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Positively Dating

Positively Dating

S. Anthony better known as Positively Dating is a 35 year old HIV positive single gay man living in New York City. Any one of those would be daunting on their own, but adding them all together makes for quite an interesting dating life. He sends his trials and tribulations out through the web not only to help spark a dialog that we are desperately missing but to help with the stigmas about being HIV positive that are put on us from other people and more importantly the stigmas that we put on ourselves. Also it gives him an outlet to rant about his dating woes.

You can also find him on his own website/blog

Sep13

Let’s Play Doctor: A Provincetown Adventure

Tuesday, 13 September 2011 Written by // Positively Dating Categories // Positively Dating

Positively dating has been on vacation – and on the prowl. In this tell-all installment, we find who he snared – or rather who snared him, while he was down in Provincetown. And how the disclosure thing panned out.

I don’t know how he does it. When I woke up this morning there was this insanely handsome, six foot three man lying nude in my bed. With perfect hair. Seriously with perfect hair. How does that happen?

I had to do the oh-so-fun-get-up-ten-minutes-before-he-does-brush-my-teeth-and-try-to-calm-that-damn-cowlick–before-he-wakes-up routine while he was lying there, sound asleep and looking perfect with Ken doll hair. Did he get up ten minutes before I did to fix his hair and clean those ever so lovely eye boogies that I always forget to remove? He must have.

Wait – I should back up a bit.

As soon as I arrived in Provincetown, Massachusetts, I picked up my key, hopped on my bike and rode to the beach. Ahhh, I felt like a new man. Thank god for the healing power the sun, my complexion started looks amazing! 

The next morning my friend Brian, from Philadelphia, came into town and our next couple days went pretty much like this: Biking in the morning, laying on the beach all afternoon, then off to tea dance and finally out dancing. I may or may not have gone way off my diet and ate pizza, burgers, French fries, cookies, ice cream and deep fried macaroni and cheese balls. I may or may not have been in other beds besides my own. And I may or may not have peed in the ocean. So what, who cares I am on vacation!

On our nights out on the town, I noticed more and more people that I knew from both Philadelphia and New York. And by “knew” I mean that I have either dated or slept with. They were everywhere. It was like Ptown knew I was coming and held a convention of all my ex-flings. Complete with speakers, presentations, and even some home videos. I was so touched!

Note to self: you are a floozy when you go to another state and you are inundated by more than a handful of your past flings.

One night, Brian and I were dancing at the A House (which stands for The Atlantic House and not any other variation of which you may or may not have been thinking) and all of a sudden this extremely tall and extremely handsome man starts dancing next to me. Brian, the good friend that he is, did the my-friend-met-a-boy-I-best-not-be-a-cock-block-dance out of there.

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As we danced, we tried to make chit chat but I couldn’t hear him at all. I could barely make out that his name was Chris. I don’t know if it was because of his height and sound has problems traveling that far down or if it was that he was one of those dreaded soft talkers. I lead Chris off the dance floor and prayed that it was just because of the thumpa thumpa of the music.

Hand in hand we walked onto the back patio of the bar and there we stayed for another hour conversing. No soft talker was he, thank god! As we talked, I couldn’t stop staring at him. He was way too attractive. Seriously. Tall dark and handsome with the most perfect blue green eyes and a hefty laugh. What more do you need? Then he tells me that he too is from New York City and to seal the proverbial deal he says those four little words that would make my surrogate Jewish mother so happy: “I am a doctor.” A doctor! Forget Disney World, Provincetown is where my dreams really do come true!

As our conversation continued he slyly mentions that he has his own room and puts his hand on the small of my back. I played it coy and pretended I didn’t understand his meaning. I did not want this just to be some meaningless tryst. In my mind, I saw our romance bridge the gap from the dance floor down the east coast all the way to New York City where we are destined to get married (which we can do now), live in a charming little walk-up in the West Village with a our dog Bebe and play doctor for eternity.

All my long term dreams went out the window when he kissed me. My only thought was: Lets gets out of here, but my place is closer!

I knew I had to do the deed, so I pulled apart from another nearly perfect kiss, looked up into his blue-green eyes and said, “I would really like you to come over, but before anything happens you must know that I am HIV positive.” As I felt his hands withdraw a little and my heart sunk a little. Then he put on his best doctor’s face on and said:

“Well, that definitely changes what I had plan for us tonight. But I still wouldn’t be against getting naked and cuddling.”

Getting naked and cuddling? Isn’t that just sex? I was confused. But since he was a doctor and knows best, I acquiesced.

