My journey has been somewhat amazing lately. I keep sharing about it because there was a time when I was so stuck and hopeless. Almost ten years ago I was so depressed, I went to the south of France to sit on the beaches of Nice (even my depression is glamorous - what can I say?) to contemplate life. I once lived in France, and I wanted to return to a spot I used to sit and ponder life there. 

I realized I had lost all goals and dreams.

I hope by sharing my story others can maybe begin to figure out ways to make new dreams, and even fulfill old ones. I have a number of friends who are stuck, just like I was. When that state of inertia sets in, particularly when you are out of work, it is hard to move forward.

I was so bad that at one point I went to a counselor with whom I had to check in once a week because I couldn’t do anything, even pay bills on time. I was staying inside for weeks at a time, only going out for doc's appointments and to take the dog out. I even have had my groceries delivered online.

It’s been a long road since those days.

Because of my experiences and the people I know, I want to write about what’s going on for me. My hope is that if others can see me taking risks, they can too. There is no “secret” to it.

It all starts by taking baby steps. Sometimes there are set backs, but I’ve always had to pick myself up and keep moving. I was overwhelmed by grand plans and goals. I had to do it bit by bit.

Having goals is important. I needed something to work towards, even though I’ve always worked in a very exploratory fashion. I’d say to myself, “I’d like to try this and see what happens.” I think the most important thing is to take risks.  I took a make-up course and ended up being a make-up artist and corporate trainer for a well-known make-up company.  I had no idea if I had any talent at it.

What interests you? Who cares if you think you might suck at it! Just try. Sample it and give it a try and see what happens. We don’t need to be perfect the first time. I remember feeling like I was the worst make-up artist ever when I was first hired. What I did was ask other make-up artists if I could watch and ask questions. Eventually I picked it up. My former experience in public speaking got me into the trainer role. I was shocked at the time.

I won’t get into the more colourful parts of my past other than to say that even when I did those, I applied myself and did well.  Those experiences left me with very fertile comedic material for later in life.

Often when I am in the moment I fail to know that I am sowing seeds for later on. How will those seeds germinate? Who knows? I believe the universe is working in the background like life’s spyware, weaving and stitching our actions and experiences together for the future. The key is to be open-minded and seize the opportunity.

Fear has been my number one blockage. There have been many things I’ve wanted to do but have simply been scared of failure. Doing stand-up was one of those life-long dreams that I never thought I’d actually get to realize.

It’s not by accident that I became friends with two comics. Doing stand-up and being successful at it is a dream come true. Never in a million years did I think that I’d get invited to do another show.

It’s about finding out about what you’d really like to do, and figuring out how to get past the fear. It took me a good year and a half hanging out with comics for me to do stand-up. And even then it was because of the Stephen Lewis Foundation fundraising opportunity coming along that I did it. It felt like the universe was bringing all the elements together.

I just really wish that more people who feel stuck could find a way to move forward just a little bit. Being proactive even in the smallest ways has the power to change your future. It's opposite to “The Secret” method, which says you need to set out big goals, write them down in a book (which doesn’t hurt) and that says all that "law of attraction" will somehow tune into your energy and make it happen.

We all need ideas of where we'd like to go. However, simply being in a state of vibrational harmony with your desires will suddenly bring everything you've wanted. One action takes us out of a state of inertia and creates movement. These changes don't happen overnight. 

Time is an illusion. We can’t see what the effects of our actions are until sometime way into the future.  We need to turn ourselves around from being the effect (feeling hopeless, no goals) to being the cause. Being the cause in my life takes me out of being a victim. It brings in so much light where there used to be the dark

Bring a sense of adventure into your life, no matter what the outcome may be. 

How are you the effect in your life, and how are you the cause? How can that change?

My challenge is to write down 15 goals, interests, passions, dreams. A bucket list. Whatever you’d like to call it. Things that you’ve always wanted to take a stab at but didn’t know how to do or are afraid of trying.

I will write mine and share them next post.

I have been writing about my dare (doing a stand-up comedy set at a popular local open mic night) for The Stephen Lewis Foundation and the angst it was causing me. 

From the moment I booked the night (a big thank you to Jo-anna Downey for putting me on so quickly when she has 200 requests from comics in her email account), I felt a horrible sense of anxiety. “What have I done? 

For the last month every time I thought of getting up on the Spirit’s stage my stomach just dropped. Why did I agree to do this? Not that anyone twisted my arm; I volunteered myself.. Why do a dare if it isn’t going to be challenging in some way? I’ve always wanted to do stand-up but had been way too terrified to try it.

A friend asked me the other day, “Why are you doing this if it makes you so anxious?” Good question!

