I met Brian at an HIV support group I used to attend. After the meeting we shared some conversation which led to complete laughter and comedy about the group, which led us to hang out more.

It wasn't long before I invited him to go out on a photo safari and through the magic of photography we've become pretty close. However the friendship is not like any other friendship I share with my other friends.  Brian is gay and HIV positive and my close circle of friends is straight and HIV negative. Our friendship is unique and comes with plenty of challenges, but as is the case with anything worth keeping in my life, Brian is both special and dear to me. I thought it would be very cool to interview him so he could share a small part of his awesome story with my readers.

Kengi: What's up Brian? Thanks so much agreeing to this interview. 

Brian: Thank you for asking me. I'm very excited about it.

Kengi: So, you've been living with HIV for 12 years and sober for 3 years, but things have not always been as they are now. You've had to fight many things to get where you are today. Tell our readers just a little about that.

Brian: Yes, that is true, but to be honest I lived in denial of my HIV for ten years or more. I've been able to break the cycle of denial as a result of being clean and sober for three years.

Kengi: Now when you were diagnosed with HIV, you were also diagnosed with diabetes as well, right?

Brian: Yes, that is true. Currently I'm taking oral medications and by changing my diet as well as getting proper exercise, I hope to one day stop taking these oral medications.

Kengi: I recall you saying that for a while you hid behind your diabetes diagnosis and HIV was something you would take with you to your grave. Why was that?

Brian: The day I was diagnosed I decided right then and there that I would never tell anyone .I was not going to be associated in any way with HIV.That would be the ultimate secret that I take to my grave. Diabetes was my disease and I would use it to explain any illness or other conditions.

Kengi: How much does your sobriety play a role in your HIV diagnoses?

Brian: It plays a huge role. If I wasn't for my sobriety I'm pretty sure I'd still be in denial about HIV, I wouldn't be taking care of my overall health. and I'd still be engaging in risky unprotected sexual behavior.

Kengi:  How hard is it to live each day clean and sober?

Brian:The hardest thing for me is to make sure my daily life is structured around my sobriety. If not I can quickly slip back into my alcoholic, addict selfish and self centered behavior

Kengi:  Has it been hard to establish new healthy friendships and release any secrets you've kept?

Brian:  Yes, it's  hard and establishing new healthy friendships is still a work in progress on my part. As for my secrets, that too is something I must work on daily. Right now I'm a work in progress, my biggest concern is, no longer living in the shame of my secrets.

Kengi: Recently you shared with me that you disclosed to your father. Was that as hard as you thought it would be?

Brian: You know Kengi, disclosing to my father, surprisingly,  wasn't hard at all. It was something I wanted to do in my own time and on my own terms, but to be honest all the fear of it was all in my head.

Kengi: You once told me that you're learning the truth about yourself and it isn't so bad. What does that mean?

Brian:  I was referring to some personal issues I'm working through in therapy and that everything I beleived about myself isn't all bad. The day I mentioned this was one of the best days I've had so far in therapy.

Kengi: After all that you've been through, you've decided to be part of a film called Breaking the Silence. What has being part of this film meant to you?

Brian: First of all, I'm honored to be a part of this film. For me this film has meant that I get to break my own silence about living in denial, shame, fear and stigma about my HIV diagnoses, sharing all that I've been through openly and out loud. This film has also opened my eyes to the tremendous lack of access to services of minorities, predominatel, the African American communities. Most of all it's allowed me to be heard in my own voice and in my own words.

Kengi: You've also become a shutterbug?

Brian: Yes, I have. I've been exploring all aspects of picture taking including subscribing to photography magazines and going on photo safaris with my friends. I was part of my first art show for World AIDS Day and looking forward to the ENUF Art Show in June for National HIV Awareness Month. It's been a very relaxing and stress-releasing hobby for me. I'm enjoying it very much.

Kengi: Brian, thanks for taking the time to do this interview and share a small part of your amazing story us.

Brian: Thank you for asking Kengi. It was my pleasure.

