I made the decision to get involved in speaking to groups, to tell my story, put a face to HIV/AIDS and to be an advocate to fight HIV stigma. I took the Speaker’s Bureau training and learned there’s no wrong way to tell my story but there is a right way to present it. To get the message out you have to develop skills that help people hear you and hear the message.

I told my story once prior to this training at the University of Guelph. It was a Human Sexuality class with about 100 students in one of those lecture halls. I was a bit nervous. Luckily for me there were two of us and the other person wanted to go first. It wasn't as bad as I thought; I could share as much or as little as I wanted, what I was comfortable with. The class was made aware that there would be time for questions but that I may choose not to answer some of them if they were too personal.

That’s the background. Recently, for two long and gruelling days I had to learn how to break down some barriers to public speaking, how to stand, use body language, speak clearly, and remember tons of do's and don'ts. I really thought I was going to 'ace' this workshop, it wasn't going to be all that bad. It was conducted by PWA (People with AIDS) Foundation out of Toronto.

"Wrong"! As we got into it, I learned a lot about myself that I needed to change if people were going to listen to me and hear what I'm saying.

The class was well attended, I think there were twelve of us and as we proceeded to do the exercises, I could see there were a few others just as nervous as I was. The two facilitators and three of the other participants were long-term survivors who have been telling their story for many years so there was plenty of experience to draw from.

On completion of the course, we were informed that the facilitators would be coming back in about a month to do what they called "Speaker's Idol" – but without Ryan Seacrest. We had that time to put together our story because we would have to tell it to the entire group on that date. It would be a condition of receiving one’s certificate. One other condition was that we would have to go out and do at least four speaks. We would all give feedback to each other and in time the information would be given to us so we can see what we did right or wrong and things to improve on.

So along came "Speaker's Idol”. I had worked on my story for several days, I was confident I was going to do a good job. Well - wrong again. I had a list of things I wanted to go over prior to telling my story and wouldn't you know, I grabbed the wrong sheet of paper off my desk. I sat there as everyone else told their stories, trying to see how it’s done, and trying to remember how to tell my own. I thought of getting it over with right away and be the first but kept chickening out saying, "next, I'll do mine next". I think I was the third last person.

We were supposed to talk for twenty minutes, no longer or we would be told to stop. Man-O-man, was I nervous. How would I fill that much time without my notes. I even chose to sit while I told it, my knees were ready to give out. So many thoughts ran through my head as I started. I did get it out in proper order but it was like a "Reader's Digest" version. I found out I only talked for about twelve minutes. There was a question period after each story so I got to tell a little more that way.

I was asked to tell my story recently, again for some university students that were coming to tour our AIDS Service Organization. Knowing I had to do the four speaks, I saw this as an opportunity to knock one off the list. I really thought I was prepared but, I hate saying this, wrong again.

I am in a small room with about twelve students. Talk about closed-in spaces. I think I prefer the lecture halls more; everyone is so much further away. I mumbled a bit - well maybe more than a bit, and yet again, I didn't talk very long. I opened it up to questions and was able to share more that way.

Yesterday, I get my feedback from "Speaker's Idol". It wasn't all good but I do need to hear it. People were very honest, I was expecting most of the comments. There was one comment that I was just a bit put off by - someone said that I should lose the hat. WHAT? It’s part of me now, I can't do that. It’s like my security blanket.

Some of the highlights were that I came across as honest, straightforward, I used good examples on issues of stigma and disclosure. I also expressed responsibility for my diagnosis and admitted that the other person may not have known he was positive. A few people mentioned that I had a good sense of humour.

On the negative/needs some work side, my voice is too mono-toned, a little too soft spoken. I should have stood up instead of sat. I didn't make eye contact, only with the people across from me. I need more body language, using my hands more. To some I appeared nervous or showed low confidence.

"Lose the hat", oh, I'll never get over that one. Haha!

To summarize it all, I think I did well enough to work on what needs work and proceed to do more speaks. I will be sitting on a panel for our agency in June so I’d better get busy. We are doing a forum on my favourite topic, HIV and aging, I am glad they asked me.

The idea of this little story came to me when I ran into a couple of people I used to work with. I reached out to shake their hands but couldn’t. Their hands were full. Cell phone in one hand, cigarettes and lighter in the other, pockets full of who knows what. So we just did the fist bunt a la Howie Mandel. While we talked for a bit, I noticed them staring at my murse*, not saying anything about it but I could sense the queries by their body language. Let people believe what they want, I had my hands available to be polite and give a proper greeting.

