In Canada, AIDS is over.

I know it sounds like a shocking statement, but in my thesis the death of AIDS is not about the actual virus.

In Canada AIDS is a subject that's not talked about much anymore, unless it's in the context of where someone is yet again being charged with aggravated sexual assault. 

World AIDS Day coverage, at least in Canada, has gotten less and less, signs that the western world is letting go of what was once considered a crisis.

Since we are at the beginning of a new year I have some predictions to make. And I hate to say it but on the federal level we are in the perfect economic and ideological landscape to see cuts made to most of the federal funding to AIDS Service Organzations (ASO’s.)

The federal government doesn’t like those organizations anyway. Cuts will fit in perfectly with their viision that they shouldn't need to fund a million groups.  Meanwhile, in Ontario I can see the AIDS Bureau disappearing, if we get a Hudak win in the next Ontario provincial election.

One reason I say AIDS is dead is that we have now had generations grow up who are fully familiar with the existence of the virus. It is pretty normal to them, not like those of us from an earlier generation that can't remember life without the virus. It is something that is just part of life for them now. 

On the advocacy front, loud demos will continue to achieve nothing with this present conservative government. My advice would be to work with both the NDP and Liberals, as one day we will not have Harper and their dimwits running the country.

Old school stigma-fighting techniques are not going to work anymore. I question the effectiveness of presenting us as news. I live with a virus, there is nothing much newsworthy about that. Suggesting otherwise is one more way to separate us into a state of "otherness". If we are in the news at all,  they look at us like, ‘Thank god that’s not me”  - and switch to the next channel. 

One interview I saw read in the headline that someone with HIV “Escapes Death Sentence” All I will remember from that piece is death, and that’s it. That’s really not that helpful.

The AIDS star system of people who are public is great for a small community where people seem like big fish in very little ponds.  I used to be part of this. I did lots of interviews. However I started in the 80s where the context was entirely different. In those days very few people were public, especially in the Prairies in Canada.

Another positive guy posted on Facebook "I am HIV positive and speak for those who can’t" and who uses his physique to garner most of his attention.  (You definitely don’t speak for me.) His statement then includes the words stigma and discrimination. The only words I remember are HIV and negative attributes. 

Shouldn’t we be focusing on building a voice for those people who feel trapped by stigma?

Much stigma, by the way, is in our minds. Yes, there are stupid things that go on, but overall I have to say I’ve not had that much happen. It’s not a popular thing to say, but people living with this virus need to take some responsibility in their lives to make it better and not play the victim role.

Our imagination comes up with all sorts of catastrophic scenarios for simply being ourselves.

If the AIDS world wants to create it’s own celebrities, go for it. But remember, being a celebrity for having AIDS, to the outside world looks really fucked up. 

The people out there doing the real work are not one-person self-promotion machines. There are people doing great work such as Maria Mejia, Shawn Decker (born with HIV, uses humour, and plays in a band). Closer to home Alphonso King Jr. (D.J. entertainer) and Michael Burtch.

Here is a case where Shawn, touring in a band and being so public, is meeting people all over the U.S. who normally wouldn’t meet someone HIV-positive. This is what activism is going to look like in the future.  The same with Alphonso; he is simply open about his life without making it his primary function.  I like Michael Burch because he reminds me of me back when I was that age. He’s cute and he’s challenging our ideas about HIV and sexuality.

So you see I don’t hate everyone out there.

This is what we need more of - people being themselves first and  positive second. Being open about one’s status when it's playing a secondary role is a lot harder than the other way around.  It means being out with your friends, family, work environment, etc. It means being authentic.

For myself I’ve extended my openness about HIV into comedy. And I feel like I’m dong a lot more for HIV in a non-traditional peer environment. In this case, it is the stand-up comedy/performing community. I can tell you it’s much more difficult to be vulnerable while doing stand-up than in a CBC interview. When I get a twitter message from a comic notorious for his hard-core rape and pedophile jokes saying “#MuchRespectBrotha” I feel as if I’ve done something important. Here's a young 20-something-year-old who actually respects me, but also now understands HIV is no longer a faceless thing that happens to "skuzzy people".