My circle of friends is pretty eclectic, representing very diverse backgrounds and life experiences. Brian is no exception to this. Although our friendship presents challenges, there is something about him that tells me to stay the course. There's this shine in his eyes that comes through every now and then and the trace of joy and fulfillment that shines bright when he's able to let his guard down and relax. At the end of the day, he truly is a work in progress and I am honored to be able to see the transformation taking place right before my eyes.

Last year when Bob interviewed me I was all set to move forward with my HIV peer support groups as well as starting my HIV support group. After providing a wide range of HIV education services for residents living with HIV on Skid Row in Downtown Los Angeles for well over 2 years and just two days before the program was to start offering services in other buildings that residents had requested, my entire outreach was blocked and I was banned from offering any such services.

To say that this took me by total surprise is a huge understatement and to say that many of the residents were not just upset, but angered is also a huge understatement. Here were a group of residents LIVING with HIV in need of all sorts of HIV supportive services not being provided by their housing organization and it was completely shut down because someone had the power to do so.

Skid Row just happens to be one of LA's hot spots when it comes to new HIV infections and AIDS deaths, so to block these vital services and not provide anything in its place is nothing more than the reckless authority that drives HIV ignorance and is the breeding ground for new infections and deaths among the population hardest hit by HIV and AIDS. Although the outreach was blocked and I've been banned from the buildings, the outreach grew and continued to offer HIV supportive services to residents without fail.

Last month, after several people mentioned to me that they needed an HIV support group tailored to address their needs and concerns, I once again began working on finding a way to move forward with the HIV support group. On February 16th, the middle of National Black History Month, JUSTUS was formed I held the first HIV support group for men of color living with HIV. The meeting was attended by 6 men and since the first meeting the group has held several successful meetings with attendance as high as 11.

Last weekend the group held a meet and greet at Venice Beach which even welcomed people who wanted to get information on HIV and AIDS as well as those who just wanted to come out to show their love and support to members of the group.

It's been so amazing to me to see people go from someone who was very afraid of talking about HIV to laughing and enjoying life on Venice Beach. I was a bit worried about how the group would do in such a public space. I even tried to find a part of the beach where not many people were gathered, but the members picked an area right in the thick of things and the afternoon was filled with talking about life, finding love again, telling jokes, sharing our experiences and simply enjoying the heat that reached the low 80's.

Our group is very now traditional in the fact that we meet in different places and our meetings include outings such as trips to the movies, coffee houses, photo safaris, hikes, day trips and even dancing. The group is focused on LIVING and exploring all the things we did prior to becoming HIV positive and doing all we can to support each other along our paths of living an abundant life.

I had my video camera with me because some of the guys are participating in the HIV documentary I'm currently filming about LIVING with HIV. While at the beach I was able to simply pull people from the board walk and ask them their views and understanding of HIV and what came forth were people who were well informed, but also spoke directly to the lack of access to care and prevention where they live.

We've had six meetings so far and each time I'm simply blown away by the information, friendship and love that is being shared - the bonds that are being formed and the spirit of brotherhood that has been transforming lives and breaking down walls that prevent us from living the best life.

It's always so funny to me how some people seem to think they can prevent me from providing HIV services. It's strange how they do not have the capacity or intelligence to understand or provide; that strikes great fear in them. Instead of embracing the work I do, they feel they must do all they can to make it go away in order to make them feel better about their own inadequacies.

As if we don’t have enough to deal with just by being HIV positive, it saddens me that people with HIV have to deal with people, places and things in positions of power and authority causing the most hurt, harm to forcing far more guilt shame and stigma than any other place. I guess what this boils down to is that we can't force people to care.

Last night when we finished our meeting one of the guys turned to me and said “Thank you for giving me a place where I feel fully supported and a place that has given me permission to love myself, but most of all permission to live free.”

In the coming weeks I'll be interviewing some of the men in this group who happen to be my friends. I can't wait to share their amazing stories with you.

Until then, LIVE LIFE FREE!!!!!

