Online dating is tricky. One might even say it is akin to going on a blind date. At least with the latter you are being set up by friends who hopefully have your best interests at heart and not by a random computer equation. It can be quite surprising when X + Z = Y actually solves in your favor.
A major problem with online dating is creating your own profile. It can be overwhelming. You must sound articulate, funny, adventurous, and sexy. It usually takes me at least four drafts before I am remotely satisfied with how I come across. As we all know, there are many MANY people that do not take that sense of pride, or anal retentiveness, in their profiles. I have one thing to say to you budding online daters: Spell Check. To be honest, all that can be over looked with some great photos; it's shameful but true.
The only thing worse than the creation of a profile is trying to decipher other people’s profiles. One thing we have to remember when starting online dating is that people lie. People lie about themselves so much it can be like reading a good novel. Don’t get me started on photo selection. Let me only say that more often than not, people pick photos that lie for them. That is why going on first dates set up by the binary system always gives me agita. (Ed: fancy name for heartburn.)
When awaiting a computer match, I am so full of anticipation that I start chanting: “No whammies, no whammies. Stop!” And, inevitably, as soon as I see my bewildered bachelor, I hear “Wah wah wah.” That’s right, I just got a whammy. Since my time in New York, I have had some whammies and some WHAMMIES. Very rarely have I actually hit the jackpot.
One morning, in a desperate need to connect, I started chatting with an incredibly hot guy on Grindr. Instead of going right for the gold, we both only wanted to talk. Yes, its true – only talk. We chatted throughout the entire day. We actually chatted for the next four days.We exchanged witty banter, delved into each other’s past and I even told him that I am HIV positive. It was like we had our first, second and third date without actually-physically meeting.
When the time came for our date, I was so excited. I wasn’t worried that those crazy cartoon whammies would make a mockery of my date. I was sure that he was a jackpot. That’sanother example of the hubris of the young.
As soon as I watched him saunter up to me, I heard that dreaded “Wah, wah, wah!” and those cute but oh so annoying cartoon creatures came into vision. Let’s just say, his pictures were slightly out of date. That was fine, I can deal with that.What I couldn’t deal with was that he tried way too hard to impress me - almost as soon as he started to talk, his proverbial purse came out.
As we sat down for dinner, he insisted on ordering for me, all the while rambling through a list of famous people he has worked for.He then had a conversation with the owner of the restaurant that lasted almost the entire length of our stay. I wasn’t sure if I should consider this rude or a gift from the heavens. The restaurant comped our meals. He then threw down a hundred dollar bill as a tip, but made sure I was watching so I could see him in all of his glory.
I did the only thing that I could do, I made-up some inane reason that I had to go home “Where do you live?” he asked.My response: “I live in Astoria, Queens.” His expression changed to that of one who just “smelt it” but hadn’t “dealt it”, and replied, “Oh.” He was completely fine with me being HIV positive, but apparently living in Queens was a deal breaker. On the way back to unimpressive Queens, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at what had just transpired.
Ever since that particular incident, I am weary about my expectations when it comes to online dating. That is why when I fell into the same pattern of having amazing conversations for days with a new guy on OkCupid last week, I was ever so tentative about actually meeting him. So I did what every good dater does, I told him that the only time that I could meet him was for an hour right before I had to meet my friends at the theatre.
I waited outside the bar for his imminent arrival and I knew that those pesky whammies were waiting in the wings to make their entrance and ruin my evening. When I caught a glimpse of him turning the corner, there was no “Wah wah..” and there were definitely no whammies. Hmmmm? Jackpot, maybe.
I was surprised that I was actually having a good time with him. As good if not better than our many conversations online. We talked about all of our favorite things and then all of a sudden there it was…“Wah wah wah…” But this time it was by no doing of his, but rather my own. It was time for me to leave.Unlike those good daters, my plans for after were not fake ones that I could pretend to blow off if I happened to enjoy his company. Nope, mine were really real plans that I couldn’t miss.
As we got up to leave he commented that it was ok that I had to go, because now he had time to volunteer for the Trevor Project. Are you kidding me? Cute, smart, funny, and he volunteers!?!
When we said our goodbyes, he grabbed and kissed me but I really had to go. I was already late. I couldn’t even linger with that almost perfect kiss. As I walked away I was surrounded by those devilish whammies that taunted me the entire way to the theatre.
Well, at least I made it through to the next level, keep your fingers crossed that I won't be eliminated and that I get the chance to make it to the bonus round.