We did get naked. We did cuddle. We did not have sex. This was all fine. To be honest, this allowed us to actually talk and to - what is that called? – oh yes, get to know each other.

When I woke up, I got us both a cup of coffee, some muffins and came back to the room and there he was with the most perfect hair. I was completely amazed by the perfectness of that hair. After failing miserably at trying to tame my own cowlick, I joined him in bed. We talked and cuddled a little more. He then gathered his belongings and left before the streets were filled with tourists to notice his evening clothes.

In the end, he gave me his number and told me to keep in touch. I am hopeful we will meet each other again in New York for a proper date and have the chance to play doctor; I mean, I have the lab coat and a stethoscope in my closet waiting to be put to good use! But somewhere in the back of my usually optimistic mind I feel as though my HIV status may have been too much for this doctor to handle and that unfortunately this will be the last time I see him and his perfect post almost-coital hair.

Sep02

Earthquakes and Hurricanes and Acne, Oh My

Friday, 02 September 2011 Written by // Positively Dating Categories // Positively Dating

Positiveley Dating, on the eve of his vacation to Provincetown, finds that natural disasters aren’t confined to the earth around us. They are even invading his body!

Disclaimer: This is not about boys, sex, or looking for either. I am sorry to disappoint anyone. This is about vanity - pure and simple. We all fall victim to vanity from time to time – and you know I’m right!

In preparation for my birthday trip to Ptown, I have been hitting the gym a little more vigorously than usual. Weightlifting in the morning, cardio at lunch, and if I still can move I try to attend a yoga class in the evening. I do this living purely on a liquid diet. And no, not the type that we have when we arrive at Ptown - I have been living on protein shakes. I understand that this is a little extreme, but as someone who was an overweight kid and still has body image issues because of it, it's what I do. I always joke that when I go on vacation, I will be passed out in a corner from overexertion and unable to move for the entire trip but I won't care because damnit, my abs will look insane!

Last Tuesday, after coming back from lunch (aka my second workout of the day), I sat at my desk and slammed down my protein shake. I was ever so pleased with myself and my dedication to my cause. All of a sudden I thought I was going to faint. Did I work out too hard? Have I been working out too much? Do I actually need to eat something? No, it was the world around me that started to became slightly unstable. We were having an earthquake! Wait, an earthquake in New York City? In the end, it was really nothing to be worried about, but at the time we were shaken up a bit by it.

A mere two days after the mini-earthquake, we received warnings of a hurricane sweeping up the eastern coast. By Friday, MTA (Manhattan Transit Authority) took a preemptive move and decided to shut down all subway and bus services at noon on Saturday until the storm cleared. I was pissed. My friends and I planned a bar hopping extravaganza in the east village on Saturday night for my birthday! Completely canceled. Even worse, most of my friends live in other boroughs so I would be stuck in Queens - on my birthday weekend - alone! Yes, I did have The West Wing, Grindr, and a bottle of wine to keep me company, but it's so not the same.

On my way home from work on Friday night I stopped off at the local grocery store to buy some snacks. I know this breaks my diet, but I figured steamed edamame couldn't hurt. I stood in line for what felt like three hours while the old lady in front of me bought enough canned goods for her and the third world country she must be keeping in her basement!  

Saturday morning came I did some errands and I ran to the gym before it closed. It was packed! As I sat there, between sets, I started to notice that I had quite a break out on my face. I am used to getting the occasional ingrown hair or a random pimple, but this was insane! I looked like a greasy teenager. Between bicep curls, I started to count them. In honor of my 35th birthday, I have received almost 35 blemishes! Yes, these are the problems that plague my world. Don’t judge. As I was hyperventilating and an inch from tears, (almost crying at the gym!), I noticed a couple more sprouting up. Are you kidding me? I was so upset that I had to leave. Leave the gym?!? Yes, it was that bad.

By Sunday morning the storm was gone by the zits were here to stay. Two of them stood out a little more than the others. Harold: he resides at the bottom right corner of my lips and Carl on the upper part of my right cheek. Acerbated by my uncontrollable need to pick at them, they started to grow. In rebellion of my attacks, Harold now looks like remnants from a cold sore and Carl has unfortunately started to look like a lesion. Oh no, what have I done!

As I woke up on my birthday, my new found friends held their ground and have decided not to go anywhere. I normally wouldn't have been so crushed by them overstaying their welcome, but my vacation is in two days!!

