I set out way back in 1987, two weeks after my best friend in the entire world at the time died, and I ended up on the public speaking track. Even though getting up in front of people was the scariest thing to do.

A fellow died on a Winnipeg hospital palliative care ward way back. After he died, the infection control nurse at the time said to one nurse, “At least Terry isn’t suffering anymore.” To which the palliative care ward nurse replied, “I don’t think he suffered enough.”

We had to form a human chain around Terry’s casket outside the funeral home to block CBC news from filming it.

In Regina, the guys were so afraid of anyone finding out about their status, they would not go to see a doctor, and would only receive medical care if dragged into hospital by ambulance. 

At the time there weren’t regular CD4 tests, and when they were, they had to be shipped up to Saskatoon to be processed. Finally we had arranged for once a month blood drawing. I literally had to hand hold a couple of people going to the hospital. The thought of sitting in a public waiting room was almost too much for them to handle. 

In Regina, I had a dental assistant give out my personal information to her husband who called me at home. I was shocked. The hour turned into a counseling session, and I managed to make my way through it. Being in a city of 180,000 people, I felt so vulnerable.

This was after I had agreed to have my name on a press release for World AIDS Day in Regina by Sask Health, not realizing what kind of media frenzy would ensue.

Ironically, in Saskatchewan, there maybe had been one other person who was courageous enough to be public. This was a time when there were no medications, people were dying horrible deaths, and to admit to being HIV positive was to admit to being a leper.

Truthfully, I was scared to go out to the gay bar after that. In my mind everyone would be pointing at me and talking about me. Instead I received a lot of respect. Once I finally did get out, I had a great time.

These are the roots and history I come from. This was a time when many services did not exist for HIV+ folks. It took a lot of advocacy work to get the Village Clinic operating at the time. I didn’t come on the scene until the Clinic was well set up. I hold the grand title of the first person they had to give a positive test result to.

Not related, but by chance, my attending physician at the time committed suicide three months later at the very hospital where the nurse whose empathy left little to be desired.

I was asked to speak to those palliative care nurses after the “incident.” It took all the courage I could muster to get up and talk in front of people, even a small group of eight. The evening went well, and I spoke to another group of nurses and that’s how it all started.

These are the kinds of things I mean when I tell others to muster up their own courage to do what they want in life. Find a challenge, take on a fear, do something to not have HIV be the sum total of all your parts. 

Back then we fought the victim stereotype. In the media we were  labeled as AIDS victims. By extension many felt there were innocent victims in all of this, especially wives of gay/bi guys, children and those infected through blood products.

Did I forget to mention that so many people were dying that I had lost count, meanwhile waiting for the other shoe to drop?

What got many of us through those dark times was humour. It was an essential part of our coping mechanism, especially when working and living with HIV.

This is why I snapped, when I shouldn’t have, at some guys on the internet. After the moment passed, I took everything down. It’s always frustrating to put a lot of oneself into something, and then have people sit back and judge, and I mean morally.

This is my truth, and this is my voice. I can safely say I earned it. Even if I let that voice go way off at times, it’s still my voice. Nobody is going to shut it down. 

If you don’t like what I have to say, then go out and do this kind of stuff on your own. Create your own voice. Take the  initiative to do something other than complain.Take part in a stigma campaign, get your face out there. Visibility is important. 

My own personal journey living with HIV has evolved so much over time. It's a journey full of experiences that someone newly diagnosed couldn't possibly understand, unless they were old enough to live through it and become positive later in life. One does have to be positive for more than five minutes before he or she could know what came before them, and how this informs today's culture.  

Many of us who’ve been living with HIV for such a long time are in search of more. I’m still here; now what? For me it was a question of pursing my long time held dream of getting into improv, sketch comedy, and doing stand up.

In a reactive moment I was actually being insecure, not secure.  I was coming off a very busy week where getting on a stage and opening up is an intense and vulnerable place. 

I just so happened to get this message from a straight male comic who has seem me perform, and it was perfect timing: 

Was talking bout you and your awesomeness the other day and thought you should know! KEEP UP ThE HONEST, LIFE MY FRIEND. 