So . . . that’s my long way of saying that I see

1. ASO funding drying up.
2. End of the AIDS Bureau
3. Service delivery mostly moved over to government services such as public health and other agencies
4. Old school advocacy not working
5. “Exhibit A”- type speaks and media interviews becoming passé. 
6. Approaches to stigma becoming bottom up. Instead of high level campaigns and events, people need support to open up in their own lives and become their own heroes. But this means people who are positive have to get out of their self-imposed fear and take risks and responsibility for their lives and how people interact with them.

This won’t happen in just a year, but I see this as where the trend is going. Eventually I see HIV being so mainstreamed it’s just going to be one more communicable disease that public heath deals with and for which social service agencies handle patient's psychosocial and practical needs.

And that, my friends, is the death of AIDS as we know it.

So much has changed in a year. It would be this time last year I received an email from someone I knew at The Stephen Lewis Foundation requesting I participate in their Dare Campaign. It's a pledge campaign to raise money based on a dare, not dissimilar to The Breast Cancer Walk etc.  

My challenge was stand-up.  I'd wanted to do it but was too chicken shit to do so. I had comic friends and had played with improv. But the thought of going up and bombing was too frightening. Where do you start? How do you figure out material when you've never had an audience to gauge it by.  

As with everything, once you pick a date, it will happen.  I did, and it happened and I killed that night (thank god or I probably would have never done it again). 

Up until then I had been working on this national online magazine for people who are HIV positive in order to foster a sense of online community.  

It was hard going into comedy and walling off this (HIV) part of my life. It's such an ordinary thing in my life and in the lives of most people I know. We accept it (as there is no choice) and we move on integrating into our loves and a new sense of normalcy is achieved.  

However, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep my mouth shut about it.  Not that I want to talk about it all the time, but I have nothing to be ashamed about. If I feel I want to talk about it, I have every right to since pedophilia, rape jokes and general misogyny have found homes in comedy, after all. And if there is room in comedy for that, then there's plenty of room for me.  

There is a secret part of me that does like to freak people out. Not in that they should be freaked about my status, but rather that I'm so open about it, that I don't bat an eye. I've shared my life literally with thousands of people prior to there even being an internet.  I have about the same emotional attachment to the subject as a hooker giving her 10,000th hand job. So to see people be shocked by my dark humour is in some ways rewarding. 

Do you know how much stupidity we have to deal with? What it's like to wonder if someone will only think of me as this weird being with a virus and not just Brian Finch the moment I talk about it? If the shoe is on the other foot in terms of uncomfortableness, then so be it. Try it on and see what it feels like, cause I sure could use a break from time to time. 

None of this would have been possible if it were not for the process of my becoming Jewish. This was the first time I stepped out of my protected safe world where I could be a big mouth, write crazy articles and gain community profile. Once I stepped out of this world, I reverted back to the old quiet, scared and shy me.  

You see, I never felt anyone could really accept me as me unless I hid significant aspects of my life.  I wasn't comfortable about sexuality my entire life. I separated myself from my family, basically living a double life. This was the beginning of my compartmentalization. 

Family got to know certain things, friends another. This carried on for a long time. Then I got into the drugs, something else not to share with family. This continued for a very long time, in fact until the Jewish process began (and Facebook). 

Obviously there are a lot of things that were not appropriate to share at that time. But at least I could talk openly about being gay, and, with some, even about being positive. It's a hard topic to avoid when I was the founder of an online magazine and am asked what I did for work.  This, my friends, is why I hate that question as an aside. 

Once into the process of converting, I was starting out to hang out with straight guys. I've never done this before. Call me old fashioned, but kicked in the head once, twice shy. And I retained that through out my life. Straight guys were the enemy. They were the oppressors who would go out on purpose to seek people like myself and beat them to near death. Once just stopping into a 7/11 late at night (and on acid, go figure) in Winnipeg was a near death experience.  

There were years of harassment from the way I looked to the way I spoke. For years I mumbled because my voice had been mocked so much I just didn't have enough self-esteem to be actually heard. It is because of this I started working with a voice coach, not just for the quality of voice but the baggage that goes with it. 