As I was leaving for work I checked my phone and got a text message from two of my best friends: Liz, a college friend and Samantha, my former work wife. They both sent me birthday wishes and of course I had to start complaining about how I was losing the war with my complexion. Samantha in her infinite wisdom said "Just walk around Ptown with your shirt off. I assure you, no one will notice your blemishes!!" While this might be true, this advice did nothing for my current mental state.

Liz replied in a slightly different manner. Actually, she didn't reply at all. She posted to my Facebook wall: "Happy Birthday, you fresh-faced teenager, you." This made me laugh harder than I had laughed in days. This laughter helped me to put the absurdity of me being completely distraught over something so ridiculous in perspective.

Who cares if I am riddled with spots all over my face for my vacation? I will just play the pity card and hopefully boys will find me attractive. Like Esmeralda and Quasimodo. Or Christine and The Phantom of the Opera. Or all the young Hollywood starlets and Jack Nicholson!

Aug25

This Bed is Too Soft. This Bed is Too Hard.

Thursday, 25 August 2011 Written by // Positively Dating Categories // Positively Dating

A new chapter in Positively Dating’s saga of finding the right man in the very big city.. And the latest news is – Asher gets a second chance!

Sitting on my couch, incapacitated by a summer cold and watching more Jane Austen than any gay can handle, I received a couple text messages from Asher.  

            "How are you?" 

            "We should hang out again. Possibly a date?"

At first I didn't answer them. I don't know why. Really, the only thing that I gave me pause about Asher, outside of his name, was that he comes from money. Lots of money! This is no reason not to date someone. In fact, this is the reason that many people actually start dating, for the money! But, no Anna Nicole am I.

To be clear, Asher never acted any differently because of his financial background. He never tried to impress me with tales of his assets. He only tried to impress me with his tail. But for some reason, being with someone of more means makes me quite uncomfortable.

I don't know if it was because I was hopped up on cold medicine or was jonesing for a date after my hiatus that I decided to stop worrying so much about the money and agreed to a second date. Well, we shouldn't really call it a second date. We didn't have much of a first date. Unless you call an encounter from a gentlemen's socializing network a first date. I know that some of you do, and so will I!

So, after the spigot that was my nose finally got back to normal, we made plans to meet up. He invited me over to his apartment again. I questioned if this was going to be a really real date or just another hook up? Either way is fine, I am easy like that.

On the day before our date he texted me: "I cannot wait to see you again." Well, maybe this was a really real date, maybe he really does like me-like me like that… And maybe I need to get out of the 4th grade.

The first time we met, Asher answered the door wearing his underwear. He certainly looked fantastic, but true love was obviously not on his mind. This time he opened the door wearing a very sleek black button down shirt, grey slacks and extremely shiny dress shoes. He looked sharp! Clearly I was right in thinking that this time wasn’t just a hook-up. With my mindset in check I was ready to continue.

We made chit-chat as he made me a drink. We sat on his couch, he pulled me close and started to kiss me. I was a little shocked. I wasn't expecting this off the bat. But what the hell, I went with it.

I guess I was wrong about it being a real date. I was wrong - twice.

In the aftermath we started to talk. We seemed to have missed this crucial part of dating during our first tryst. I do understand that this act typically happens before any carnage, but I have always been an over achiever. I don't know if it was the age or the monetary difference, but as we started to talk I realized that we had absolutely nothing in common. Though, we did both have mind blowing orgasms… Does that count?

So I ask the question: Is sex enough? Is amazing sex paired with large amounts of money enough? Wow - that makes me sound like a rent boy, but you know what I mean!

This situation got me thinking of Josh  and the fact that not having good sex was my deal breaker. Josh and I had so much in common, but we were not compatible horizontally. Now, Asher and I don't have anything in common but the sex is way off the charts. How does this happen?

Am I too picky? Am I too fickle? Why do I sound like Goldilocks?!? You know what, I don't care. I think we all have to try a good number of beds (two, three, or eighty – hey, I don’t judge!) until we find the owner that is just right!

Asher might not be the exact right fit for me and that’s ok. But until I find it, Asher just might be the perfect fit for being the perfect FB

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Aug18

Trying to Let Things Go

Thursday, 18 August 2011 Written by // Positively Dating Categories // Positively Dating

Positively Dating reflects on a year of living in New York City, a big birthday, and his upcoming vacation plans in boy town?

For the past week and a half, I have been out of commission. No dates. No nothing. Before your imagination runs wild, it's not because I found creepy crawlers in my nether regions… And no, I didn’t throw my back out in some crazy ménage à trois with a midget and a leather daddy.