Recently I had the opportunity of hearing Herb Schultz from the United States Department of Health speak at a medical update about healthcare reform and what it means for people with HIV. The one thing that stands out for me is when he said “you are entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own facts” when it comes to healthcare reform. He was referring to all the noise we've been hearing about healthcare reform here in the United States.

He was on a panel with other distinguished people presented by AIDS Project Los Angeles designed to help people with HIV understand what healthcare reform means to them. Joining him on this panel was Julie Cross from the Office of AIDS Policy and Programs

They each had very convincing presentations and by the end I felt that I had a better or at least a more clear understanding of what healthcare reform means and how it will affect people with HIV and by the time it was over I had better, or at least a more clear, understanding about what healthcare reform really was. However I asked what measures were being put in place to make certain that people hardest hit by HIV and AIDS would not fall out of care or fall victims to potential scams by people, places and things offering to take over handling of meds and insurance billing. I even gave them examples of people I do HIV peer support for who had in fact fallen out of care for this very reason, but the only answer I received was dead silence.

Until now I've never had any concern about falling victim to such scams because I access my care through the Ryan White Act. I do not have any sort of insurance that can be billed. However with all the changes coming,  I will now be required to pick a healthcare plan and this is now something I MUST be concerned with.

Recently I started taking meds to help my body build its resistance to TB. After 29 months of homelessness and being exposed to it by living on the streets, in shelters, missions and transitional housing, my defence is low. This will help me build it up.

I also had to apply for ADAP which was pretty simple, but for me the problems started when a company offered an incentive to allow them to handle my pharmacy needs. At first, I saw no harm in this until I started asking questions as to why I had to release all my medical records to them and I needed to allow them to make all medical decisions that I make with my doctor. They even offered to help me get into the new plans along with helping me with any housing authority issues I may face.

It all sounded too good to be true and at the end of the day it was. My friends and I who are also HIV positive had started talking and in our conversations we discovered that they too were offered all sorts of things to move their HIV care, even claiming to be better than the Veterans Affairs.

We all felt harassed and one friend said they felt “violated” and “uncomfortable” with this company and how they had aggressively pursued all of us even after they said “no thanks” and in my case after I asked to have my meds changed back.

Today I find myself lost in a system with no answers and my medical care is now in the hands of some company who only cares about getting the right to bill county, state and federal programs top dollar for my HIV meds. I've been dealing with this for two days now and today I looked up and discovered that I have been under so much stress that I've now missed two doses of my current meds to treat my resistance to TB.

At the end of the day, when it is all said and done, we all have the right to pick who handles our HIV care. We have the right to say no and we have the right not to feel pressured, threatened or bullied into changing things in our healthcare that are only in the interests of making a profit for our sickness that we must live with daily.

So again I'm left with the question of who protects people at greater risk from companies who will take advantage of the fact that many people with HIV are also low income and struggle each month to make ends meet? Who will protect us from people, places and things that will promise the sun, moon and the stars, simply to get control of billing for HIV meds?

I'm sure this is only the beginning of things to come when it comes to caring for, or should I say pretending to care, for people with HIV and AIDS. In many ways what has happened to me sounds, looks and smells like the very same type of predictor type practices aimed at senior citizens.

People with HIV have enough to deal with, enough to worry about. We should not have to worry about anyone else taking advantage of us, pressuring or threatening us. My faith in God is at the center of all I do and in this moment I'm placing my full trust in God because he has never failed me yet.   

It's Tuesday, December 20, 2011, just 5 days left before Christmas, only 1 day past my 43rd birthday and 3 days past the publishing of my second book. I have a life filled with awesome friends who love and respect me and a great dog named Dodger. My health is fantastic, I'm embracing the sun on my face and looking forward to the rest of my life's journey, wherever it leads. I've so much to be thankful for and so much to celebrate.

WOW, 43 years old!.I spent the day (December 18th) celebrating with my friends. This year it was here at my apartment with an awesome brunch cooked mostly by my friendTina. I couldn't have asked for a more special day and to think it was pretty much a complete surprise.

