, keeps my mind working and hopefully I get a little exercise. 

When spring rolls around, several more Hooded Mergansers can be found, males as well as some females. When the males pair up with a female, they aren't as friendly around the other ducks on the river, they keep to themselves and don't come close enough for me to get many good photographs. I haven't seen any baby ones yet, they are usually gone by then. Maybe one year they will stay all year like the Common Mergansers do. I've included a picture of them above as well. 

It takes a lot of standing in one place, watching and hoping for a different shot. I nearly froze trying to get the ones I've included here. 

Last June I wrote about some photographic opportunities that were about to come my way and how I was looking forward to them. The truth is that since then photography has been taking up a lot of my time. 

I participated in the art show I mentioned but no sales or inquiries came from it. I did get a paying assignment though. A company hired me to submit photos for their new website, some that would rotate at the top of the webpage. From that job I found out about a workshop called "'Good Stories Need Great Photography" facilitated by a husband and wife, an editor and photographer from National Geographic. (The editor was responsible for the Titanic issue last April.) The purpose of the workshop was to link photographers with non-profits to show how a collection of photos can be put together in a video format that can speak better than a page of written words. I especially liked the message I got from it about doing unpaid work: "the photographer is not the person who doesn't get paid." 

Another project I was involved in last June was at my local ASO (AIDS Committee of Guelph and Wellington County). We were trying to find graffiti that contained homophobic messages. I had a two year head start on others as I had been taking photos of graffiti around town for about two and a half years. It was enlightening and encouraging that we failed to find as much homophobic graffiti as we thought we might. We ended up photographing the positive messages as well which produced a broader range of material. On November 22nd we had the wrap-up meeting where the slideshow and the resulting book were unveiled. My work was on the covers. Most of the shots from the book can be found on flickr.com here.

I have made it known to my ASO that I will take pictures at all events and activities as my donation to the agency. 

World AIDS Day activities constituted a busy time for me. An eatery/bakery here in Guelph made Red Ribbon Cookies that we handed out around the city to promote HIV awareness. I was able to take pictures on three of those occasions. Some of them may find their way into our local newspaper as its is doing a story about World AIDS Day and were interested in using our photos. 

The other ASO I am associated with, ACCKWA (AIDS Committee of Cambridge, Kitchener, Waterloo and Area) had an Art Show and Auction as part of their World AIDS Day Gala, where some of my photos were shown. I also donated some photos to their WAD wrap-up dance and silent auction to be held on the 8th of December. 

I was finally able to show my friend who has shown his work years ago some of what I was doing. He hated much of my nature shots and graffiti, but I have some that are a bit more abstract which he liked. He told me I need to put together a collection, have them professionally framed and that I need to join a gallery to show them. The problem I'm having with doing it is the cost. It isn't a cheap venture, so it will take time because it has to be done right. 

I don't think I'm going to get filthy rich any time soon but I am having fun – and it keeps me busy. I know what I need to do to find work, how to approach non-profits and work with them to create something that illustrates what they do to help people. I must remember that they do sometimes have budgets for this kind of thing. I would never want to drain them but I'm sure I could work with them to make it affordable for them. 

I have started to put together a portfolio and a resume. It surprised me how much work is recorded there, most volunteer but that can work to my advantage. I have two knowledgeable people willing to help me along too -  my friend Richard and my PositiveLite.com editor, Bob Leahy. Both have many years between them in the art world. Bob, I discovered, judges several photography contests each year, I have been asking him for feedback and he has been brutally honest and I appreciate it. He has suggested that I enter some photography contests and pit my work against others, to get better feedback. So if anyone hears of any, let me know! 

Accompanying this post are some of the pictures I contributed to the book, “Challenging Homophobia & Building Resilience Through Graffiti Photography”. The one that says “Screw Gender, Go Love” became the cover for the book. 

I could say that the main reason I do this stuff would be "because I need something to do and I have a lot of time". But really the reason is it helps me learn more about what I'm living with, that I am going to live with, and I learn about all the new research and interventions that are happening that will allow me a long, healthy and productive life. 

I've learned that I am not a victim. I can't honestly feel that I am a survivor. I contracted HIV in a time when medications were available but I didn't need any of them for seven and a half years. My diagnosis has never been a struggle, I have never been sick or had any of the common symptoms. I tested positive in 2003 so for me a survivor is someone who lived through the time when there were no medications, back in the 80s and 90s, and are still here to tell me what that was like. 

So my tour started off November 5th with our local Central West Ontario Opening Doors Counselling Forum held this year in my hometown of Guelph. Our theme was Mental Health and HIV. We did something different this year by having a one day Self Care Retreat, an opportunity for people living with HIV to come together to renew, refresh, reconnect and retreat. The aim was to provide the tools to help strengthen our resiliency within a supportive, holistic and nurturing environment. We were working on our individual "mindfullness". Some of the participants enjoyed an afternoon of Yoga, some went swimming and others attended a meeting to learn more about the new rulings by the Supreme Court on two cases before them concerning HIV disclosure. We also had an exercise dealing with meditation that I just sat through, I’ve had some bad experiences while meditating and I don’t like the feeling of possibly being triggered in the presence of other people. It’s a lame response - but that’s just me. 

