I suppose that technically I’ll always be an activist in one form or another. So far the only way that could happen is if I work HIV into my stand-up sets. This is something I’d really like to do, but I’m not ready yet in the comedy community in Toronto, Hamilton and  St. Catharines, Ontario. 

The young new comics who have no life experience, and thus grasp on to a few areas, think that they are being edgy. Take the young Niagara comic doing his super racist jokes (one concentration camp one thrown in for good measure, something about having ADD) who came down to Hamilton for a friendly competition between the Niagara comics and the Hamilton comics.

I had the prestigious task of being the judge and the arduous job of making a 1 or a 0 beside each comic’s name. Each comic had to do a joke in their set either about a pool or a car; if they did, they got a point.

While this comic was up, he got one audience member quite pissed off, who interrupted the set yelling at him calling him names I can’t write here. My friend hosting the open mic took control and calmed him down. But to no avail, as the comic continued and the patron took his drink and chucked it at the comic. The glass smashed up on the wall about eight feet up, missing the comic by quite a bit. 

After tossing the glass, the guy walked out and about 5 comics went running after him.

This is what I mean about trying to have edge without life experience. The other subjects that seem to be fair game are mysogony (I’ll tell you what a bitch is…….), gay jokes or “I have AIDS.”

You know when I hear shit like that I want to get up there and let her rip. But I don’t. These guys are young and they have to learn on their own. Fortunately I haven’t had too much of the “I have AIDS.” But I have had jokes about AIDS, as if there is no consciousness that there are positive people listening to your set. Once there were two of us.

If my life as an activist returns, it will be in the form of an out positive comic. But I’m not ready yet. I need to learn and grow without immediately throwing the positive label on me. Sometimes it's nice not to be known for being-HIV positive. But I know there will be a day when that will change.

This girl just wants to have fun these days.

When I see things like the  “Write a letter to HIV” campaign, I simply roll my eyes, knowing that I’ve made the right decision. I don’t want to write a letter to HIV. What am I going to say? What is there to really say? I’m so not there in my life. More then 20 years later I simply don’t want my life to be revolving around HIV.

The AIDS star system of advocates vying for the most publicity, interviews, books, and awards etc. is just as real and active as comics who are vying to gain as much attention as they can get for successful careers.  At what point does it stop being about educating and making a difference and becomes about ego? Some activists are creating their own “brands” and they promote themselves almost as  products.

This is why a few years ago I went with the “My life on the AIDS D-list” satire. Everybody thought the A-list was somebody else, not realizing that some of these folks were the very ones I was referring to.

Weeding through all of this, there are very good people out there doing great work. I’m happy to pass the baton on to them. After several decades of working to help others, I simply just want to have fun. I want to follow where my heart wants me to go, and that is to make people laugh. It’s been my dream since I was a teenager. For some reason it took me this long to get there.

My message out of this, no matter what you are doing, is to follow your passion. It may be working in HIV, or it might be something very different. As we age and reclaim our lives from the death-plagued decades, many of us are searching for something more, something different, and most definitely something fun.

Now I have to go prepare for my comedy set tonight. 

The latest installment in my dairy spans both Hamilton and Toronto. I never thought I’d have one foot in Hamilton and the other in Toronto, and the entire golden horseshoe in between. Which really is not that much, considering the great geographical spans I’ve done in the past.

Last Friday night I headed down to the Vapour Lounge, the place one can go to smoke weed and see entertainment including comedy. What I didn’t know is that there are a lot of places that start with Vapour  - and I was at the wrong one. And, not only the wrong place, but also the wrong place with comedy on Friday nights as well.

My first observance about stoners is that they are all so mellow and nice. Without realizing it I completely conned my way in. Feeling assertive, I arrived at the window feeling only a slight feeling of being cool.  “I’m here with one of the comics.”

The lovely blond-haired woman compted me in, and then gave me a nice little tour. When I said the place reminded me of being in Amsterdam (a city which for a few years was my second home), I learned this is the ultimate form of flattery in a “Vapour” establishment.

While waiting for my friend in the haze of all the “vapour” in the room, I started to figure out I’m in the wrong place. When someone texts me and says they are just parking the car outside and then still hasn’t arrived 30 minutes later, I know something is up. Either I’m in the wrong place, or I’ve picked up a second-hand vapour high.

These guys and gals must be so high all the time, that they can’t remember that guys like me, who burned out all our brain cells by the 11^th grade, can’t remember anything more than one word. It’s such a stoner kind of confusion. It took two of us to figure it out.

Once the dots were connected, I kind of felt badly as this really nice woman got me in free and did all these nice things, and now it turns out I’m not with any of the comics.

The right place was the “Vapour Social Club” which has, on the last Friday night of the month, their Mary Jane Comedy Night, with an all female comic line up.

A cab ride later I arrive to what appears from the street to be a head shop. In the back, however, they have a large room set up for smoking/vapour and a make-shift stage.

This place, even though it's not a basement room, feels like it. I felt I was in some straight guy’s basement, all painted a heavy hue of green, with art work hung on the walls in groupings like my grandmother does. The furniture seems like it got lost on its way to Goodwill, with a wide array of chairs, reclining lounges and there may have been the odd TV table.