I start each birthday by celebrating every accomplishment I set the year before. I end the day setting goals for the following year. I've done this for as long as I can remember. It started as a kid because I was always told by doctors not to push myself and my parents were told not to expect a great deal from me. I was born with Sickle Cell and most of my childhood was spent in and out of the hospital or very sick and in bed. So each year I told myself I would be better than the year before and each year I would succeed.

I refused early in life to be a prisoner to Sickle Cel;, it was not going to stop me from anything and it certainly was not going to kill me. The same can be said for my many bouts with cancer, 29 months of homelessness and now HIV. I simply refuse to be a prisoner to any idea, sickness, person, place or thing, That is beneath me. I refuse to live in shame, guilt or to have any regrets. I've lived my 43 years on my own term and conditions, I set the pace, I measure my progress and success comes from me (and God)

The fact is I didn't grow up poor. I was told that no matter what comes my way or what battles or storms I would have to endure in this life, to always know that I can get through it with my head held high. I was told never to allow title and position or even money trick me into thinking that those without all of this were somehow worthless. I was raised to believe that compassion isn't something you extend to yourself and those you care about, but to people you pass on the street and may not ever encounter again. Raised with the mind set to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I was told that I was my brother’s keeper, even if my brother didn't want to be kept.

My parents raised me to question authority and to challenge it when it was wrong. They raised me to stand up for those who don't have a voice.. They told me never to allow status or the influence of money or partnership shape my thinking. 

 So at 43 years old I'm happy that I was popular in jr. high, high school and even in college. I'm happy that I was able to travel and see this world many times over, happy to have had and lived a life of excess, so I have nothing to prove to anyone. I can't be bought and sold and the lure of fame and fortune doesn't excite me. My prayers are never for a million dollars, but for an increased territory.

I've learned that no one can promote me, send me, elevate me, succeed me like God can. I'm content with my life and where it is and I know when my voice needs to be heard, there will be no one that can block it.

Tonight as I was checking out at Ralph's, a local super market here in Southern California, a lady stood behind me and called my name. I turned to see a smiling face I do not know. I heard “thank you for standing up for us. Thank you for caring about me and my children.” I smiled at her and said “you're welcome”.  She said “My son’s name is Kevin and the other night you gave him a $100 gift card. I'm shopping for food with that card you gave him.” Tears were falling down her face and I reached to hug her. She broke saying “it's so hard sometimes. We don't always get to eat, so I want you to know that you've given me the courage to be thankful and do the best I can.”

Her son Kevin is someone I do HIV peer support for. He has AIDS and is 22. He struggles to make it to his doctor’s appointments. His clothes are beyond dirty, but there is that shimmer of hope still deep in his eyes. Last month he ran out of meds and I was able to get him a bottle to carry him through the month while he worked through the bullshit of ADAP. He now has a discount TAP card that allows him to make all his medical appointments. I gave the card to him and told him to use it the way he wanted. It came from the monthly donation I receive to help feed people each month.

No one will ever hear the plight of Kevin and his family, but as long as there is life in this body and as long as God blesses me to do so, I will always extend my hand to people like Kevin and I will always lift my voice so that someone, somewhere will stop and see that one person can make a difference and that one person is YOU and me.

This season isn't about shopping, running people over just to get a black Friday sale item, it's not about how much you spend or how many gifts you give. This season is about the greatest love of all. Yeah, it's about love.

So as the light reflects in the mirror, showing me the essence of who I am, made from pure perfection, I'm connected to the ONE, therefore I AM. I can see LOVE. Nnw what can be higher than this?

Merry Christmas.

It's Monday night at 11:39 pm and I've just come in from hanging out with some of the guys from the HIV support group that I have the honour to attend from time to time. Afterwards, about 10 or so of us went out to have coffee at a local diner. It's been a while since I've been to the group because many people I do HIV peer support and education for also attend the group. I want them to be able to express themselves without feeling like I am there to observe them.