Take all of this, and the idea of performing in front of straight crowds, mostly, and getting up and just being myself, serostatus included, has taken a lot of work.  Most people don't know I started public speaking at the age of 23 and have been on all the media, a documentary even, and a social marketing campaign. Also I worked as a corporate trainer where I had to be the company cheerleader. There are still masks to hide behind in these roles. It wasn't unitl comedy that I could take the mask off.  

So it is with this long preamble that I express so much gratitude for those who have been so supportive over the last year. January 18th will be a year at working on stand-up. I can't possibly name everyone. 

You are the people who treat me exactly the same once you know everything about me. I can't tell you enough that such a simple thing means a lot.  

You have encouraged me to do stand-up and storytelling. 

You've talked to me when I'm having challenges and helped me remember that yes. I am funny even if not every set is stellar. 

You've given me great notes to help with material. 

You are people who understand that this is a journey, not a goal to be a headliner at Yuk Yuks (that would be great – but not the ultimate goal). 

You are the straight dudes that joke with me in a way that makes me feel like one of the guys and girls. (Probably more of the girls. let's face it.)  

You've invited me to your shows.  

You've taught great workshops 

You are challenging me to dig deeper and work harder.  

You inspire me to walk through the fear. 

Some special shoutouts go to: 

Brian Ward - first guy to tell about the rooms. etc here. 

Erin Rodgers - quickly became friends and coproduced a show together.

Catherine McCormick - amazingly supportive and sticks to her guns.

Marilla Wex - what can I say! 

Zeb Pike - taught me str8 guys don't bite, well they do, but that's why they're straight :-) 

Sage Tyrtle - her wonderful storytelling workshop is amazing, and she's even abetter faciliator.

Todd Turtle – If were a girl, I’d marry him, sorry Sage.

Tracey Erin Smith - whose soft and articulate direction allows me to think, "I can do it." 

Joanna Downy - for getting me up at Spirits. 

Scott Thompson for being so supportvie with the new people. 

Shannon McDonough - super fab and supportive.

Maggie Cassella & The Flying Beaver - "When you have an hour come back, I'll book ya." 

Blair E. Streeter - cause he's amazing.

Sandra Shamas - very supportive and for coming out to our storytelling show. 

Eli Jakeman - (Rene squeaks in there too) only straight guy I have competitions on who is gayer, oh ya and it’s not gay if you are doing it for money.

Scott Dell - who sat down in order to stand up and give me an ovation, which is the golden seal of offensiveness approval. 

Joel West - got to know him better with our last "Tales of", great guy to work with. Love his stories.

Phil Luzi & Sandra Battaglini - for just being you.

Shelly Marshall - don't know what to say other than she's great & her lesbian daughter could beat me up. 

Brenda Lennie - for being so great, and getting me on her shows when I started. 

Jim Maxwell - for giving me motivation for all these changes. 

Anto Man-Ming Chan - very cool guy & super supportive

Rene Armondo Payes - for just being you.

Jennifer McAuliffe - as well being so encouraging. 

Paul Bellini - just read his book, you'll know why. 

Zabrina Chavennes - cause she is so funny, and supportive.

Jennifer Gee – amazing workshop partner and a lot of fun.

Marco Bernardi - for being so warm and actually giving me a hug in Caplansky's the first time we met (no I'm not stalking). 

And a special thank you to the folks who continue to keep PositiveLite.com going. It's been a privilege to create it. One thing I've learned this year is that I like to create, but I suck at managing. So here's to another great year for PositiveLite.com.  

There's a lot more so don’t feel left out. People can have the biggest impact with the smallest gestures. These are just a few names that stick out over the year. 

As we head into New Year's Eve I also think it's important to think back with some gratitude over the last year.  Usually I hate the year just past and think, "Thank Christ year X is over". It's been a great year of transition, new friends, new collegaues and most of all, new challenges and opportunities to grow. None of this happens in a vacuum, but within communnity.  

I just know that 2013 is going to be a great year. Now if I could just brush up on some Middle East comedy, I could hit some open mics during my month long stay in Israel. 

Storytelling is something I discovered once I got into stand up. I had no idea that such a thing existed or I would have done it a long time ago.