Alas, I had the dreaded summer cold.

I spent the bulk of my time on my couch, snotty, trying to recover while watching romantic period dramas. As I watched Jane Austen’s Persuasion I couldn’t help to feel sorry for poor Anne Elliot. She was chastised as a spinster at age twenty-seven. This got me dreading my own impending birthday. I will be thirty-five in two weeks. THIRTY FIVE! I am not one who typically cares about my age. Mostly because people still think I am in my mid-twenties. Well, at least I hope they still do! To be honest, I would rather be my age now than any other age. Even though I feel much more secure in who I am, I cannot help going down the list of accomplishments that I haven't begun to achieve.

Like most of the gay population that moves to New York, I came to audition more. Yes, I have dreams of gracing the great white way! While in Philadelphia, I did a lot work as an actor and had some really great opportunities, but sadly I have not kept up with it. So, as I move towards the fall - of the year not of my life - My first goal is to get new headshots and get my ass on that stage again!

Don't get me wrong, I realize I have done a lot this past year: I got my very own apartment in New York City (ok, its in Astoria, but it still counts); I fell into some really great friendships; taken up yoga; became highly sought after in my “day job”; and started a blog so I can kiss and tell. But most importantly, I have fully accepted my HIV status.

My recent self-reflection/self-medicated stint on the couch also provided time to think about the fact that I moved to New York to have a wider dating pool. Sometimes going out in Philadelphia was like watching a parade of your ex boyfriends - complete with marching bands, floats, and clowns. That sight really put a damper on any of the evening’s activities. I have been in New York City for over a year now and while I have had one mini relationship, I haven’t had anything with much substance.

I don’t know if it is the Virgo in me that makes me judge myself to these lists of what I have or have not done, but I need to let these ideals go. Practicing yoga has taught me to take things as they come and not try to force them. When I was in kindergarten I was that kid that would hammer the shit out of the round peg to make it fit into the square hole. Take that imagery as you will, but somehow I don't think that will work for dating. In any event, I think I have decided that I need not to try so hard in finding my Mr. Right. Like they say in yoga when you stretch or like they say when you are having – well, you know; you have to breathe into it. That is what I need to do, take a breath. I am not saying that I am going to stop dating or stop trying to find the proverbial “him”. No, no, no, I just take it (and the boys) as they come.

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For my birthday, I am sending myself to Provincetown, Massachusetts the week around Labor Day. Ptown is one of my favorite places to visit. Not because of the abundance of gay boys that flock there, but for the amazing New England landscape. Oh hell, who am I kidding? The landscape of the boys is a main reason for anyone to go there!

Maybe it is there that I will learn to let things go a little. Maybe I will come back with some interesting stories to share and maybe one of those a stories will have a midget and a leather daddy.

 

Aug11

I Require So Much!

Thursday, 11 August 2011 Written by // Positively Dating Categories // Positively Dating

So Josh is history. Meet Matt and Asher – but only briefly. Meanwhile, Positively Dating says dating is hard.

As I venture out into the world of dating, I would like to reiterate the very first line that I'd written: Dating is hard!

Outside of the actual act of dating, which comes with its own set of challenges, meeting people is hard. Especially in this concrete jungle that I call home. When I do meet a person who is think is worthy of my attention, either they aren't interested in me or I lose interest in them. So, I say again: Dating is Hard!

Wait….maybe I shouldn't complain, I have had two dates since the end of Josh.

Suitor number one, Matt, is product from one of my daily visits to OkCupid. Every exchange we had was chock full of bad typos and heinous grammatical mistakes. I decided to overlook those because to put it plainly, he was hot. It is shameful to say, that my penis was in charge of this decision. Don't judge, we've all been there. Let me explain: he bikes, plays softball and competes in triathlons. He also has bright red hair and deep blue eyes that make me swoon. I was helpless.

We met for drinks at a hot spot in Hell's Kitchen. Matt was fun and full of bravado. I am pretty sure he is a fading party boy. Which was the first turn off. Then he started to hammer me with question after question. "Give me five descriptive words that your friends would use to describe you. What would be your perfect day, If you were having a dinner party and you could invite anyone dead or alive, who would it be?"

Seriously? I just wanted to have a conversation and see how things evolve. I didn't even think to bring my number two pencil. Then I found out that I was his first OkCupid date. It all became clear. He was a online dating virgin and I was his first. I smiled, cause you will always remember your first. After spending the entirety of our date, I am not sure if he is more than good looks and a large personality. To be honest, I am not really sure if care to find out.