The lesson this week: do not respond to detractors, and the more people tell me I can’t say something, the more committed I am to saying it.

There is a certain irony in that I left the world of HIV to go into comedy, and yet I’m starting to talk about it in my stand-up.

This is no easy feat for a novice comedian. Folks it’s only been since January. I can’t seem to get away from this hacky pun, but I have been dying to do it for a long time.

It takes time to work up the guts to do very personal comedy; especially when tackling the topic of HIV. It’s so original that people are blown away by anyone who can go on a stage and talk about this kind of stuff.

It's like going to my friend’s dark show called Shock Therapy where subjects of early childhood sexual abuse and other fun subjects were tackled.

It’s a bit of a conflict for me. I don’t want to be known as the “AIDS” guy. But on the other hand, it makes up an important part of my life. I feel if I ignore it, then I’m not being true to myself.

Initially I was more worried about the other comics and what they would think of me.

A week ago I finally got up at a venue called Giggles on Groove and did my set about being positive.

There were a lot of comics that night. My plan was to have more time so I could ease into it a bit. Instead, due to the amount of people going up, my time was shortened to five minutes.

The approach I took worked well for this one night. I explained that I had worked on some new dark stuff, and I wasn’t sure if it fitted the bill, but they can be the judge.

So . . I stopped speaking, looked at the audience from one end to the other, and proclaim to my unsuspecting subjects: “The worst thing about being HIV positive is that I’m never quite sure when I’m having my mid-life crisis………..it could be now. Oh who am I kidding, I’m 47. The mid part of the life-crisis has long passed by.”

After I finished, I had one comic say, “Wow, you just woke up the room with that.” Another comic who I love (and is so dark) was standing clapping as I came down. “I stood up just so I could give you a standing ovation” he said.

The feeling was of respect, support and a lot of encouragement. Another comic was very complementary and wanted to hear more. “We need to talk about these subjects, and you can do it.”

Since I have a big gig coming up tonight (July 25) with Scott Thompson hosting, I wanted to practice a bit more and went out to a venue in Mississauga. I tried the orginal way of just hitting people over the heads with it. However open mics that are just comics (and in Mississauga) sometimes don’t work as well.

As I was doing it, I realized that I hit them too hard too soon. They didn’t feel like they had the permission to laugh. I got great notes (feedback by other comics) on how to broach this topic. This is definitely not beginner comic material. This takes a lot of reading of the room, and the ability to be able to bring it back.

Getting near to the end of my set I realized and said out loud, “Ok it’s easy enough to get into this HIV stuff, but how the hell do you get out of it.”

Some of my observations are that I need more time to get into a heavier topic and that I need to explicitly give permission and a bit of context to the stand-up.

My fellow positive friends don’t find my humour that crazy, but to civilians, they don’t know what to do with it. Isn’t HIV supposed to be all about stigma and discrimination? How is it that we are seeing someone right in front of us bring out the taboo and lay it out for all to see?

I do like the expression one comic uses, “personally uncomfortable” Should comedy be easy laughs or should we go into the personal and work our shit out in a comedic way. I go for Door #2.

As for tonight, I’ve yet to make up my mind on whether or not I’m going to go there.

This Saturday night though, I have a full ten minutes at a friend’s show, where she wants me to do my “ballsy” stuff. I’ll have an opportunity to workshop it some more. 

It’s here folks! It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was preparing for last year’s Pride. How things have changed in a space of year.

I’m Jewish. I’m a comic. Gone are the activist days, and I’m so fucking happy. If I hear one more person seriously try to tell my why I have to say all the letters in LGBT…….

I will barf. This happened about two weeks ago.

People, wake up! I don’t give a shit. I don’t even want to give a shit. I just want to have fun. I now shun people who think that social justice and action means spending hours analyzing the semantic nuances of acronyms.

I’ve discovered that I’m actually quite allergic to people who wrap themselves up in oppression to live out their lives. It’s a violent allergy in fact. I’ve been told to keep my Epi Pen with me at all times, especially during Pride.