However tonight I needed to be around people who have been in this struggle for some time, to take in some of their wisdom. I also wanted to be around the people who are newly diagnosed and maybe offer them a glimmer of hope. I am very glad I took time out to do this for myself.

When I think of World AIDS Day, so much comes into my mind, so many feelings, some good and some bad, but right now I'd like to simply take a moment to honour all those who have lost their life to AIDS, including members of my own family and close friends of my family. I also want to honour four men that lost their battle with AIDS. It is because of them that I work so hard at trying to make things better for others.

When I think of what World AIDS Day represents for me, it represents LIFE, but more so, an abundant life, filled with my awesome circle of friends, colleagues and supporters. I live full of joy and even a bit of pain. But at the end of the day I have the ability to wake up with full activity in my limbs, a sound mind and the with thehonour of serving those now LIVING with HIV as best I can.

I think about what I've been able to contribute in the few years that I've been fully engaged in helping to be the change I want to see in the world. Involved with speaking at the local and even national level, I must say that I'm very proud of the work that I've been able to carry out for the good of humanity.

As I type this I am reminded of words from a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King that so eloquently says “I may not get to there with you........” and my eyes begin to fill with tears - not of sadness, but of great joy. Because I know that one day people will look back on this and say “remember when HIV and AIDS . . . ” , While some will be able to recall the days of this pandemic, there will those who will not; it will be a thing of the past. I know the work that I do today is not for me, but for those who will come after me. I guess the more I live and the older, -  even wiser  - I get, I know that change may sometimes be things I work on, but not actually see.

The words to the old gospel song say “we must work while the sun is shining. We must keep our lamps trimmed and burning and know that our labour is not in vain, because late in the midnight hour, God's gonna turn it around and it's gonna work in my favour. I must work, I must work, I must work.”

This weekend I will join other HIV positive artists in the World AIDS Day Art Walk at the Gay and Lesbian Center here in Los Angeles. I am showing my paintings and photography. My goal is to be that light that I used to hear my great grandma speak up. That bright and morning star that shines so that others can have hope and see their way. She used to tell me that I never needed to be the biggest or the brightest light. I just needed to be one light in a sea of lights, so that others who are discouraged, wounded, angry, lost and bewildered may see the path that keeps them from stumbling or falling along the wayside. That guard rail and the sharp turn that protects people from going over, that gentle voice that reassures, calms and understands.

My artwork and photography will represent, pay honour and respect those who have come before me, but encourage, smile at and brighten the path of those who will come after me. My friend Travis once said “I want to knock a dent in this (HIV)” So with each day I raise I will do my best to knock a dent in HIV on my side of the world.

I may be shattered in many ways, but I am far from broken. I might even be wounded from all that I've been allowed to see, but time will heal. Many of us have loads that are hard to bear, long days and nights with no sun in the sky, so for them I will rise each and every day, as long as there is life in this body and I will shine this light, work while it is day to lighten the load, ease the burden. Because I know that one day this will all be over. The work will be done, the road will be paved, the storm will have passed and souls will be whole.

World AIDS Day........everyday represents an ABUNDANT LIFE filled with LOVE for mankind. It represents hope for a brighter day. It represents the God in me that sees the God in you and it bows to its greatness. Ma use to tell me "the race is not given to swift or the strong, but to those who are willing to see things through to the very end and sometimes baby, you don't get to see the end. Just know that when you are called to a higher state of being, when you apply for a job of service, God will call on you to do things that are beyond you. When it is all said and done it will always fall right into place. There is no self in selflessness."

I can see LOVE and there's nothing higher than this. CHOOSE LOVE

Two weekends ago,I set out to be of service to individuals living with HIV and battling the hardships of homeless here in Los Angeles. Just like when I first started my Do Something Saturday outreach, when I was homeless, I was again told there would be no way I could help people. One person even went as far to say “the economy is just too bad for anyone to truly care about helping people and you have no money, so give it up Kengi” I think the real problem is that our country has made compassion unsexy and poverty a crime, so people find excuses as to why they will not help those in need.