Most people don’t know what it means, but it’s quite simple -  people tell stories. However these are polished stories that require a great deal of thought and work in order to be good stories.

I had seen a poster for an organization saying they were having a storytelling night with positive speakers. But that was about experiential sharing, not well thought out crafted stories with a begining, middle and end. There are no characters, structure, comedy, drama, etc. that exist in conventional story telling.

This is why I love storytelling. I can safely say after I took Sage Trytle’s storytelling workshop a few weeks ago that storytelling is far more work than stand up in terms of crafting and learning.

The work pays off when a story is essentially a sad one, such as the Remembrance Day story I performed at Caplansky’s. It started off serious, then turned very funny as I talked about my family, but I brought it all together again to the point that when I finished there was silence and a number of teary eyes.

I’ve told the story about getting into public speaking, which meant I had to talk about being HIV-positive as it’s directly connected. I did this in a Jewish Deli.

The best part is there is a community of performers and I’ve been able to get to know, make friends and work with incredible people. I’ve made many acquaintances, and even more friends. It’s an amazing community. I’m completely out about being positive and nobody is treating me any differently

I had only started performing last January and I’m still pinching myself at times. Last month was the first event of a storytelling show called “Tales of….” I’m co-producing. When we first starting talking about it, we made a “dream list” of performers, and we have managed to get my top three in the first three shows.  We took the attitude  “If we don’t ask, it will never happen.”

Storytelling for me is very therapeutic. It requires a lot of thought to be done well. Every word has to count.  My hope is that once I get more experience that I can design a workshop for HIV-positive folks who would take on a more creative and performer-based kind of story telling and not, “I was diagnosed in 1987, and I was really shocked.”

In the summer of 1987, Phil, my first and only best friend I’d ever  had passed away. He was the first person I knew to find out he had AIDS.  He was the kind of friend that I could call up at anytime and with only a few words whatever might have been weighing me down was gone.

I’d maybe do a story about being diagnosed pulling back further in time working up to it.

I’d start, maybe,  with . . .

Once we dressed up for coronation together in such bad drag. (In the drag Monarchy, a drag queen is voted in as Empress, and usually a leather guy is Emperor, and they fundraise throughout the year.) One of our group went out with visible chest hair, bad drag and called himself Yolanda Douchebag, The B.C. Tel operator, as they were known for their terrible customer service. (I'd provide a detailed description of him and how they all went bowling in negligees).

The body of the story would then work up around the time of diagnosis and what was going on in my life. To conclude I’d bring back my friend Phil and the various aspects of the story together for the conclusion.

It can be very funny in the middle, but then become more serious as the story goes on.

It’s the details and laying of different textures to the story that makes it funny and powerful.

If any of this sounds interesting to you, then come out to my show at The Rustic Owl this Dec 10. We have the legendary Sandra Shamas, and other equally talented performers. I will be hosting.

If you can’t make that, our next show is January 14^th featuring the fabulous Scott Thompson. 

Last night, my first improv class at Second City began with the fellow beside me saying, “Hey my middle name is Brian, and that’s my father’s name. So if I call you dad, you’ll know why.” 

What a difference 20 years has made. I grew up and became a daddy of sorts. It’s these moments when I realize that two decades have gone by. 

For those who are not from Canada, let me just say there are two things that bring Canadians together and those are the shared hatred of Air Canada and Toronto. 

The mere fact of writing about Toronto brings out the incredible provincialism that comes out of petty regionalism that is so rampant in this country.  We all have our preferences of what we like and don’t like. But really, when I mention Toronto, they have to shit all over what I like.  If someone were to tell me that they are from Montreal, I wouldn’t start rattling off everything I don’t like about the city. 

Without a doubt someone will leave a comment extolling the virtues of where they live and how horrible it is in Toronto. That’s how engrained the mentality is. 

My first trip back to Winnipeg I felt like I had to almost apologize for living in Toronto.  In Vancouver when I said I lived in Winnipeg I’d hear, “I’m so sorry.” To be frank, anyone who thinks they are special because of where they live simply tells me they don’t get out much. 