My friend and I joked about what it would be like getting up to do a routine stoned. I wondered if the audience would all just catatonically look at you as the jokes flew by them, as if they were on a five-minute delay. Who would know if they are laughing at the opening part of the set or the end?

There was one great dry and very dark joke that was simply the reiteration of what she had just said, but so dead pan that nobody got how fracking funny it was except my friend, myself, and one or two others in the back. It was great.

My friend rocked her set, and the other women up were great. Turns out the blondes were the ones I like the most. It was raw, I "don’t give a fuck what you think" kind of humour and I loved it. Burn the sacred cows.

This was just the beginning of my weekend. In only 24 hours from the Vapour Social Club moments I’d be on a stage in Woody’s taking on my greatest fear and experiencing the most liberating moments in a very long time, which included mooning the Woody’s crowd.  

The world of stand-up has been a crazy ride. I can’t think of anything else I’ve done that makes me so incredibly anxious, yet when I’m doing it I feel like I’m alive. I guess that’s what it takes. 

There was a time when I was very timid about being out in straight crowds. It’s not like they didn’t know, but I’d make no mention of it whatsoever. 

Oh, how the times are changing. Most of my time on a mic has been in Hamilton. I have two comic friends out there, one of which hosts an open mic night. I’ve had no choice but to do comedy for straight audiences. Instead of not saying anything, I’ve decided to totally gay out for these very straight audiences.

Hamilton gets a bad wrap. I like their arts scene and Corktown. The comedy world is accessible and is a great place to get on a mic while the training wheels are still on.  

After my last performance, where I rocked it BTW (the time before not so much), I decided not to censor myself. There are a couple of young comics there who want to be edgy but have no life experience upon which to draw. What they end up with are gay dick-up-the-ass jokes, or things about AIDS. 

I’m not offended, I just get tired of them. One guy did the getting shagged-up-the-ass jokes for the fourth time. It just so happened that I was up next. My warm-up went well, and then suddenly I found myself co-opting his joke, “It’s so great to be in Hamilton, it’s as great as getting F$%K’d up the ass, and while I’m at it, I’m staying at the Sheraton Hotel in a superior suite, that’s as good as getting double F$%K’d up the ass! We haven’t gotten to double penetration yet, have we folks?” 

It was a lot of fun and the crowd (mostly comics) roared. This was the set that established myself as being funny. You have to be funny or the other comics don’t talk to you. It’s a strange process. 

I didn’t however stop at there. I talked about doing porn, “It takes balls to do gay porn……..and some cock…..but mostly balls!” 

Then I went into escorting territory. If these guys want edge, I thought, I’m going to give them edge. “The worst thing was getting first time guys or the bi-curious guys, it’s all teeth. [Hand gesture moving around my crotch] It’s like a piranha attack. The next time it’s going to be filmed in 3-D. This part of my life I called ‘Hooker with a Passport Years, Sponsored by Crystal Meth: It’s amazing how much you can get done in 136 hours.” 

Deep sigh on stage, my job was done. 

All the rest of the night the comics made fun of me with some of my material. The seal of approval. They like you if they make fun of you. It was great. I hadn’t had such a good night since Spirits in Toronto.

I’m back in Hamilton Tuesday night (March 27), and I’ll be back at it. Finally I’m making a name for myself in comedy. I just never thought it would be about oral and butt sex. But hey, I’ll take what I can get. Kathy Griffin is my role model, and I’ll go with whatever works. 

This Saturday I have my first gay crowd at Woodies on Church Street, Toronto for the Downtown Swim Club’s 25th anniversary show with Mike Chalut hosting, and the fabulous Jade Elektra performing. I’m nervous as hell as I’ve only done straight crowds. 

On top of it my voice coach will be there. We just started working together again and she wanted to see me perform. Thank god she’s super cool, 'cause I’ve yet to take the comedy class on clean humour. 

Just the other weekend I attended a workshop called “Stepping Forward into Inspired Action” facilitated by my health/life coach. The topic seemed to be in line with other discussions I had been having with others, as well as writing here on PositiveLite.com.

Sometimes in order to step forward into action, inspired or otherwise, reflection is required. I often believe everything happens for a reason, and there was a reason for why this workshop was happening on this particular day.  Putting one foot forward . . . 

For quite some time running in the background I’ve felt the need to reshape my life. The workshop was just the right time to do a frank assessment of where I’m at and where I’d like to be. The result is the natural process of evolving and transforming.

I left the workshop realizing that I have some new interests and focus in life, and that I had fulfilled my job of creating PositiveLite.com. It is truly amazing to see the transformation of this project that started with two dimes and an idea.

Originally I had envisioned the site as a way to maybe gain some revenue modeled after other websites taking a similar approach with different subject matter. However, PostiveLite.com has grown by leaps and bounds, surpassing long ago any established model of how the website could run.