Coming up this week I have a set at the Laugh at Slacks Music Bar & Lounge Open Mic on Wednesday (June 27^th).  I’m really looking forward to it, as it’s a stellar line up. So much so I’m a little intimidated by it. But I’m intimidated by everything, that’s the problem being really neurotic. I’m not really happy until I have something about which to worry.

The main even for me is July 4^th. I’ll be hosting the Laugh at Slacks show. Not only is it the American Independence Day, it’s also my Chihuahua’s fourth birthday. I’m hoping the weather is nice, but not too hot. Slacks front opens up completely to allow some of the street life in. On the first night of Laughs at Slacks, I could see pedestrians stopping to check out the action going on inside.

The next day I heard about people who had been walking by and recognizing my voice bellowing over the PA system. We really haven’t had a venue open up onto Church St. like this since the days of Bar 501’s Window Show.

I’m really hoping that this can be cultivated, providing it doesn’t get so hot that the A/C forces the windows to be closed up.

In any event, come out and support the only open mic gear for specifically women and the “gays” (fill in the letters accordingly – I’m calling July 4^th a BYOL even “bring your own letters, or in this case lesbians too). 

I love the women comics. The energy is very different. I find them to be more supportive, and I get to hang out with them in ways that the straight comics don’t always get to. It feels less competitive. During my first set at Slacks, I could see the comics attentively listening and engaged. It was really nice.

Now that my Jewish conversion is done, I’ll be announcing far and wide that I have the freshest kosher virgin cock in all of Pride 2012. I think it will make for a great ad on Craig’s List or Kijiji.

Being on stage is great. Instead of shelling out money for a Manhut profile (btw someone still has a profile using my photos. I’m very flattered that he says I’m only 37) I just announce on stage that I’m single & looking for cute Jewish guys. And if it’s the kind of date that only lasts under 60 mins, then I don’t care what the guy’s background is. Just bring the right body parts for the occasion and we’ll be great 

Happy Pride Everyone and remember to come out to Slacks June 27^th & July 7^th. Come to July 4^th if you have to choose! 

On the trail of diversifying my life I took up improv classes at Second City. 

This course though has turned out to be a lot of fun with the instructor moving the pace along quite quickly. I can see how each exercise is building on the other, slowly bringing us to scene work. 

The concept of improv is one that I love.  “Yes and…” is basically it, which is to accept whatever comes your way and be open to working with it. How much would our lives change if we just said, “Yes and….” It kind of reminds me of the movie with John Carrey, “Yes” where he says yes to everything and his life changes. 

I know a lot of guys and girls who are HIV-positive who are stuck in a complete state of inertia after managing our struggles, only to be left realizing that we are going to be sticking around for a long time, and are left searching for the “now what?” 

There are two other slogans I heard that I love as well at Second City. The first is, “Jump, and figure out the rest later.” The other is, “Don’t Think."

It is so easy when stuck to stay in the contemplation phase for years - if not forever.  I know for me to get to creating PositiveLite.com it took me a couple years. This was definitely a case of jumping in and figuring it out later. There comes a time when we have to look at what it is we want in our lives and shut out our over thinking (Don’t Think!) and just do. Even if the outcome is not what might have been imagined, it is still success. 

Everything is a learning experience and as long as we are learning we are no longer stuck. 

I write about this a lot because I see so many people, and at one point included myself, so far in a perceived hole that there seems no way to get out. This saddens me as I see others with so much talent and ability feeling as if life has officially passed them by. If only I could somehow psychically give them this energy and motivation. 

My diving into stand up is definitely a road where there is going to be failure, depending on how you define it. For example last night I had a comedy room that was in the wrong environment. The place was noisy and nobody was there to listen. Even the seasoned comics did silly time-wasting sets and then got up right after, grabbed their coats and left. One just dropped the mic at the end and literally walked out and left. 

I was put on first, and man it was brutal. I basically just gave up even trying and handed back the mic to the host. 

A few weeks ago I would have felt so horrible about it. But fuck it! Not every night is a winner. However I was stoked coming back home because I met some great comics. Having been in such (an) isolated community(ies), I find getting to know the comedy community as exciting as the performances.  

Today I find myself with five sets lined up, including this evening, for the next week.

It all starts with “Yes….and” “Don’t Think” and “Jump and figure it out later.”