I’ve always been attracted to doing things that were very scary for me. As a kid I was so shy it crippled me. If another kid  - I was about years old then - was walking down the street towards me, I’d have to cross to the other side, as I couldn’t bear the moment of passing each other.

In grade 7 I was offered a scholarship to go to music camp. I turned it down because it terrified me too much. I stayed this way until university where I’d drop a course the first day if I learned that I had to do any kind of presentation. 

It’s been a slow process challenging that, beginning with public speaking. In the 80s in Winnipeg there were horrible things going on. I couldn’t stand people’s attitudes. The opportunity presented itself, kind of like doing stand up, and I did it. From there it grew to speaking to many groups and the media too.

The only way I can grow is if I take risks in life. This is part of my healthy risk taking. Those who were there last night got to learn about some of my "unhealthy" risk taking. The only thing that was at risk last night was my ego. I could have easily bombed, but I didn’t.

All this anxiety turned quickly into a moment that was a lot of fun, once I got up there. Before I knew it, the light was being flashed to let me know my time was up. The audience was with me from the moment I got on the stage. 

I had such a blast. I really have to thank The Stephen Lewis Foundation for this. If it weren’t for their Dare Campaign I would have never done stand up. I couldn’t get past the fear. 

At the end of the day, we raised $750 for the foundation. They do great work with AIDS in Africa, particularly women, children, and orphans. I’ve been and worked in Africa. Jokes aside; it’s work that is near to my heart. I’ve never fundraised for any other organization before.

Afterwards, the host came up to me and told me I was really good and invited me to her other open mic show on Tuesday nights. This meant so much to me as I’ve watched her host many times. Friends of mine that I didn’t think would be showing up came and sent me great text messages after.

There is nothing like the rush of taking on something really scary and just doing it. I would have been happy just with the fact that I walked through the fear, no matter how well I did. But I have to admit it’s great icing on the cake that it turned out so stellar.

The moral of the story is dare yourself something that you’ve always wanted to do but were too afraid to. There is a Dare Campaign every year; do that dare and raise money. You’ll feel great for having done it.

Only two days to go and my stomach still sinks with butterflies thinking of getting up at Spirits on Wednesday night. It’s all for a good cause, and I know it will be fun once I’m up there. I’ll feel exhilarated for having taken on a huge fear, no matter what the outcome is.

I have to admit, the open-mic meltdown night in Hamilton did help out.(For those who don't know, the last comic told a couple of annoying and constantly interrupting audience members to go fuck themselves. The bar owner cut the guys mic off and suddenly show was over).

I learned that at least some things people will laugh at. The subject of actually doing gay porn is a winning topic. Just when I thought I didn't have any more ways to horrify mother, I'm now going on stage and talking about all this shit. And she was surprised at me becoming Jewish!. Look out!. 

Since that explosive open-mic night, the open mic night has found a new home. I don’t blame comics for not wanting to go back after the owner cut the mic and threw one comic off the stage.

Jo-anna Downey, the host of the evening and many of the comics I consider role models. There’s an irony there since I’m in twelve-step programs for drugs and alcohol, and this is the place the war stories are made, and I'm jumping in sober as can be. 

The old days would have been much easier. I could have just woken up and someone could have told me how it went. 

Fortunately for me, I got my Botox done last week. I vaguely make a frown. Now none of you will see how terrified I am. Just like June Elision I can be shitting my pants and nobody will know. Unlike June though, I’d prefer not to golf through the rest of the 18 holes left. Something about that just doesn’t seem right.

One night I had actually shit my pants at Spirits, the comic was that funny. It was a stellar line up that night with comics working on their material before the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. This guy came out and was so dark and edgy doing stuff about tiger rape. You really had to be there. Let’s just say that he chewed a new one out a woman with more precision skill and outrageousness than any drag queen I’ve seen. That says a lot.

I opened my mouth to let out a huge, LOL, and I shit my pants. What was going on was so friggin funny, and I was trying to ignore that “triage” moment of “can I stick this out, or do I need to take care of this.” I had to run and take care of it, so by the time I came back the fellow was getting a standing ovation. 

Yes folks, the new gold standard of comedy has risen to a new low.  With my Botox, you’ll never know if anyone will ever make that a repeat. I may even sit it out for the whole thing.

This is why I say I miss the great moments. When the open-mic got shut down I was in the washroom. I came downstairs to “comedy interruptus”

Since I committed to this, I’ve felt my stomach drop with anxiety every time I’ve thought of it. I’m sure it will be a lot of fun, and once it’s over I’ll be looking for the next place I can go. It’s just a lot of pressure. Meanwhile the Stephen Lewis Foundation has been putting out press releases.. It’s not like just quietly stepping up to the mic and trying out some material and sitting back down again.

At the end of the day it’s about the $700 raised for a very good cause, AIDS in Africa, in particular helping woman and children.