I was able to get back home to my own bed for a few days before heading out on the road again. 

On November 11 I was up bright and early to board the train to Toronto for the OHTN (Ontario HIV Treatment Network) 2012 Annual Research Conference - Research With Real Life Impact. I attended this conference for the first time last year as a person living with HIV who volunteering for my local ASO (AIDS Service Organization) and someone who wanted to help my peers. It just seemed to be the next step to getting involved. I was also there as a member of ten writing team for PositiveLite.com. 

This year I attended in many roles. I was recently hired by the OHTN so I attended as a PRA (Peer Research Associate). I am currently doing surveys with the participants involved in the Employment Change and Health Outcomes (ECHO) in HIV study. I replaced the gentleman who started it in our area and I was so happy to be recommended for the job. The training was top notch, I learned so much about the study, why it needs to be done and how these studies will help people with HIV live out their lives with safely, securely and with dignity. 

This year the OHTN celebrated the completion of the "Positive Spaces, Healthy Places” study. Following lunch on the last day we got to hear from the entire team that supervised the study. Near the end of the presentation, we were told that it was a five year study and it involved more than 700 participants. When it was complete there were only about 350 people left in it. It was mentioned that many of the people who didn’t finish it couldn't be reached for a variety of reasons and some had passed away, I think the number was 54 that had passed away. Then a comment came out that drove it all home for me. "Some of the others may have passed away as well, but what if the survey had been done many years before: would more of these people be alive today?." This was a very powerful statement and made me proud to be doing this work. 

I encourage everyone to get involved with community-based research. It is very confidential, you can give your voice to it and remain anonymous. Research can and does bring about positive change - and it can save lives too. 

It did get a little weird when I opened the Research Conference program to see myself on page two. Last year I sat at a table with the now publisher of PositiveLite.com, John McCullagh and Editor, Bob Leahy and we happened to be centrally located in the room, the perfect positioning for the photo. This year we sat together again some of the time so maybe we’ll make next year’s program. 

It was great to meet some of my co-workers, some I've only met via teleconference. Some had been doing this work for several years. I would welcome the chance to be involved in more research in the future. 

I'm home now, taking some time to finally write this for PositiveLite.com. I’ve had a relapse of "blogger's block", making me look like a slacker .(Editor’s note: he’s not!)  It was good to spend time with John and Bob to learn how the site is growing. We are getting pretty darnn good at this "social media" thing, getting the word out to more sites and the response has been very good and it’s coming from around the world. 

Two days from now I will be back in Toronto for the OAN (Ontario AIDS Network) Information Meeting. Last year I was able to attend this one for the first time as well. This is the one where you learn a lot about issues involving and requiring advocacy. 

I really feel lucky to have experienced so much. I’ve been able to help in my ASO and work with my peers, I’ve sat on the board of directors at my ASO as a person living with HIV and treasurer, got to see how all of that works. Now I get out to see how things work around the Province, meeting so many people, all of the great advocates and activists of our day, researchers, doctors, lawyers and scientists. It brings home that all that they do is a collective effort for everyone living with HIV. 

And then there’s the networking. Every time I go to one of these events there is always a familiar face across the room or across the table from me. This tour is about to end for the year, there isn’t anything else for me until March next year I believe, what will I do till then? 

My hope for the future is to get to some of the national and even international conferences, I would would love to go to Australia 2014 for the International AIDS Confernce, but it’s not likely…unless I win a lottery. Until then, I’ll be here. 

As my plans to venture into "freelance" photography progress, this time of year is the best to put together a colourful portfolio. 

Ahhhhh, Fall is finally here again in all its colourful glory. My absolute favourite time of the year, hands down. The humidity and excessive heat is finally gone. We're one step away from winter, I'm hoping it will be a slow progression. It's back to dressing in layers. I got my flu shot; I think I'm ready if it makes an early appearance, so bring it on. 

I had a touchy situation the day before my blood work so I'm hoping my counts haven't gone down. I was blindsided, didn't see it coming, again I got stressed and angry. So, still I am being tested, I'm fighting it with people and things that give me comfort. 

But writing isn't one of them. I have been having a real problem with writer's block, I get half way through something and then read it back and its just a bunch of ramblings. If they were handwritten they would resemble nothing more than chicken scratch. My handwriting used to be a strong point for me in my school days. 

To tell the truth, my mind and time have been taken up by photography. I did complete my first paid photo job, nice! The photos were for a website; they wanted several photos that would rotate at the top of their homepage. I submitted about 200 possibilities for consideration. The project had to do with building strong communities. It can be viewed here.  