The fact is that Toronto has provided me with so much. I’ve been able to do so many different things here that I’d not have  an opportunity to do elsewhere.  I have incredible housing, and a decent life. In those respects I’m very blessed. Indeed the city of Toronto has treated me quite well. 

In my teens, I’d watch SCTV all the time in Winnipeg. I loved the show and dreamed that one day I could actually go to Second City. In those days that was an impossible dream. Just getting out of Winnipeg was a dream in itself.  To me Winnipeg was the Prison on the Prairies, and I desperately wanted to escape.

Last night as I reflected momentarily on this anniversary, and particularly after a very long stretch of what I call “unwellness” and being depressed, I realized that I am living the dream.  OK, it might not have been the way I imagined it, but I am. 

To be frank, simply being alive is living the dream from the 80's when there was no hope of treatment, leaving me waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it didn’t drop, although it’s kicked me around a lot. 

I forget that simple act of taking a class at Second City is actually living a dream. Being able to continually find healthy challenges such as performing is a gift that Toronto has given me.  

The city has been full of guardian angels. There were so many opportunities for me to fall through the cracks. I never did. There have always been people here that have supported me beyond belief, some of them I had just met and didn’t know me at all. 

I’ve got a great storytelling workshop to go to this Sunday, and I’m starting a storytelling show with a friend of mine who runs a show called Awkward at The Comedy Bar.  CBC wants to interview us for our first show November 12th.  

Toronto, while being far (sometimes very far) from perfect has provided me with all the support, services, and the opportunity to live out forgotten dreams of so long ago. 

When I became Jewish, I picked the Hebrew name Baruch, which means blessed in Hebrew. I have great housing, my little Chihuahua, great communities to which I belong. Life can still be an adventure. 

Considering the alternative, I am definitely Baruch. 

Now I just have to get a hold of plastic surgeon, and I’ll be set. 

The recent Supreme Court Ruling about HIV disclosure was a surprising step backwards. It used to be that significant risk implied unprotected sex. There was far less science back then in the days of the Cuerrier decision (1998), when we were only two years into  revolutionary HAART treatment.

But people with HIV on treatment are far less infectious now, often resulting in undetectable viral loads, the cornerstone of treatment as prevention strategies.  How is it then that treatment supposedly prevents HIV infection, yet we’ve moved to non-disclosure criteria that would have been more appropriate 14 years ago when the Supreme Court last ruled, when we were without the benefit of science on this issue?

The biggest issue I have with how the media reports all this though is that never do we read an article by an author who is HIV-positive. The discussion has been lead by those who have very little knowledge or experience with the issues at hand, and certainly  without the lived experienced of people with HIV. So the discussion has been very one–sided, often making us out as the invisible threat out to get everyone, and painting people who are HIV-negative as perpetual victims.

The most offensive article I read was in Huffington Post Canada, where the author referred to people such as myself as “sufferers with AIDS.”  Really? First of all we are HIV-positive, we don’t have AIDS, unless the author was excluding people who are HIV-positive without a clinical diagnosis of AIDS. This article wasn’t that sophisticated or nuanced.

I’m  HIV positive, and the only thing I’m suffering from is (Toronto mayor) Rob Ford, and the ever-growing wait times for the Carlton streetcar.

Where to I start to pick this apart? The language used sounds like something from the 80s. It also destroys the credibility of the writer. who had a knee-jerk reaction, as many did to the ruling.

I get so annoyed that the media is treating us as if we weren’t there. We are not people who lurk in the dark. We are your brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends, co-workers. We are writers, nurses, doctors, sales people, designers, lawyers.

We fly, and the chances of crashing are there. Except the airlines are not required to give you the run down on the latest maintenance checks, the plane’s history, manufacture, how long in service, the mental health of the pilots, etc. That is perfectly fine. But if we change the name of the airline to AIR AIDS, suddenly everyone is terrified beyond belief.

This is all because of the stigma attached to HIV.  No other infection has been criminalized in history. What about people who could have been potentially exposed to SARS or had given it to someone else? Why not put them in jail? What about Hep-C? We don’t focus on this.  