So on to suitor number two.

I met Asher on my favorite gentleman's socializing network: Grindr. I actually met him before my mini affair with Josh began and I thought he would be a good pallet cleanser. I should have realized that he has more money in his bank account that I will ever see in my entire life when he told me his name was Asher and when I saw that his last name appears with a couple of roman numerals attached to it.

He invited me over to his upper eastside apartment on a Sunday afternoon. Ok, this wasn't a traditional date, it was more of a tryst, but who cares! When I walked into his apartment I had to stifle my gasp: stunning art donned the walls and baby grand piano was situated in the living room right under a crystal chandelier. Needless to say I felt completely out of my element.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Asher was much more attractive than his photos. I know, that that is a rarity, but it does happen. He looked like a slightly younger Dennis Quaid, yet again, I was helpless. He is also HIV positive, which made the "telling" all the more easy. But like a lot of other HIV positive men I have encountered, he wanted to practice unsafe sex. I made it quite evident to him that if there was no glove, there would be no love! He acquiesced and after our second go around, he got up and went to the piano and started to play. I have to admit that this got me a little.

Asher was sweet, kind and most importantly, he didn't act like he had money. Still I am tentative to start anything with him. Even though the sex was good (who am I kidding, it was great), I will always feel weird about the money issues. I can never be a kept boy. Could I? No.

Thinking of my two suitors, and of Josh, has me comparing myself again to Miss Marianne Dashwood:

            "The more I know of the world, the more am I convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!"

Aug03

On the Same Page

Wednesday, 03 August 2011 Categories // Positively Dating

The continuing adventures of Positively Dating, looking for love in New York City. In this new episode both he and new pal Josh come to the same conclusion. Namely, that it’s not working.

Josh and I were trucking along. We brought our friends together for a group outings We had our own inside jokes, like naming my apartment Auschwitz  and dubbing his apartment Philadelphia (and not because I used to live there).

As we spent more and more time together, I hoped that my complete admiration for him would turn into something more substantial. Alas, it did not. I wish I could blame not having that head over heels feeling on not enjoying my heels over my head with him, but it wasn’t that. Or maybe I should say, it wasn’t just that. There was an absence of butterflies. I tried - hard as I could - to deny these feelings, because I wanted it to work with him, I really did. But finally, I gave into the realization that Josh wasn’t the one for me.

The next day I started to write him an email. Later that afternoon, when I finished my sixteenth draft of the “I like you, but I don’t like you like you” email; I decided that it would be best to say this in person. I would really love to maintain a friendship with Josh, but ending it via email would be in bad taste. Unfortunately, since we both have crazy schedules, sending an email might be the only option. I wanted to make sure that I was making the right decision, so I took a few days to mull it over.

When I woke up, three days later, I knew that it was the right decision. I also knew that if I didn’t send the email right then, I might lose my nerve. So I bit the bullet, opened my MacBook, logged into my email account. I was surprised to find an email from Josh patiently waiting for me in my inbox.

“It has been awhile since we've been in contact and I hope that you are doing alright.  Clearly, some distance has come between us and I understand that I am partly responsible for it.  Still, I want to let you know that I think you are one of the special ones: kind, intelligent, sexy, interesting.  I feel lucky to have gotten the opportunity to get to know you.  While things do seem to have cooled off between us, it's important to me that you know this.”

What? I did a double take and had to read the email again. Does he always have to be the good guy? That email was the perfect casual breakup email I have ever read or written. I didn't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or to be upset that I couldn't right something as eloquent as that.

I sent a reply thanking him for his kind words. I could've sent him a response as if I had no intention on ending it myself, but I did not. I told him that I was about to send him a very similar email. Thank god he would never see it because in comparison, mine read as if it was written by a kindergartner in crayons, complete with backward letters and inverted sentences. We corresponded for a while, both happy that we were on the same page and vowed to remain friends. Who knows if we will, but I will keep my fingers crossed.

For some reason, later that day I felt weird about that whole exchange. One might even say I felt sad. I know, I KNOW that I was about to send him the same email and that I was iffy about him from the beginning, but nevertheless I felt a little sad. I don’t think that I was sad about the end of our relationship, but sad at the end of a relationship. It was nice to have someone to do things with. It was nice to share intimate moments with. It was nice not having to worry about when to disclose my HIV status and dealing with the everyday ignorance of people. Now I have to start all over again.

So, I reluctantly go back to complete singlehood. It is time to dust off my OkCupid, Grindr and yes, even my Manhunt account.

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