Even after receiving letters from 13 local hotels saying “we can not help at this time” I was not discouraged and continued to reach out to do all I could to help those in need. The word “no” is very much like a vitamin to me, so I've learned to take them and get stronger. Moreover with every “no” I heard, I also knew someone who said “yes”. This “someone” would come through in ways far greater than those who say “no”

This year I teamed up with the Phi Alpha Honor Society from the School of Social Work at USC . While homeless I had the opportunity to speak 3 times in the School of Social Work and each time the students always found ways to help me with outreach. I received an email from one of the students who heard me speak last year asking me if we could work together to help homeless people. Naturally I said yes.

My friend Rebecca (Canada) who I met through Twitter (@ischizm) got into the act by sending two boxes filled with items for Do Something Kits - hygiene items packed in a gallon sized ziplock bag to give to homeless people.

I then received an email from someone who had Googled 'homelessness' and saw one of my videos.Her name is Felicia and she lives in South Carolina. Other than though my YouTube channe we've never met. In all I received 5 boxes from Felicia of new clothes and hygiene items that were used to help homeless men and woman. Her email encouraged me to keep doing my work.

Another set of awesome woman are my “East Coast Girls” Donna and Wendy. They too sent items for the Do Something Kits. Not to be left out my friend and long time supporter Ayana asked her FACEBOOK friends if they would donate just $1 toward my efforts. Thye donated $45. As always my friend Kai also came through with his donation as well.

However the 4 surprises in this outreach came from a friend and 3 people I just recently met, 1 of which I only had the pleasure of taking a picture of. My friend Carlos along with his cousins Tabitha and Dawna threw a Halloween party asking their guests to donate gently used clothes and hygiene items. Carlos delivered 3 boxes and several bags of clothes and hygiene items.

While in the Bay Area on vacation with my friends my close friends Willow and Eric donated socks, and other gently used items, but it was their friend Leslie who I only had the pleasure of photographing at their weddin, who allowed Willow and Eric to use her Costco card to purchase socks. It was her act of putting together Do Something Kits especially for woman that made me smile so largfe. The kindness and care she took to prepare these was simply awesome. My friend Michael invited me to speak at the general assembly of Occupy Venice, which lead to a donation from someone involved with the movement.

My friend shere in LA were awesome, but it was someone I met on Twitter who blew me out of the water with her kind and thoughtful donation of gift cards that allow people to get the food they want, when they want. She also showed up to help. Awesome spirit backed with a beautiful smile (@KikiRyanMoore) The last donations came by way of my friend Tiffany from a local organization in Venice.

Saturday was awesome because I was there with my friends and fellow USC TROJANS to be of service to those in need, without excuse, without guilt or shame. It was so cool to see people willing to give up their Saturday to help people in need and to do it with love and respect.

In all we passed out of 100 Do Something Kits from Operation Give Hope and took in a ton of new and gently used clothes, shoes and woman's products that will be used to help men and women battling HIV from Santa Monica and Skid Row (Downtown LA) to Venice and Van Nuys.

There isn't a day that goes by that someone does not question or even try to discount, disrespect what I do and even those on Skid Row who have prevented my HIV outreaches from taking place in buildings that house people with HIV. All efforts to discourage or stop me have failed. My friend and I have friends and supporters from as far away as Canada and Germany and all over the United States. I have proven that what I do matters and people do care and are willing to suit up and show up for those in need.

I started Operation Give Hope while I was homeless and each year it gets bigger and reaches more people. Each year more people recognize that the old ways of helping those in need have nothing to do with an office, title, position or even nonprofit status, but with doing what you can, where you can and when you can.

It is estimated that some 70,000 people are homeless in the City of Los Angeles every night. I know from first-hand experience that many of these are HIV-positive. I know too this number is higher than reported. I could sit back and say “someone” will take care of that or I can do what I've done for a very long time - long before homelessness and being HIV positive ever visited my life and that's recognizing that “someone” is ME.