At least 25% of people living with HIV in Ontario (which is in the thousands) don’t know they are positive. Ironically, it is this time early on before they know that they are often the most infectious. So no matter how you slice and dice it, even if they tell you otherwise, there is a possibility that you will be with someone who is HIV-positive.  This risk can not be made zero.  But disclosure laws are based on “out of sight, out of mind”, I guess. Not a great way to go about it.

If the HiV-negative partner uses condoms, then why does it matter if the person is HIV positive? It matters because because people are scared. Our emotions take over from the intellect.  Being scared is natural, but just be upfront about it and acknowledge all the research out there which points to how the fear may be unfounded.

It’s really a dishonest discussion to be purely emotional and then try to back it up with any notion of scientifically proven risk of transmission.  I fly in a plane, and I know that any fear of flying is scientifically unfounded as I am less safe in a car. Fine, be afraid of flying, but don’t base it on accident stats.

There is still risk. You can’t have a risk-free life.

Individual Responsibility

Many people living with HIV have healthy sex lives, sometimes with other HIV-positive partners, and sometimes with those who are not.  All of my long-term relationships have been with HIV-negative men, and NONE of them became HIV positive. We simply used condoms, like I had been doing all the time anyway.  Yet, we don’t hear these stories.

At the end of the day it takes two to tango, and if you are going to put your entire trust and HIV prevention strategy in someone else’s hands by simply depending on disclosure, you are in for a rude awakening.  At the end of the day, if someone is going to engage in sex, there is an implicit acceptance of certain risks out there. 

It this is an issue my suggestion is to not go out having casual sex. No one night stands for you! Instead I’d recommend getting to know your sexual partners better, where sexual health matters can be discussed.  At least the real-world risk has been minimized.

Remember,  we hear of very few cases where individuals go out and willfully expose someone to HIV. These exceptional cases cannot be extrapolated and applied to the rest of us. The chance of you getting in a relationship where someone is not going to disclose is very small.  

Take control of your life.

What would I like to see?

The ruling is the ruling, and everyone has to accept it.

Unfortunately it has left more questions than answers. It was a partial answer. There is nothing addressing issues specific to gay men, a community that has to live a lot closer to HIV than the heterosexual world. We have our own sexual culture that creates a lot of what I call "grey zone" environments.  Who in their right mind, for instance, is going to a sex club and expects everyone there to share their HIV, HPV, HEP C &B, Syphilis status? It’s just not going to happen.

My response to criminalization is this:  It takes two to tango; if we are going to put everyone in jail who doesn’t comply, then the partners who put themselves at risk of HIV transmission, and especially those who became HIV positive, should be charged with negligent behaviour as any resultant infections will now be costing out health care system hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Hard working taxpayers are will be paying for your mistakes.

In these circumstances – and I suggest them facetiously - I wonder how those caught would think of landing in jail, being labeled a sex offender, and having their photos splashed across the country?

****

In the early 80s I didn’t blame the guy who knew his status and didn’t tell me. We didn’t use condoms. I knew I was also taking risks and I had the power to insist on condoms.  But I didn’t have the self-esteem, and sex was a form of personal validation. I knew the risks, I played the game and I lost.

I have a friend who was infected by her ex-husband many, many years ago. She also doesn’t believe in throwing him in jail. It solves nothing.

****

It’s too bad the media has such a hard time dealing with complex issues. Instead of calling for people’s heads, shouldn’t we be using the mechanisms already in place?  Criminal law should be saved as a mechanism of last resort.

We have a public health system that is there for this very reason. They know who is positive in the province and have their names. (Even if one gets tested anonymously, as soon as you go to a doctor for follow-up, it will get reported.) Public health has coercive powers and their mandate is prevention. Individuals can receive disclosure orders, court order fines and jail time. There could be case management systems in place providing the supports necessary (especially when dealing with gender-based violence, domestic violence, mental health issues, immigration and cultural influences that may impact disclosure)

Why the sledgehammer of criminal law is the first line of action is beyond me.

What is needed is a graduated response working up to criminal law only when necessary. Obviously someone intentionally infecting someone calls for a vastly different response than a scenario where you’re having sex that is safer than flying in a plane.