I went just over two weeks trying to find things that might work. I found myself in familiar places trying to recreate something I knew I had already taken. Finally I went into my archives and found many of those pictures. It's true what they say - a photo is capturing the moment that can't be caught again. I found this quote on Twitter recently, "Its not what you're looking at, it's what you see". Many times I've walked past things I see and keep going but turn around when it hits me it would make  a good shot. 

I was paid 400 smackers for the job, and I think I did the smart thing -  I put it into another lens for the camera. So now when I head out on a hike I have to pack up the camera with four lenses, a one legged and a three legged tripod, extra batteries and other things I might need for the day. I also carry a Blackberry Playbook so I have my photos with me in case someone might want to see them. You've got to be ready in case another job comes along. I love the digital age, Can you imagine what carrying all those photos would do to my old back? Mind you, what I do carry isn't lightweight. 

Yesterday I was out around the city in places where you find graffiti, thinking I could find more that had homophobic messages for the project we are working on at my ASO (AIDS Service Organization). I walked and walked until it started to get dark. I found five or six items that might help. 

There were no bus stops near where I ended up so I had to hobble home; my ankles couldn't take anymore. I don't have the same problems with neuropathy but the joints aren't what they use to be. The fresh air and exercise was something I did need so it equals out. 

I can't share the graffiti with you, it will be put into a book form and online when its completed but here are some shots I've taken in the last week or two. Because of the weird weather we've had and now we are getting a lot of rain, seems its making the colours in the leaves more vibrant. These pictures show what its like right now, it will get more colourful over the next couple of weeks, can't wait.

This story will continue as I set up to hopefully make some extra cash. Stay tuned.

More pics.

It’s starting to amaze me that with all the positive thinking I have embraced it is now taking me in so many positive directions. Just a few years ago I was stuck in a dead-end factory job, 27 years at one job, and then in 2007 it closed. As my final hours in there were ticking away I had a plan, I had to have. I guess that’s when I started to think positive, I always knew there were things I wanted to do but I became comfortable where I was, I loved that weekly pay cheque. 

As I put my plan into action, I did the work and one thing after another fell into place. A year later, I had gone back to school, learned a whole new job and I was employed again. My health was good, my immune system was still strong enough to fight off HIV, I didn't need to go on medications yet. 

In June 2010, while going through a lot of family stress my blood counts started to drop, so much so that I needed to start treatment. Due to financial conditions and some side effects I was unable to continue working. I wondered what I would do with all my time so I got involved at my AIDS Service Organization and did some volunteering and attended workshops. Then it was suggested I get a hobby. I had always liked photography, I had a basic digital camera so it would have to do. When income tax time came around I got a fairly large return so I put it into a bigger and better one. 

I would venture out on hikes as often as I could and I would get some pretty good pictures - well after I deleted the bad shots and tried it again. (The great thing with digital is the delete mode.)  I took pictures of nature, flowers, the old buildings in my town, graffiti - basically anything that caught my eye. I started showing them on my facebook and I got a flickr.com account and posted there. A site called blogguelph.com saw my photos and asked if they could use some of them in their blogs. In time I met a few other photographers and found other places online to post my photos. 

Fast forward to last month, I was commissioned to submit some photos for a company that is updating their website. I loved the challenge of going out and trying to find something that would suit the type of work this company does. This company used some of my pictures before in a report they did for my ASO, so when we met to discuss what they wanted I thought I knew them well enough. Ideas began to come as to what I could do for them. I have learned through facilitator trainings that you have to know your audience so I think I used that in this case and it worked. I can't wait to see their new site and how it looks. 

I was asked to submit a bio as well so they could give me credit for the photos and include a link to my work on the site. Free advertising, methinks. I say this because now I am looking to make this a part-time job, maybe a business. I plan to look into it, whether to go full into a business or just hire myself out as a freelance photographer. 

Trying to compile all the information as to where my photos were shown or used became a new challenge. I ended up with three pages of comments and reviews from friends, family and even some from people I've never met. 

When I was much younger I did many things wrong, and I paid for it, no amount of positive thinking could bail me out of some of the crap I got myself into. I knew there was a way out of it and I learned that the way wasn't always going to be the easy way. The more I looked for the easy way out and took it I found myself in deeper doo doo. I thought negatively most of the time, the world was out to get m., Why me? 

About a year ago I decided to eliminate "anger" from my life, I didn't want to be angry at people or situations anymore. I read somewhere, "you create or you allow all the things that happen in your life", so I decided I would surround myself with positive people, positive situations. Many people are struggling with much harder situations than I am, I feel guilty sometimes that I have so much support and others don't. Something else I read, "I wish someone would do something and I realized I am somebody". 

So I guess I can say that after 50 some odd years, I grew up, I started to see things more positively and now the things that are meant to happen will fall in place with patience..........except that part where I win the lottery. I try to think positively about that too but......... 

At my last check up was about a week ago, my CD4 count made another large jump from 440 up to 610, it hasn't been that high in maybe 4 years. 

A takeaway message would be, negativity is a subtraction, it takes away from who you are, who you can be. 

My flickr.com page.