We have become so much more than a magazine. We provide a platform to give voice to those who traditionally do not have the opportunity. We have created an online community, and hopefully soon a more established national community. This goal is well on its way to being achieved.

PositiveLite.com has become an essential community communication tool that no longer is about one person, nor should it be. It definitely takes a village to make this baby run.

After the workshop I knew that I had taken PositiveLite.com as far as I could on my own.  It is now time to let someone take over this aspect of running the site in order to take it to the next level. I’ve had a great three years working on this, and look forward to continuing with my writing etc.

So with great honour I’m announcing that John McCullagh is effective today the publisher of PositiveLite.com. I would like to thank John, but also our editor Bob Leahy for their tireless work on the site. I am also humbled to see everyone feel that they can take ownership of this collective effort.

PositiveLite.com has become an important stakeholder in the Canadian HIV landscape, and I look forward to watching it evolve in the upcoming future. 

In the mean time, as I meantioned I will keep on contributing and helping out where I'm best suited. I'll also be exploring the world of stand-up comedy. Thus proving I'm a true Gemini who seems to have a need for lots of change. 

For better or for worse, my life is always about re-invention. When I found out that I was a snake in the Chinese zodiac signs, I didn’t think that was good. A friend pointed out that snake can be good, a sign of shedding many skins.

My approach in life is to try new things, not knowing if I have one modicum of talent and just go for it anyway. If I didn’t do well, then at least I knew. 

Even when I was stuck, I was re-inventing myself. Unfortunately they weren’t in healthy ways, but nonetheless, I was flying around the world. I made New York and Amsterdam my second homes.

What I had to learn, and it took me a long time, was that I needed to find something that appeals to my risk taking & reinvention is safe healthy ways. Also I needed to find meaningful exciting experiences that didn’t involve getting on a plane. I needed to find the same passion I had when I was abroad and bring it home. We can’t have our happiness conditional upon being in Europe or wherever floats your boat more.

If I have to keep up doing my “She’s Still Here Tour” launching on World AIDS Day, then I had better something new to talk about other than my HIV.

OK, so my last post was a dare of my own to write down 15 goals, dreams, or things you just have to get done but have been procrastinating. I've actually taken on a couple things since I had the idea to write this. Some of these I will always consider a work in progress. 

Now I dare my follow contributors to come up with their lists. 

Stand-up comedy - work in progress

After years of procrastination I forced myself to do it. I’ve done one set in Hamilton and one in Toronto. Both went very well and I’m now going to do a set for a fundraiser in Woodies at the end of March. I’ll be going to a couple open mics in Hamilton.  An entire new world is opening up to me. What I love about the stand-up is getting to know some really cool people, and being able to be out at different venues. Oddly enough, I kind of prefer the straight rooms. We’ll see after March.

Create a nice living space - work in progress

Began painting apartment and getting rid of old furniture. I am getting a few new pieces. My place is feeling like a completely new apartment. I have lived in a darkly painted apartment for almost 10 years. Still more work to be done.

Being a father

Believe it or not, I always thought I’d be a father. I’m saddened that didn’t happen. I suppose I should never say never. But it’s a long shot. But why not have the dream. I don’t even care if I’m involved with the kid, I just want to know that I have a child out there and that a part of me will carry on.

Creating meaning work in my life -Exploring spirituality - work in progress

This has been an ongoing struggle for me for last decade or so. Creating PositiveLite.com has been enormously beneficial for me. I couldn’t do what I was doing any more. I had no sense of ownership over it or passion. I like the idea of creating something new and innovative.

The site is doing well and will be going through more changes so stay tuned!

There are some that say that all I do is work in HIV, which isn’t true. They don’t see the other worlds I walk in; people think that I solely concentrate on it. It is a lot of work and demands it. Even so, Positive Lite.com is so much more about HIV. It is about writing, managing, tech work, videographer, film editing, interviewing interesting people and so much more.

Exploring spirituality - work in progress

This has been a natural evolving past for me since about 2007ish. It has been an amazing journey that really has changed my life in so many ways that I could not list it here. I’m not suggesting this be something on someone’s lists, it’s just what I ended up pursuing. I’m getting to know great people in different communities, where I can check the subject of HIV at the door. 

Learn how to use my good camera (I need a weekend long class in it)

Procrastinating

Be a film maker

Procrastinating – when do I have the time?

To find a French-speaking Jewish boyfriend.

I put this on in jest, but wouldn’t it be nice.

Get back to exercising

I’ve left my healthy changes as the winter carried on. I have to get back to this routine.

To see my family more in Winnipeg

Will be seeing them in April. I have points that can get me there for about two or three more trips.

Organize my workspace

Major procrastinating – not a good organizer. Should get someone to do it for me.

Fix up my balcony for summer.

I’ve never done this, it would be very nice for this summer.

A trip to Israel

This will happen sometime in the next year. I have the points for the flight.

A trip to South America

Would love to study Spanish in Buenos Aires for a month!

Play with photographic images to create art.

Major procrastinating

Take acting class

One day when I can focus on it. This one scares me and I'm going to have to do it one day. I think I'd suck at it, and maybe I would, but gotta try.