HIV People need protection from HIV negative people

Wow, this is a mind-blowing concept for people who do not live with HIV. Yes we need protection from YOU.

My first assumption about people is that they will be either hostile, judgmental, or see me as HIV and not a person. This is my starting point in every new interpersonal relationship I enter.  Such is stigma that some people will still lose their jobs, housing and family if others find out. It is negative people who create the environment in which we have to carefully navigate.

I’ve come across a number of crazy people out there. I still worry about someone who has an axe to grind, since I’m so public. It would take one baseless complaint to utterly destroy my life. For others all it takes is one bitter break-up to send someone to the police out of spite. This has happened on a number of occasions.

Women in abusive relationships faced with violence know they don’t always have control over their sexual options.  Even when women are not in sexual relationships, there is significant risk of violence upon disclosing.

The person charged with non disclosure is treated as if they were guilty, labeled by the police and media as a sex offender, and charges laid that are so serious that penalties are potentially right up there with those for murder.  So you are damn right when the consequences are such that I want protection from malicious prosecution!

It’s at the point that if I were to be involved with someone negative that I’d have a video recording of disclosure and consent, and perhaps with another document signed and witnessed by a notary as added protection.

The legal/police culture is homophobic, and HIV-phobic.  I certainly couldn’t depend on them to preserve my innocence until proven guilty.

It can all boil down to “(s)he said against (s)he said”. And guess who will be on the receiving end of bias and prejudice? It’s not going to be the HIV negative complainant.

I say it’s time to start caring so we can create a healthy environment to deal with the issues at hand. 

If I could say “Thank Christ the Jewish high holy days are half way done!”  I would. It’s a time of year that is so great, with lots of time to be with family or friends. But it’s a lot of work. A lot of people say, “I wish I were Jewish so I could have all these holidays.” They don’t know that it is actually a lot of work. There isn't a lot of lounging around watching TV. 

I find that many people do not know a lot about Judaism. In fact a lot of this stuff I didn’t know until I got into it. Take the Rosh Hashana for example. Well, let’s even back up from there. The Hebrew calendar is lunar, and the days are based on the moon as well. This means that the day begins at sundown and ends at sundown the next day. This is why Shabbat is always Friday night until Saturday night.

In the days of antiquity not everyone knew exactly when was the right time for many of these holidays in the diaspora. To solve this problem they added a second day, which is why there are two days of Rosh Hashana where in Israel, there is only one.  The same holds true for Passover.

Yom Kippur begins in the evening with Kol Nidre, a two to three-hour service. The following morning there is another three-hour service, and in the evening there is one more that is a few hours long. There is fasting over this course of time, however for health reasons one is not obliged. BTW, I've decided my new drag name is Nikole Nidré. It would be an insider joke, but I love it.

Let’s not forget the many meals, lunches and the breakfast meal over the course of this time. Once we get to the end of Yom Kippur, you might think great we are done. However we are not. There is still the festival of the booths, Sukkot, which lasts eight days (I could be off a day) and Simcha Torah. All and all it is about a three-week process and it is very tiring.

Each year I get a cold. I tried my best  not to this year, however I still got one. Perhaps it’s the time of the year. Last night I had dinner at a friend’s place to break the fast and one of the guests was sick. I swear I want to live in a bubble from mid-September until about April.

Another friend often says to me, “Oh you’ve had a rough year..” To which I always say, “It’s like this every year.”

It appears that it is simply impossible for me to do all the holidays in this three-week period. I’ve not done a lot of (tsandup) performing as a result. It’s frustrating. For the first time, and maybe it’s because I’m working with younger and much healthier people, I’m starting to feel like I truly am disabled.

I can’t seem to make it through a three-week stretch of holidays, or two-weeks of constant stand up. At this point, I’m really not sure how to manage it all. I have all these desires to do different or of more of what I’m doing, an yet my body just won’t let me.   

The goal of the next few months is to figure out a way to find some balance in all the activities I’m doing, and keep some sense of health going.  I just cannot go up and do stand up when I feel like shit. However there are a couple of good stories out of going places when not feeling well. Perhaps the next post I’ll share how I deal with homophobes on stage when I feel shitty.