In the ever changing world ruled by technology, we all leave home with our bevy of devices that we just have to have in order to stay connected to everyone in this new "real world". If you write like I do, I have to take my notebook since I have these less than nimble fingers that cramp up trying to text something on a small phone.

I walk most of the time or I take public transit so having my iPod helps drown out all the conversations I’d rather not have to listen to, so add some decent headphones to the list. Then I need my sunglasses, just in case, a pen and notepad, my daytimer and my case for business cards -- oh and some Kleenex.

How do you carry all of these devices and necessities? Well you could put some of them in your coat pockets. Most coats these days have a cellphone pocket, one for the iPod or MP3 player, one for your wallet, two for your hands and gloves. Yes, you could use all of them but then you end up with bulges and rectangle shapes poking out all over not to mention your belly now appears larger than before.

How about your pants pockets? Nothing makes your butt look bigger than having your wallet full of everything except money, bouncing up and down as you walk around. You have these items bulging out from your thighs - and it looks like you have saddle bags.

I was never a fan of those fanny paks! I apologize to anyone who may have one and still uses it, but they are basically obsolete. Most things we need to carry will never fit in them. If you have a belly and try to dress so that no one notices it, that fanny pak will defeat the purpose. Flipping it to the side or to the back will only look worse.

For me, if I am going on a hike to take pictures, I load up a backpack with the camera, a drink, something to munch on, the cellphone, my iPod and anything else I might need. Sometimes I will take it shopping if I’m just picking up a few things. Instead of getting plastic bags from the store, I just put the items in the backpack. It's so much easier to carry. Now the backpack hanging over your shoulders can give the same impression of saddle bags but it's viewed more acceptable by many people.

I have a couple of those shoulder bags - the ones that are made to carry your laptop. They are all nicely padded and have all the extra pockets for pens, your keys, your wallet, and just about anything you may need. I'm always going to workshops or meetings, so it works well carrying all my binders and papers. If I need to just get out of the house for some mental stimulation I will pack up the notebook and head to the coffee shop to write while I enjoy a good cup of coffee

And finally, I have my “Murse” for when I just have a few things to take with me on a night out. People can laugh all they want but I feel I look better and my clothes aren’t doing double duty. After all, first impressions and looking your best are important things

Until they make smaller gadgets again, backpacks, shoulder bags and the murse are here to carry all the ones we have today.

*Murse: man’s pures

There comes a time in life - well for some of us, when we have to eat our words. That old saying, “keep your words short and sweet, you never know when you will have to eat them” rings true and it has for me.

Back in my first year of high school in 1968-69, I had a science teacher who told me computers will some day sit on our desks. He was showing us pictures of a computer that filled an entire room. I tell you, we all laughed. But here I am admitting he was right,

I kept telling people I’d never go on a computer. On the news I would hear how the internet was going to take me to hell, warning me not to give out personal information, people on there were going to steal my identity, even my first born.

Then one day I was given the chance to try it and I was hooked. It was like love at first sight. All the typing I had learned in high school came back and I was typing up a storm in no time.

I have to admit I spent way too much time chatting to people. It became a way of life - wake up and go right online. Twice I got caught by people from other countries saying I was so handsome, we just had to meet.  They would come to Canada and live with me, I just had to flip the bill.

Not everything about the computer was all that bad for me though. I had always been a terminally shy person. I would go to a dance or bar and stand in a corner by myself all night.  I wouldn’t attempt to talk to anyone and no one would approach me. Each night I’d go home alone. If I could kick my own ass, I would have - many times. But when I found I could talk to people over the internet, it made it easier to arrange to meet people. No more awkwardness.

So here I am today, finding my way in this new big thing, social media. I started to write blogs for my local ASO, I work facebook a little and I’m all over twitter, I’m really big at retweeting.

It truly is amazing how social media works. You tweet something and it can be spread around the world in seconds. I’m enjoying what I’m doing and the people I’m connecting with. So many great people out there working to get all of us through this HIV/AIDS thing.

I’ve said this before, the HIV community works so well together - straights, gays and transgendered people getting along with no drama - yet another thing the rest of the world can learn from us.

I should sign off. They are waiting for me to submit this article. I have one quick thanks going out to Q-ball, my grade nine science teacher, that’s what we called him. In a time when we all wanted long hair, he had a shaved head, and it wasn’t a well shaped head.

The toipc of HIV and aging keeps coming up more often as the HIV community gets older and lives longer. I am now one of the over-50 crowd that should take note of the fact we are going to live to a ripe old age. Now, everytime I hear something about HIV and aging, I pay attention.

In workshops I've attended I've met people who have lived 25 to 30 years with HIV/AIDS. They tell stories of how they were told to put their affairs in order, they would die within months, maybe a year. There were times when they were so sick, practically on death's door, only to bounce back and continue the fight. Many would get very emotional talking about watching their friends get sicker and pass. Some of them have lost more than a hundred friends and acquaintances over the years. Quite often I heard, "why am I still here"?

Last month our agency held a workshop on HIV and aging that looked at starting over. The subject matter dealt with financial and career planning, retirement, your Living Will, finding a Power of Attorney, relationships and living arrangements. When, back then, people were told they were going to die, many sold off their homes and property and used the money to really live before they died. Now, decades later, some have returned to the work force and others are finding they have time to learn new skills and go back to work.

Something I would like to see more information on are the health issues attributed to HIV and aging. There may have been other articles on this subject but the one that stood out for me was by Susan Pigg of the Toronto Star (link) and her article titled "When HIV moves into nursing homes." 

Toronto’s HIV/AIDS experts and activists are growing increasingly alarmed by “a hidden epidemic” — infected people who have lived decades longer than anyone imagined and are being hit with a host of aging illnesses in their 30s, 40s and 50s. They include dementia, cardiovascular and liver disease, cancers, diabetes, osteoporosis, emphysema and kidney problems

This article also speaks of long time survivors who are aging faster than people who don't have the virus, perhaps 10 - 20 years faster. This equation, I believe, was compiled by a medical research group, based on the abuse we do to our bodies and the medications that affect our organs after many years. Some days, I swear I know what it feels like to be 70 years old and I'm only 57.

The biggest concern I have is that there may come a time when I am not able to care for myself. I know I wouldn't want to burden my family members or friends to have to take care of me. This means going into some sort of long-term care facility. I’ve worked in those places and I know that not many of them are places I would want to be. I worked as a Personal Support Worker and when I took my course, the section on HIV/AIDS was one paragraph in the book. We learned about universal precautions, working with each patient/resident as if they could have HIV, but there were some in the class that said they didn't feel they could work with someone with AIDS. There definitely needs to be more education in that part of the healthcare system; long-term care facilities are not ready for us.

When I do put my affairs in order, I’ll be setting up a "secondary decision maker" to make sure my healthcare is what I want to live with.

One thing I can't wait for is becoming a little grumpy old man someday! It could be so much fun.

PositiveLite adds: Aging has been one hot topic on this site. Look at these back-posts for a variety of additional perspectives:

Seniors’ housing issues here.

Gen Silent, a movie about lgbt seniors here.

HIV and aging health issues here .

Mark S King on aging with HIV here .

From the OHTN research conference, standards of care for aging HIV patients here and here .

Amy Justice and a large study of aging HIVers, their issues and neurological impairment here.

Brian Finch on HANDS

I recently started my twenty-first year being out of the closet. Yaaaay! It was a new start to my life, back on the dating scene, but where to look? Twenty-one years later, why am I still single?. Friends and family tell me I'm a really nice guy and many other positive things that I should feel great about. Always the friend, never the boyfriend, it seems.

Before there were all these internet chat-rooms and dating sites, we had a telephone line that we could place an ad on and then wait for responses. It was supposed to be the best thing to happen since newspaper ads (remember those?). I gave it the old try and I regret almost every minute I wasted on it. Many times I would go to meet someone; they had said they would wear a certain piece of clothing or be driving a particular vehicle, only to find that there was no one that fit that description at all. I made it a point toreally look around me, try to see if anyone was just scoping me out and leaving if they didn't like what they saw.

Sometimes I would be invited to a guy's home, only to be disappointed to see that the person didn't look anything like they described. One guy in particular described himself as"fit, work out 4 times a week, 32-inch waist, blah blah blah". I showed up and yes, it looked like he did lift weights; he had very muscular upper arms, and he may have been wearing 32-inch waist pants but they were tucked under his 40-plus waistline.

I asked one guy how he could mislead someone in to to driving for an hour to his place and not be the person in the description. His response? "Well we could still do something if you want, no sense going home without getting something." Ummmm . What?

I am a firm believer in "it’s what’s inside that counts" but when you are dishonest, that is a real turn off that has nothing to do with what you look like. For me, what else is this person lying about? STI's? HIV status?

I wishI had a dollar for every time I heard, "I'm not just looking for sex, I'm looking for a long-term relationship". We end up in bed right away and I would wake up the next morning to hear, "I'm really not sure what I want".

Then along came the internet, first with its "Mirc", "icq". It was a little better you could actually chat with people and get a fasterer response to your search. You were immediately made aware of your competition - and that’s exactly what it was. You had to click or no one chatted back. If you were new to the site, you were the "new meat", everyone wanted to meet you. Sending your picture was a must though, and just like the telephone line, people would send one that was 20=years old or it was of someone else.

The next big things to come along were MSN chat-rooms (from, I think it was, Microsoft Messenger). With this venture I decided I would sit back, see how it works and not expect too much. As it turned out, it was much the same old thing - a "meat market" where you had to click, had to be hot, someone everyone else wanted. I made several friends from there and we are still friends all these years later. What we did was set up "get-togethers" in different areas, get people off the computers and come out and say hello and see where things could go. It was sad that they had to close those rooms because in other areas of the system there were a lot of predators targeting kids.

The MSN chat-rooms were my last fun place to visit on the internet. I have been into many other sites but find them to be not for me. I don't fit in, and I don't want to have to change to fit in. I'm not going to slam any one site but there are some that have people who spend way too much time in them; they think they own the place, try to control the chats and put down anyone that doesn't agree with them. On one site, I thought some guys were my friends, but I made a blanket comment on a subject and people took it that I meant my HIV status should be made public.

I have found two very good sites POZIAM and hivchat.org.  I like them because they are for people who are HIV-positive or HIV-friendly. They are sites that are monitored and kept drama free. There are people on them from around the world, all ages and all sexual preferences. They are safe places where straights and gays actually get along. I have found the HIV community, to be one of the safest places on the planet; we're all in this together, we all work together.

So, yes I am still single, I am hopeful. I think the right person for me is in a bad relationship with someone else!

Oh, and I'm not hot.......but I warm up real quick.

On April 21st 2003, I was on my way out the door to see my dentist when the phone rang. It was my doctor wanting me to go in and get the

results of my blood-work. I asked him "can you just give them to me over the phone because this damn tooth has to come out......today!"

He told me he isn't allowed to give them to me over the phone but if I couldn't make it, then, "your HIV test, it came back positive."

All I could say was, "oh!" but in my mind, I was saying, "at least he didn't say cancer." Then he told me he would make me an appointment for me to see some other doctor, I was like ...... "Ohkay"!

To this day, hearing those words hasn't frightened me at all. I knew people who were HIV positive. I know a couple that, when they met, one was positive and the other was negative. They remain that way to this day, so I knew I could meet someone and have a normal life. I knew too that I wouldn’t die from HIV, that it wasn't a death sentence. I knew this wasn’t the “80’s and that there were medications for it.

When I met with the new doctor, he ordered the HIV test to be done again because the counts were at undetectable levels and this could thus be a false positive. But the next test came back the same, so it was clear I had HIV. He told me that because I was undetectable, he wouldn't be putting me on any medications, that it might be ten years before I would need them. Before I left his office he ordered some other blood-work, shots for this and tests for that, I had a feeling I was about to become a pin cushion. They put that strap around my arm so long it was going numb.

I knew that sooner or later I would have to tell everyone who was close to me, I also knew I wanted to tell them. I just had to find a way to do it without scaring them or thinking that I'm going to die. The first person I told was a close friend and then I told a couple other friends. When it came to family, there were only a few that I could tell, others didn't need to know. Telling my mother was the toughest of them all. She was very supportive when I finally told her I was gay but when I told her I was HIV positive, her response was, "I'm very disappointed!

It was then that I finally felt something. It was like a kick in the gut. But after she had said it, I had to agree with her, and admit "I'm disappointed in me too". I should have known better, I had all the information.

Why wasn't I angry - at the disease or at the person who passed it on to me? 1 thought about how I could have been infected. Tthe only thing that came close to being a risk factor was the tooth--that damned tooth. It should have come out months before. It would flare up and ache badly, I'd fight the pain, it would go away,only to come back again. Oral sex may be in the lowest risk category but not in these circumstances. Add some low self esteem issues, too much alcohol and a side order of reckless behaviour and I had created the perfect situation to get HIV. The only way I could feel was “responsible”. I guess that is how I have been dealing with it ever since - accepting my responsibility.

So tomorrow I will wake up, it will continue to be just another day. Me -- living with HIV.

“I have HIV, HIV doesn't have me.” I live by this mantra but I can’t take credit for it. I heard it from someone else but I don’t have permission to mention his name here, so again I thank him for saying it